Coach BSS stumbles out and sits behind the table full of microphones. Everybody from ESPN - Africa to E! has microphones set up. Like normal, it is a circus when MaRAWK!!o is involved.
Coach BSS: "My lawyers tell me I'm going to read a prepared statement and then answer a few questions."
BSS pulls out a piece of paper. Clumsily unfolds it and spends some time pressing the wrinkles out by spreading the paper across the table. He then clears his throat before taking a long drink out of the glass next to him.
<rumors have long been spreading that MaRAWK!!o doesn't have any working taps in the facility as they all rusted closed due to lack of use. General consensus is the "water" glass is either gin or rum>
Coach starts reading:
"I wanted to come out here of my own will and answer some questions. Recently there has been information in the media regarding possible bad decisions vis-a-vis violence within the MaRAWK!!o coaching fraternity and within relationships I've had with women in my personal life. First I would like to apologize to our fans, players and management of MaRAWK!!o. While I believe I will be found innocent at the conclusion of the investigation I know it has been a distraction to my team. I'll now take any questions."
First Reporter: Coach, since these allegations have come out we have noticed your co-owner has been inactive quite a bit. Are those two things related? Has he resigned?
Coach BSS takes several deep breaths while his face gets progressively more and more red
Coach BSS: "Well I can't tell you exactly what he has been up to. I can tell you I have seen him several times in the past week. Maybe he hasn't logged on because your a prick."
Reporter #1: "Excuse me?"
Coach BSS snaps: "You heard what I f#Q%^ing said. You want to know where Sue Acula is? Well you better call him because that jacka$$ isn't going to be typing for several more weeks. And he isn't the only one going to be in that situation if you keep asking those f#%@ing stupid questions. Let's just say that prick thought he was smart too."
Reporter #2: "Um...coach.....there are rumors that you may have beaten up that lovely, young reporter that you were alleged to be sleeping with. Is there any truth to that rumor?"
Coach BSS: "Unbelievable. Why would I beat her up?"
Reporter #2: "Coach, I'm not sure I'm just reporting on what I'm hearing."
Coach BSS: "Well then let me tell you. That b!tch had a big mouth and she had it coming like nobody's business. Seriously, did you ever try to have a conversation with her? Well it is funnier now because she is missing some teeth. Does anybody want to talk about this Suez game tomorrow?"
Reporter #1: "Actually Coach everybody is pretty sure the MaRAWK!!olypse has been postponed for another season and nobody is giving you a chance."
Coach: "Well holy crap I don't blame them. Have you seen the offense on those guys. Those guys score more than me at your sister's house. Christ 6-5 is going to suck. I'm just glad I don't have to talk to you jacka$$e$ about football any more. Now you know why I beat folks up to keep the distractions flying around. And one more thing - tell your mom to stop calling me at work. Coach BSS out."
Coach BSS: "My lawyers tell me I'm going to read a prepared statement and then answer a few questions."
BSS pulls out a piece of paper. Clumsily unfolds it and spends some time pressing the wrinkles out by spreading the paper across the table. He then clears his throat before taking a long drink out of the glass next to him.
<rumors have long been spreading that MaRAWK!!o doesn't have any working taps in the facility as they all rusted closed due to lack of use. General consensus is the "water" glass is either gin or rum>
Coach starts reading:
"I wanted to come out here of my own will and answer some questions. Recently there has been information in the media regarding possible bad decisions vis-a-vis violence within the MaRAWK!!o coaching fraternity and within relationships I've had with women in my personal life. First I would like to apologize to our fans, players and management of MaRAWK!!o. While I believe I will be found innocent at the conclusion of the investigation I know it has been a distraction to my team. I'll now take any questions."
First Reporter: Coach, since these allegations have come out we have noticed your co-owner has been inactive quite a bit. Are those two things related? Has he resigned?
Coach BSS takes several deep breaths while his face gets progressively more and more red
Coach BSS: "Well I can't tell you exactly what he has been up to. I can tell you I have seen him several times in the past week. Maybe he hasn't logged on because your a prick."
Reporter #1: "Excuse me?"
Coach BSS snaps: "You heard what I f#Q%^ing said. You want to know where Sue Acula is? Well you better call him because that jacka$$ isn't going to be typing for several more weeks. And he isn't the only one going to be in that situation if you keep asking those f#%@ing stupid questions. Let's just say that prick thought he was smart too."
Reporter #2: "Um...coach.....there are rumors that you may have beaten up that lovely, young reporter that you were alleged to be sleeping with. Is there any truth to that rumor?"
Coach BSS: "Unbelievable. Why would I beat her up?"
Reporter #2: "Coach, I'm not sure I'm just reporting on what I'm hearing."
Coach BSS: "Well then let me tell you. That b!tch had a big mouth and she had it coming like nobody's business. Seriously, did you ever try to have a conversation with her? Well it is funnier now because she is missing some teeth. Does anybody want to talk about this Suez game tomorrow?"
Reporter #1: "Actually Coach everybody is pretty sure the MaRAWK!!olypse has been postponed for another season and nobody is giving you a chance."
Coach: "Well holy crap I don't blame them. Have you seen the offense on those guys. Those guys score more than me at your sister's house. Christ 6-5 is going to suck. I'm just glad I don't have to talk to you jacka$$e$ about football any more. Now you know why I beat folks up to keep the distractions flying around. And one more thing - tell your mom to stop calling me at work. Coach BSS out."
