Okay people, if you haven’t noticed yet, these rankings have taken a turn for the absurd recently. I must admit, if you haven’t noticed already, there is really nothing else to say about these teams. The rankings are rarely changing, and for the most part, playoff spots have been decided. Therefore, I warn you, if you don’t like a bunch of random sex humor with a bit of dotball mixed in, you shouldn’t bother reading further.
*Warning: The more serious you take these…the more likely I am to impregnate your daughter, wife, or girlfriend (or all three, if you have all three)
Alpha:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Krakow Plumbers Crack
The Committee is now officially in preparation mode for the playoffs (and NCAA Tournament). These rankings are going to get lamer and lamer until I’m able to cut out the shitty teams from taking up my time and magical words. That’s fair warning to all of you. Also, as fair warning, I’m stacking up on beer, liquor, weed, and ambiens. Soo, if you come up missing on some, I didn’t do it.
2. Zagreb Titans
Only one more week to wait for the Krakow – Zagreb game! I’ll tell you what I’ll be doing that day in preparation for the game; nothing. If I wanted to see something be massacred I’d just watch the New Jersey Nets play on NBATV. On another note, this team does have the best rushing defense in the entire league, so perhaps they can put up a fight…..
3. Emmaus Fighting Green Hornets
Let me tell you why I’m mad the Olympics are over. The Committee is very proud of his country. I’m so proud that I use the Olympics as an excuse to get bombed for nationalism. Now what the fuck am I going to do? I can’t even harass the neighborhood Canadians anymore for being pussies since they beat the shit out of the American hockey team. FML.
4. Hungarian Revolution
Story time!
I know everyone loves my stories, so here’s another. On Monday I was out at a bar, chilling, you know, just being The Committee. Then I had to piss, so I went to the bathroom, went to the stall, and did my thing. When I turned around I was like nose to nose with some bitch. She got real close and whispered in my ear “tell me what your favorite fantasy is.” Like a kid with a 10-pack of fun-dip, I pulled down my pants and told her to kneel down. Then I yelled ‘UNLEASH THE KRAKEN’ and tea-bagged her in the face, pulled up my pants, and left the bathroom.
5. Vienna Sausages
For the record, after watching the bachelor, I’ve decided to never travel to Vienna. Did anyone else see that transvestite who won? I couldn’t live among that junk.
For the record, I didn’t actually watch the Bachelor. My research assistant, Culo, told me about it and I used his judgment to write this.
6. Atlantis Whitecaps\
You know all season I’ve been looking for a video to symbolize this team. I’ve now found it! Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNPxIibhcKY
7. The Gods
We have to do this, guys. We gotta talk about dinosaurs for a minute.
I got a text over the weekend from one of my good friends, who just happens to have boobs. The text read “I slept with a dude last night because he drew a dinosaur on me”
Dinosaurs strike again.
8. Constantinople Charioteers
Well, this team still blows. Who thinks I should make a listing of the Top 10 fuck ups of the season? Who thinks that this team would own about 7 of those 10 things? What a shitty fucking season.
Gut.
I’m officially starting a petition to bring contraction to GLB
9. Vatican City Paranoid Agnostic
I think I forgot to move this team up last week. Can you blame me for not paying attention to them? Anyways, to make up for it, they go all the way up to here. Unfortunately, this is like being the top cow at a slaughterhouse.
10. River City Renegades
My facebook horoscrope (that shit is real) said that today I will experience a lot of ‘confusion.’ I thought my horoscope was having an off day until it came time to do this teams little blurb. Seriously, I got nothing, again. Facebook horoscope = Almost as smart as me.
11. Vatican City Bishops
Another Story!
I used to have a roommate, a chick roommate. She was a real whore. She’d always bring home dudes and they’d be making all this noise and shit while I was trying to practice my genius next door. Anyways, I got this brilliant idea (as usual) to get her to stop, and I recommend it to everyone who is suffering from this same epidemic. Every time she would bring someone home I would slip a $20 dollar bill onto her dresser with a note that said “Thanks, I’ll call again soon!”
She quickly changed her ways, and I got to live in peace.
Blah, Blah, Blah (It’s like that shitty Kesha song about how much of a whore she is)
12. Estonian Enforcers
Speaking of Estonian, failure is going your whole sophomore year of college without attending a full day of classes..until the last day of classes. Yea, that was me back then. But the good news for Estonian, and everyone else who is following the same trajectory, look how good I’m doing for myself!
13. Texas Red Dragons
I had my research assistant Culo look up the worst human teams (that actually have a roster) in all AAA leagues. To nobody’s surprise, the Red Dragons were the winner.
Take the knife on your wrists, and use that energy to GUT.
14. Warsaw Warriors
More knowledge from The Committee:
The best place to pick up horny girls, despite what Hollywood tells you, is not at Weddings, Bars, College, Nightclubs, or whatever. The best place is at school functions, or PTA meetings, or playgrounds. The divorce rate is 40 percent, people. Which means you have a 40% chance of getting some desperate bitch hanging out with her kid cause she’s lonely. It’s time to use this information to your advantage.
Added note: Bringing a kid with you for decoration always helps.
Seriously, what would you all do without me?
--------
Zeta:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Four Horsemen
So..the Horsemen beat Kaunas. However, they were too much of little bitches to put anything on the line, like I asked them too. Not confident in your own team? Blah. Almost makes me not want to rank you hear and reward your dumb luck. All that’s left for them in the regular season is the Week 16 matchup against Warsaw.
2. Kaunas Archangels
Holy cockballs.
Seriously, this is this is the cut off between sober Committee and drunk Committee. I went to play softball and think over what the fuck to say for our team this week, and ended up losing the game, and then going back to the bar that sponsors us and drinking my sorrows away. The rest of these rankings might get even weirder.
3. Warsaw Gods of War
I’m going to tell you all the truth, I think you can beat the Four Horsemen, but don’t let them know because they’ll just think I’m bias. Plus, if you do win, then I have a good reason to put Kaunas back at number one, which would be awesome. I can’t have my teammates mad at me for dumping them down a spot for too long, ya know? Eventually I need a reason to move them back up again.
4. Philadelphia Demonik
Well, you’re not going to get an lolgif.trophy this year. With games against Knossos and Kaunas left to go, you may not even be as relevant as fourth place when the playoffs roll around. However, you are named after an awesome reference in an awesome movie so I will try my best to keep you guys relevant despite the odds. You could help me out by beating Knossos next week, though.
5. Knossos Minotaurs
Anyone want the secret to know that they’re having too much fun?
When the neighbors change their wifi network to “stop throwing parties; I can hear you having sex.”
For the record, don’t change your network, in response, to “fuck you old cumstain neighbors.” That makes it awkward when you ask their daughter to watch your house when you go to Spain.
6. Wroclaw Wrecking Crew
Well I kept you guys at number six for another week. I hope that you actually make good on your promise and pay me for the respect I’m showing you this week.
If not, you go to number eight, no questions asked.
7. Border Reivers
OMG more stories!
So I got another text, from the same friend. He was talking about what girls he was with tonight (it is hump night, lame asses) and shit. Tonight’s classic quote was “I don’t care how fat she is, and how many of my friends she’s been with, you can’t turn down a BJ in this economy.” That’s before I got there and he started introducing his oreo milkshake to everyone and telling them how lucky he was going to be tonight.
And I thought I was struggling.
8. Valhalla Einherjar
LOLvalhalla. Jusssttt making the playoffs is embarrassing. Seriously, an eight in GLB is like the girls with herpes. Even though she’s a shitty fuck, you still have to do her to get ready for the real ones.
The teams literally slurp on weiner
9. Istanbul Turks:
Ok, I’m fucked up.
Someone just told me that I was at the bar, chilling in a barstool (obviously trying to watch Kansas win) when one of my teammates playing pool started fucking with me and throwing the pool balls as hard as he can at me, hitting me on several occasions. I don’t remember any of this, but if I have bruises tomorrow, there’s going to be one pissed Committee (of one).
10. Gamehendge Knights
Ugh. What the fuck is there to say about this team? Seriously, the only question left for these guys is whether they lose two or three more games. I wouldn’t even worry about it though, regardless of the final win-loss record, a proper gutting should be in order here. I heat Minors Level 14 is where it’s at.
11. Croatian Flesh Eaters
Does anyone remember Week 1 when I told them that CAPS LOCKING their name was fucking retarded?
Damn, I was right.
As usual. This team blows turkey’s.
12. Montreal Ice
Seriously, who the fuck loses to Croatian by 75 points? Broncos 1,000 Yard Back is now officially out as a Committee Favorite. Now that that’s the case there is absolutely nothing going for this team, and nothing to talk to about.
Hopefully they make the right decision in the offseason and bomb this operation to hell.
Really what the hell else is there to say here?
13. Lefkada Seahawks
I’m really wondering what the plan is here. Ok, so you got the young defense, I get it. But seriously, why keep the old ass offense around? When your defense becomes good, they’re going to be toast. Why not gut the offense, along with the defense, take the demotion, and win games?
Am I in the fucking dark, here?
14. Glorious Nation Kazakhstan:
Glorious Nation……blah!
Seriously, what else do you guys fail at? Sex? Relationships? Sports? Life in General? Dinosaur hunting? What’s the deal here? This team is the definition of junk.
----
It's a fuckin' miracle I was able to get these out on time. Someone owes me a ZJ.
*Warning: The more serious you take these…the more likely I am to impregnate your daughter, wife, or girlfriend (or all three, if you have all three)
Alpha:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Krakow Plumbers Crack
The Committee is now officially in preparation mode for the playoffs (and NCAA Tournament). These rankings are going to get lamer and lamer until I’m able to cut out the shitty teams from taking up my time and magical words. That’s fair warning to all of you. Also, as fair warning, I’m stacking up on beer, liquor, weed, and ambiens. Soo, if you come up missing on some, I didn’t do it.
2. Zagreb Titans
Only one more week to wait for the Krakow – Zagreb game! I’ll tell you what I’ll be doing that day in preparation for the game; nothing. If I wanted to see something be massacred I’d just watch the New Jersey Nets play on NBATV. On another note, this team does have the best rushing defense in the entire league, so perhaps they can put up a fight…..
3. Emmaus Fighting Green Hornets
Let me tell you why I’m mad the Olympics are over. The Committee is very proud of his country. I’m so proud that I use the Olympics as an excuse to get bombed for nationalism. Now what the fuck am I going to do? I can’t even harass the neighborhood Canadians anymore for being pussies since they beat the shit out of the American hockey team. FML.
4. Hungarian Revolution
Story time!
I know everyone loves my stories, so here’s another. On Monday I was out at a bar, chilling, you know, just being The Committee. Then I had to piss, so I went to the bathroom, went to the stall, and did my thing. When I turned around I was like nose to nose with some bitch. She got real close and whispered in my ear “tell me what your favorite fantasy is.” Like a kid with a 10-pack of fun-dip, I pulled down my pants and told her to kneel down. Then I yelled ‘UNLEASH THE KRAKEN’ and tea-bagged her in the face, pulled up my pants, and left the bathroom.
5. Vienna Sausages
For the record, after watching the bachelor, I’ve decided to never travel to Vienna. Did anyone else see that transvestite who won? I couldn’t live among that junk.
For the record, I didn’t actually watch the Bachelor. My research assistant, Culo, told me about it and I used his judgment to write this.
6. Atlantis Whitecaps\
You know all season I’ve been looking for a video to symbolize this team. I’ve now found it! Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNPxIibhcKY
7. The Gods
We have to do this, guys. We gotta talk about dinosaurs for a minute.
I got a text over the weekend from one of my good friends, who just happens to have boobs. The text read “I slept with a dude last night because he drew a dinosaur on me”
Dinosaurs strike again.
8. Constantinople Charioteers
Well, this team still blows. Who thinks I should make a listing of the Top 10 fuck ups of the season? Who thinks that this team would own about 7 of those 10 things? What a shitty fucking season.
Gut.
I’m officially starting a petition to bring contraction to GLB
9. Vatican City Paranoid Agnostic
I think I forgot to move this team up last week. Can you blame me for not paying attention to them? Anyways, to make up for it, they go all the way up to here. Unfortunately, this is like being the top cow at a slaughterhouse.
10. River City Renegades
My facebook horoscrope (that shit is real) said that today I will experience a lot of ‘confusion.’ I thought my horoscope was having an off day until it came time to do this teams little blurb. Seriously, I got nothing, again. Facebook horoscope = Almost as smart as me.
11. Vatican City Bishops
Another Story!
I used to have a roommate, a chick roommate. She was a real whore. She’d always bring home dudes and they’d be making all this noise and shit while I was trying to practice my genius next door. Anyways, I got this brilliant idea (as usual) to get her to stop, and I recommend it to everyone who is suffering from this same epidemic. Every time she would bring someone home I would slip a $20 dollar bill onto her dresser with a note that said “Thanks, I’ll call again soon!”
She quickly changed her ways, and I got to live in peace.
Blah, Blah, Blah (It’s like that shitty Kesha song about how much of a whore she is)
12. Estonian Enforcers
Speaking of Estonian, failure is going your whole sophomore year of college without attending a full day of classes..until the last day of classes. Yea, that was me back then. But the good news for Estonian, and everyone else who is following the same trajectory, look how good I’m doing for myself!
13. Texas Red Dragons
I had my research assistant Culo look up the worst human teams (that actually have a roster) in all AAA leagues. To nobody’s surprise, the Red Dragons were the winner.
Take the knife on your wrists, and use that energy to GUT.
14. Warsaw Warriors
More knowledge from The Committee:
The best place to pick up horny girls, despite what Hollywood tells you, is not at Weddings, Bars, College, Nightclubs, or whatever. The best place is at school functions, or PTA meetings, or playgrounds. The divorce rate is 40 percent, people. Which means you have a 40% chance of getting some desperate bitch hanging out with her kid cause she’s lonely. It’s time to use this information to your advantage.
Added note: Bringing a kid with you for decoration always helps.
Seriously, what would you all do without me?
--------
Zeta:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Four Horsemen
So..the Horsemen beat Kaunas. However, they were too much of little bitches to put anything on the line, like I asked them too. Not confident in your own team? Blah. Almost makes me not want to rank you hear and reward your dumb luck. All that’s left for them in the regular season is the Week 16 matchup against Warsaw.
2. Kaunas Archangels
Holy cockballs.
Seriously, this is this is the cut off between sober Committee and drunk Committee. I went to play softball and think over what the fuck to say for our team this week, and ended up losing the game, and then going back to the bar that sponsors us and drinking my sorrows away. The rest of these rankings might get even weirder.
3. Warsaw Gods of War
I’m going to tell you all the truth, I think you can beat the Four Horsemen, but don’t let them know because they’ll just think I’m bias. Plus, if you do win, then I have a good reason to put Kaunas back at number one, which would be awesome. I can’t have my teammates mad at me for dumping them down a spot for too long, ya know? Eventually I need a reason to move them back up again.
4. Philadelphia Demonik
Well, you’re not going to get an lolgif.trophy this year. With games against Knossos and Kaunas left to go, you may not even be as relevant as fourth place when the playoffs roll around. However, you are named after an awesome reference in an awesome movie so I will try my best to keep you guys relevant despite the odds. You could help me out by beating Knossos next week, though.
5. Knossos Minotaurs
Anyone want the secret to know that they’re having too much fun?
When the neighbors change their wifi network to “stop throwing parties; I can hear you having sex.”
For the record, don’t change your network, in response, to “fuck you old cumstain neighbors.” That makes it awkward when you ask their daughter to watch your house when you go to Spain.
6. Wroclaw Wrecking Crew
Well I kept you guys at number six for another week. I hope that you actually make good on your promise and pay me for the respect I’m showing you this week.
If not, you go to number eight, no questions asked.
7. Border Reivers
OMG more stories!
So I got another text, from the same friend. He was talking about what girls he was with tonight (it is hump night, lame asses) and shit. Tonight’s classic quote was “I don’t care how fat she is, and how many of my friends she’s been with, you can’t turn down a BJ in this economy.” That’s before I got there and he started introducing his oreo milkshake to everyone and telling them how lucky he was going to be tonight.
And I thought I was struggling.
8. Valhalla Einherjar
LOLvalhalla. Jusssttt making the playoffs is embarrassing. Seriously, an eight in GLB is like the girls with herpes. Even though she’s a shitty fuck, you still have to do her to get ready for the real ones.
The teams literally slurp on weiner
9. Istanbul Turks:
Ok, I’m fucked up.
Someone just told me that I was at the bar, chilling in a barstool (obviously trying to watch Kansas win) when one of my teammates playing pool started fucking with me and throwing the pool balls as hard as he can at me, hitting me on several occasions. I don’t remember any of this, but if I have bruises tomorrow, there’s going to be one pissed Committee (of one).
10. Gamehendge Knights
Ugh. What the fuck is there to say about this team? Seriously, the only question left for these guys is whether they lose two or three more games. I wouldn’t even worry about it though, regardless of the final win-loss record, a proper gutting should be in order here. I heat Minors Level 14 is where it’s at.
11. Croatian Flesh Eaters
Does anyone remember Week 1 when I told them that CAPS LOCKING their name was fucking retarded?
Damn, I was right.
As usual. This team blows turkey’s.
12. Montreal Ice
Seriously, who the fuck loses to Croatian by 75 points? Broncos 1,000 Yard Back is now officially out as a Committee Favorite. Now that that’s the case there is absolutely nothing going for this team, and nothing to talk to about.
Hopefully they make the right decision in the offseason and bomb this operation to hell.
Really what the hell else is there to say here?
13. Lefkada Seahawks
I’m really wondering what the plan is here. Ok, so you got the young defense, I get it. But seriously, why keep the old ass offense around? When your defense becomes good, they’re going to be toast. Why not gut the offense, along with the defense, take the demotion, and win games?
Am I in the fucking dark, here?
14. Glorious Nation Kazakhstan:
Glorious Nation……blah!
Seriously, what else do you guys fail at? Sex? Relationships? Sports? Life in General? Dinosaur hunting? What’s the deal here? This team is the definition of junk.
----
It's a fuckin' miracle I was able to get these out on time. Someone owes me a ZJ.
