*Warning: The more serious you take these…the more likely I am to go Michael Vick on your dog
Alpha:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Krakow Plumbers Crack
Finally – time for the Zagreb, Krakow game. Since I have nothing better to do, I figure I’d offer a little bit on analysis for this one. Krakow boasts a better passing and rushing offense than Zagreb, as well as a superior run defense. Zagreb, does salvage complete futility by being the higher ranked passing defense. Oh yea, and for the record, Krakow’s special teams are superior too.
Anyone want to guess who I’m picking?
2. Zagreb Titans
Uhh…just read above.
3. Emmaus Fighting Green Hornets
The Committee has read that Emmaus is looking to start up a farm team. No, by the way, this is not some cheap plug for them. I’m wondering why this is starting so late. The majority of the Green Hornet roster has played around seven seasons, which means the farm team won’t be close to ready when the roster is starting to decline. This could have been done much more efficiently.
4. Hungarian Revolution
I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion that this team still sucks. My suspicions are never wrong. It just so happens this team is the best meadow muffin in a pasture full of them. The loss to Constantinople, the biggest underachiever of the season, just reinforces my original line of thinking in regards to this team. They won’t be causing any upsets come playoff time.
5. Vienna Sausages
I want to give props to this team for having a better season than I expected; but I can’t. It’s against my nature to compliment too many teams. I don’t want to waste the good ones on the pigeons when there are a couple of Hawks in this league.
Sorry.
6. Atlantis Whitecaps
Seriously, what are your guy’s plans for next season? You’re a shitty AAA team that’s entire roster is in decline. I know we talk about teams needed to gut ad nauseum here, but you guys, in particular, have nothing to live for. If you guys still keep this charade going next year I promise I’m going to come back to this league just to destroy you.
7. Constantinople Charioteers
Constantinople was so angry with what I’ve been writing about them, that they decided to show up for a game…finally. Well, too bad nobody is paying attention to you guys anymore. This is an lolplayoff team and that the final word on them. Tough shit, bitches.
8. The Gods
Obviously to move this team one spot in the rankings, I’m projecting three straight losses to end the season. Let’s see if Zagreb, Atlantis, and Emmaus can prove me right and win some brownie points with The Committee going into the playoffs.
I say we move these teams to AA next season so they can be competitive
9. Vatican City Paranoid Agnostic
When I was drinking last night I set a reminder on my phone to give you guys this message I thought of all by myself:
Jesus hates you. I hate you. What more is there to live for? Gut.
10. River City Renegades
Losing by 67 to the Agnostic? That just wraps up your nomination to my end of the season anti-awards show. That’s where I pick out a couple of teams that embarrassed themselves the most from each conference and send them out in style. Or, whatever the exact opposite of style is.
11. Vatican City Bishops
I just emailed Webster’s asking them to change the definition of “keeper” to this:
Girl who starts giving you a blowjob in the back of a taxi, and when the driver asks her to stop, she yells out “It’s my birthday, though!” and continues what she was doing.
Cross your fingers it’s accepted!
12. Estonian Enforcers
If you’ve noticed, I took out the other section break. Why, you ask? Because all of the non-playoff teams (and even some of the playoff teams) are all high grade pieces of junk that deserve to be grouped together.
(Please! No mating!)
13. Texas Red Dragons
Last week we inducted them the worst AAA team that actually tries.
How do you follow that up?
14. Warsaw Warriors
Die.
--------
Zeta:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Four Horsemen
Story time!
I don’t remember last night much, but I do specifically remember driving home. I also remember my friends telling me I couldn’t do it. So, this morning I decided to rub it in a little. Here’s a transcript from the text I got back:
“You’re a dumbass. I called you a cab, and you sat in the backseat and pretended to drive with a paper plate.”
Whatever. At least I got a blowjob from the birthday girl! – See #11 above if you skipped it
2. Kaunas Archangels
Kaunas has officially been named the best AAA team from any region (sorry Horsemen). It’s official because the Archangels slayed every single team they played in the tournament. There isn’t a team looking forward to the playoffs more than this team.
3. Warsaw Gods of War
Please beat the Horsemen. Seriously, my Kaunas teammates are about to eat me if I keep putting us #2. Fortunately, they haven’t threatened to remove from the team because my kicker is pretty damn important, but we can’t let it get that far regardless!
4. Philadelphia Demonik
Other (we discussed one in an earlier edition) favorite Grandma’s Boy lines:
--“Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.”
--“I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.”
--“Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...
Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.”
--“This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.”
--“Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?”
Ahhh. Great movie.
5. Knossos Minotaurs
Do you guys remember the games against Kaunas last year? Now take a look at the score of this year’s game. Any explanation for falling off a cliff here? Wait, can people who have fallen off a cliff talk? This one tall as cliff…so I suspect not…
To have this type of season on the cusp of being in the Pro’s has to sting.
6. Wroclaw Wrecking Crew
You guys should make Stu come onto this board more. I miss him.
Moving on.
7. Valhalla Einherjar
I think Valhalla is pretty safe as a playoff team. A projected matchup in the first round with Kaunas screams of over a 50 point loss, though. If I were you I’d get on my recruiting horse now so that doesn’t have to be explained.
8. Border Reivers
I just reviewed a resume I sent off last week. Found out I spelled ‘absolute’ as ‘absolut’ every time. Fuck! I do that every time. I guess we’ll find out the type of people I could potentially be working with if they give me a call. I’d be a fun interview at least.
The Turks and a bunch of trash
9. Istanbul Turks:
The Turks are the only team that I currently have out of the playoffs that still have a shot to get there. They absolutely have to beat the Reivers this week, or their playoff hopes are pretty much toast. Regardless, this has been a successful season for this organization.
10. Croatian Flesh Eaters
Just took a triple shot of Everclear in the middle of the day. Was trying to work up the courage to write something worthwhile here about these guys.
It didn’t help.
11. Gamehendge Knights
I’m going to be honest. I’ve never seen a quarterback with a 93 QB rating that has a completion percentage sub .500. It makes the mystery of what makes up the quarterback rating even more intriguing. Also intriguing, why the fuck can’t this teams QB complete a pass? When he is able to, good things happen (sort of).
12. Montreal Ice
You ever had a relationship where you’ve had sex with the girl more times than you’ve hugged here? So that when you hug it’s all awkward and shit? That’s how I think these guys feel when they win games.
Season 15 is so close! Time to get excited!
13. Lefkada Seahawks
Ok, so you explained what the plan is. With all due respect, I don’t like it. It’s still easier to drop down and win games than struggle like this just to stay in AAA. It’s going to be hard to win next year with Level 45 players, too.
14. Glorious Nation Kazakhstan:
Die (x2)
Alpha:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Krakow Plumbers Crack
Finally – time for the Zagreb, Krakow game. Since I have nothing better to do, I figure I’d offer a little bit on analysis for this one. Krakow boasts a better passing and rushing offense than Zagreb, as well as a superior run defense. Zagreb, does salvage complete futility by being the higher ranked passing defense. Oh yea, and for the record, Krakow’s special teams are superior too.
Anyone want to guess who I’m picking?
2. Zagreb Titans
Uhh…just read above.
3. Emmaus Fighting Green Hornets
The Committee has read that Emmaus is looking to start up a farm team. No, by the way, this is not some cheap plug for them. I’m wondering why this is starting so late. The majority of the Green Hornet roster has played around seven seasons, which means the farm team won’t be close to ready when the roster is starting to decline. This could have been done much more efficiently.
4. Hungarian Revolution
I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion that this team still sucks. My suspicions are never wrong. It just so happens this team is the best meadow muffin in a pasture full of them. The loss to Constantinople, the biggest underachiever of the season, just reinforces my original line of thinking in regards to this team. They won’t be causing any upsets come playoff time.
5. Vienna Sausages
I want to give props to this team for having a better season than I expected; but I can’t. It’s against my nature to compliment too many teams. I don’t want to waste the good ones on the pigeons when there are a couple of Hawks in this league.
Sorry.
6. Atlantis Whitecaps
Seriously, what are your guy’s plans for next season? You’re a shitty AAA team that’s entire roster is in decline. I know we talk about teams needed to gut ad nauseum here, but you guys, in particular, have nothing to live for. If you guys still keep this charade going next year I promise I’m going to come back to this league just to destroy you.
7. Constantinople Charioteers
Constantinople was so angry with what I’ve been writing about them, that they decided to show up for a game…finally. Well, too bad nobody is paying attention to you guys anymore. This is an lolplayoff team and that the final word on them. Tough shit, bitches.
8. The Gods
Obviously to move this team one spot in the rankings, I’m projecting three straight losses to end the season. Let’s see if Zagreb, Atlantis, and Emmaus can prove me right and win some brownie points with The Committee going into the playoffs.
I say we move these teams to AA next season so they can be competitive
9. Vatican City Paranoid Agnostic
When I was drinking last night I set a reminder on my phone to give you guys this message I thought of all by myself:
Jesus hates you. I hate you. What more is there to live for? Gut.
10. River City Renegades
Losing by 67 to the Agnostic? That just wraps up your nomination to my end of the season anti-awards show. That’s where I pick out a couple of teams that embarrassed themselves the most from each conference and send them out in style. Or, whatever the exact opposite of style is.
11. Vatican City Bishops
I just emailed Webster’s asking them to change the definition of “keeper” to this:
Girl who starts giving you a blowjob in the back of a taxi, and when the driver asks her to stop, she yells out “It’s my birthday, though!” and continues what she was doing.
Cross your fingers it’s accepted!
12. Estonian Enforcers
If you’ve noticed, I took out the other section break. Why, you ask? Because all of the non-playoff teams (and even some of the playoff teams) are all high grade pieces of junk that deserve to be grouped together.
(Please! No mating!)
13. Texas Red Dragons
Last week we inducted them the worst AAA team that actually tries.
How do you follow that up?
14. Warsaw Warriors
Die.
--------
Zeta:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Four Horsemen
Story time!
I don’t remember last night much, but I do specifically remember driving home. I also remember my friends telling me I couldn’t do it. So, this morning I decided to rub it in a little. Here’s a transcript from the text I got back:
“You’re a dumbass. I called you a cab, and you sat in the backseat and pretended to drive with a paper plate.”
Whatever. At least I got a blowjob from the birthday girl! – See #11 above if you skipped it
2. Kaunas Archangels
Kaunas has officially been named the best AAA team from any region (sorry Horsemen). It’s official because the Archangels slayed every single team they played in the tournament. There isn’t a team looking forward to the playoffs more than this team.
3. Warsaw Gods of War
Please beat the Horsemen. Seriously, my Kaunas teammates are about to eat me if I keep putting us #2. Fortunately, they haven’t threatened to remove from the team because my kicker is pretty damn important, but we can’t let it get that far regardless!
4. Philadelphia Demonik
Other (we discussed one in an earlier edition) favorite Grandma’s Boy lines:
--“Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.”
--“I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.”
--“Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...
Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.”
--“This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.”
--“Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?”
Ahhh. Great movie.
5. Knossos Minotaurs
Do you guys remember the games against Kaunas last year? Now take a look at the score of this year’s game. Any explanation for falling off a cliff here? Wait, can people who have fallen off a cliff talk? This one tall as cliff…so I suspect not…
To have this type of season on the cusp of being in the Pro’s has to sting.
6. Wroclaw Wrecking Crew
You guys should make Stu come onto this board more. I miss him.
Moving on.
7. Valhalla Einherjar
I think Valhalla is pretty safe as a playoff team. A projected matchup in the first round with Kaunas screams of over a 50 point loss, though. If I were you I’d get on my recruiting horse now so that doesn’t have to be explained.
8. Border Reivers
I just reviewed a resume I sent off last week. Found out I spelled ‘absolute’ as ‘absolut’ every time. Fuck! I do that every time. I guess we’ll find out the type of people I could potentially be working with if they give me a call. I’d be a fun interview at least.
The Turks and a bunch of trash
9. Istanbul Turks:
The Turks are the only team that I currently have out of the playoffs that still have a shot to get there. They absolutely have to beat the Reivers this week, or their playoff hopes are pretty much toast. Regardless, this has been a successful season for this organization.
10. Croatian Flesh Eaters
Just took a triple shot of Everclear in the middle of the day. Was trying to work up the courage to write something worthwhile here about these guys.
It didn’t help.
11. Gamehendge Knights
I’m going to be honest. I’ve never seen a quarterback with a 93 QB rating that has a completion percentage sub .500. It makes the mystery of what makes up the quarterback rating even more intriguing. Also intriguing, why the fuck can’t this teams QB complete a pass? When he is able to, good things happen (sort of).
12. Montreal Ice
You ever had a relationship where you’ve had sex with the girl more times than you’ve hugged here? So that when you hug it’s all awkward and shit? That’s how I think these guys feel when they win games.
Season 15 is so close! Time to get excited!
13. Lefkada Seahawks
Ok, so you explained what the plan is. With all due respect, I don’t like it. It’s still easier to drop down and win games than struggle like this just to stay in AAA. It’s going to be hard to win next year with Level 45 players, too.
14. Glorious Nation Kazakhstan:
Die (x2)
