Welcome, chuckle heads, to the second issue of SA's Sports Page!!
Yay!
Well there goes game 1 of the season, so school is F'ing ouwt, chuckle heads!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qga5eONXU_4
Get your shit together or you will get schooled! The inter conference games are over and now every game has more meaning on the race to the playoffs!
We had a great 1st week of season 12!
The Zeta teams proved to be the best conference by winning 10 of the 16 inter conference games.
And what a great GOW we had!
The X Factor led 16-13 after the 3rd quarter, but the Reivers dominated the fourth quarter and scored 14 unanswered points to win the very first GOW, 27-16.
Whew! I'm sweating just thinking about it!
Congrats to the Reivers and thanks to both teams for making the first GOW a really good one!
We had two name changes come about in time for game 2.
The Cape Town Cowboys are now the Lithuanian Lumberjacks and Fight Club is now the Sparta Baby Chickens. Go figure.
Okay, so I need to explain how the Hot Chick Lounge actually works.
You see, these fantastic write ups you guys get every game are quite the time killer for me. They can take anywhere from 3 to 8 hours to do.
Honestly, I once spent eight hours over 2 days doing one of these, so that proves two things.
One, I put a lot of dedication into these.
And two, I have absolutely no life whatsoever.
So to help my brain from getting too fried every other day, I bought a little strip joint and named it the Hot Chick Lounge (not very creative, I know). But it’s a place where all the really foul teams can go and sit and enjoy watching the rest of the league play out and do it while looking at pics of trashy chicks.
So when a team is CPU, earns 9 losses, is knocked out of playoff contention or I decide that they just have no freaking chance in hell, I send them to the Hot Chick Lounge and save my brain from extra meltdown by coming up with comments for the bad teams. It also gives me a little extra time to cruise the net for porn.
So today we have four guaranteed Hot Chick Lounge teams that have been handed VIP passes to the Hot Chick Lounge and given pics of their slutty women for the day.
The Springfield Meltdowns, Furious George, Deimon Devil Bats and the New Jersey Bombers.
Congrats to all four CPU teams.
So who will be the top teams after game 2?
Who will go 2-0 and who will just go?
Did they really give Obama a Nobel peace prize?
Why can't I be as good with the force like the Star Wars kid? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU
Don't look at me, just read the Sport's Page and all will be revealed, chuckle heads!
1............2............3.............LET'S DO THIS SHIT!!!
You may or may not agree with them, but this is how I see them.
****ALPHA CONFERENCE POWER RANKINGS****
LW = Last Week ranking
* = Play Off spot clinched
#1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) LW1 - And the streak continues! 39 straight wins! Mombasa put up a good fight, but the Freight Train were just too much team for the Wombats to handle.
So you guys retain your #1 status for another week.
But wait just a minute, there’s a new team in town! And they are some burly, plaid wearing, tree chopping, bad asses! The former Cape Town Cowboys are now the Lithuanian Lumberjacks and they are looking to take down some Ukrainian Train ass!
Next opponent: #3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0)
#2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0) LW2 - Well that was a very impressive win over a crap of a team, 255-0 over the Buffalo Range Roamers.
And up next is the CPU Devil Bats? Congrats on a second win next week, but wake me up when something exciting happens.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………….
Next opponent: at #16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1)
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) LW5 -
Wha?
Who the hell are the Lithuanian Lumberjacks?
Well they are the former Cape Town Cowboys, that's who.
The newly named Lumberjacks are now here and ready to make a big splash in Alpha.
They have been training in the mountains chopping wood, hauling logs and riding pine………….sounds like they’ve been training at Brokeback Mountain to me.
But here they are, none the less, ready to take on the #1 team in all of Alpha.
Next opponent: at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0)
#4 Odessa Outrage (1-0) LW7 - Ok, the CPU win is out of the way now, so it’s time for a real test for the Outrage.
The House of Pain comes to Fury Coliseum to try and give you guys your first check in the L column.
Get mad, get pissed, get angry, because that the thought of them trying to beat you is a complete OUTRAGE!!!!
Grrr!!!
Next opponent: #9 House Of Pain (0-1)
#5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0) LW8 - Way to beat the Pangs! 55-0 is a pretty good win, but don’t look now because the Gods are in town to strike down you Tigers.
The are rated a bit higher than you guys, so a little extra game planning is in order to grab this win.
Next opponent: #7 The Gods (0-1)
#6 Furious George (1-0) LW13 - Even though they won, they are CPU and belong in the Lounge with the other kitchen appliance teams.
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/05Eryn/Eryn-01.jpg
Next opponent: #8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1)
#7 The Gods (0-1) LW3 - That was a tough loss you Gods suffered at the hands of the Bishops. Looks like they won the holy war.
So now it is the Cincinnati Tigers up next for Pedro and the gang.
Better send your better gods this time and not the lesser gods like Nappy, the god of really bad hair-do’s.
Oh, and btw Pedro, this weeks Sports Page is wedgie free.
Next opponent: at #5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0)
#8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1) LW4 - Well if it isn’t Foshizzle as the Asst. DC on the X Factor. Wat up Foshizzle?
Well that was a tough loss in the GOW, but the CPU Furious George are up next and you guys should have some fun toying with small electrical devices.
Kind of like how my ex did with her vibrator……………..that bitch.
Next opponent: at #6 Furious George (1-0)
#9 House Of Pain (0-1) LW6 - Ouch! The Swarm really stung it to you guys, LOL, get it?................“Stung” it to you?.......they are a swarm and they sting things, so they “stung” it to you……..oh fuck it.
Anyway, it’s another tough test for you guys. It’s time you guys got a slogan or something.
How about, “Pain is our business and business is……….well, it’s ok so far, but we expect things to pick up after Christmas”.
Next opponent: at #4 Odessa Outrage (1-0)
#10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1) LW9 – Aw for Pete’s sake!! What the hell is a Sparta Baby Chicken?!?!
What happened to Fight Club?
Oh well, there goes all the one liners I had lined up for Fight Club……..shit.
Ok, so now it’s the Sparta Baby Chickens, so in honor of our new group of Chicks, I arranged a Hollywood welcome for the Baby Chicks. From one group of Chicks to the new group of Chicks………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovJ4jAnr14 …….Goodbye Earl…… I mean Fight Club.
Next opponent: #12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1)
#11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1) LW10 - Thank God you guys are still the Nightmare. Too many name changes in one day.
But let’s face it, you guys got your butts kicked against the Vikings of Berlin (like that name makes sense).
And next up is your very first cream puff team, which can only mean one thing in the world of the Sports Page……………it’s vacation time!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RHTiXvELNg
Yes, that’s right, you guys have earned yourselves a one game vacation after that tough defeat. Although you are staying in Tallinn for your vacation, enjoy the day off and the win.
Next opponent: #15 Aachen Spartans (0-1)
#12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1) LW11 - How did you guys ever manage to piss off the schedule makers this much?
Your first 8 of 9 games are all up against the best teams in Alpha! Well at least you get the majority of the toughies out of the way, I guess.
So go to Sparta to take on the new Baby Chickens.
Maybe hire this guy as your DC for this game….
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Media/Pix/pictures/2008/04/30/KFCcruelty460.jpg
Next opponent: at #10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1)
#13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1) LW12 - Well Vikings, that game just sucked. Not a fun way to start off the season. But keep your horned helmets on, because the Tomsk Assassins are up next, so this game should even the record out at 1-1 and give you some extra time to get ready for the Lumberjacks in game 3.
Next opponent: #14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1)
#14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1) LW15 - Please make sure everyone says thank you to the Assassins for being in the league and providing a win to the other teams every week.
What a great group of fellas’.
Next opponent: at #13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1)
#15 Aachen Spartans (0-1) LW16 - Ok, here is a crazy question. What the hell are Spartans doing in Germany? They must be there for the beer.
You guys are the next week’s entry into the Hot Chick Lounge, so enjoy your last couple days of freedom.
Next opponent: at #11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1)
#16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1) LW14 - Congrats on being the first team to earn entrance into the Hot chick lounge!
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/01Sydney/Sydney-01.jpg
Next opponent: #2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0)
*****WEEK 2 ALPHA CONFERENCE PREDICTIONS*****
So I’ll keep track of my predictions week by week just to see if I am any dam good. In the Game of the Week's (GOW) I'll go up against my old pal, the On Line Magic 8 Ball http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball/
Yes, I really do consult an On Line Magic 8 Ball.
Here's my prediction record week by week.
Week 1: 6-2 Week 2:
Overall: 6-2
SA’s GOW: 0-1
Magic 8 Ball’s GOW: 1-0
#9 House Of Pain (0-1) at #4 Odessa Outrage (1-0) = Odessa Outrage - The Outrage will overcome the Pain.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1) at #6 Furious George (1-0) = Excellence Express X Factor - No problems for the X Factor here.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#7 The Gods (0-1) at #5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0) = The Gods - The Gods have a chance to rebound here.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) = Ukraine Freight Train – The streak goes to 40!
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0) at #16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1) = Banja Luka Funky Bunch – Win #2 for Funky Bunch.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#15 Aachen Spartans (0-1) at #11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1) = Tallinn Nightmare - Time to become the Spartans Nightmare. Which means you must dress like Persians.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1) at #10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1) = Sparta Baby Chickens - Maybe the first win under the new name.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1) at #13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1) = Vestfold Vikings - Vikings go 1-1 after this one.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
*Game Of The Week* (GOW)
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) -
Now here is a helluva Alpha GOW!
In one corner you have the Ukraine Freight Train chugging along on a 39 game win streak!
In the other corner we have the newly named Lumberjacks looking to hop up to the top spot in the conference.
#3 vs #1 in the GOW!
This one will be played at the Train Station and televised live throughout all of Lithuania and the Ukraine, at Charlie Hooper’s Bar and Grill in Kansas City and in 4 counties in Montana.
So make this one a “Loser Leaves Town” match! The winner goes to #1 and the loser gets the hell out!
Good luck fellas’!
Magic 8 Ball says: http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball
Question: Will the Lumberjacks beat the Freight Train?
8 Ball's answer: Signs point to yes
SA's Pick: Ukraine Freight Train
Magic 8 Ball Pick: Lithuanian Lumberjacks
Here is where things even out in the rivalry with the 8-Ball!
24/48 beers! – Well now that is the way to start the season off, with a case of fine alcoholic beer!
Alpha has four great games to watch this week!
We have the Sharpshooters taking on the Baby Chickens.
The House of Pain try to calm the Odessa Outrage.
The Gods are looking to wrap themselves in a new tiger skin toga as they take on the Cincinnati Tigers.
And finally, we have the G….O…..W, where the Lithuanian Lumberjacks are trying to chop down the #1 Ukraine Freight Train.
So Dr. SA prescribes drinking a six pack per game and save the good stuff for the GOW.
The only thing better than watching four great games of exciting GLB action while drinking a case of fine, fine brew is watching four games of exciting GLB action while drinking a case of fine, fine brew completely in the buff………
……….you know what?......
…….....that is one dam fine idea…...
…………..I’m doing it!!
http://i378.photobucket.com/albums/oo227/jason41470/fat-guy06.jpg
Let’s do this shit!!
Good luck to all the Alpha teams in week 2!
____________________________________________________________________________
****ZETA CONFERENCE POWER RANKINGS****
LW = Last Week Ranking
* = Play Off spot clinched
#1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0) LW1 - The Warsaw War Gods disposed of the Sharpshooters, 108-3, in the first game of the season to give them the win and keep their #1 ranking.
108-3? Really? I guess that’s what you get when you mess with the Warsaw War Gods…who happen to be experts at war because they are….gods…..of war…….from…Warsaw.
Next up are those mean pig killing Zabijacks.
Next opponent: #7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0)
#2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0) LW3 - Great job on beating up the Vestfold Vikings like that in game 1. It’s always nice to start a new season off with a win.
You know what else is nice to start a new season off with?
A shot of………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQRt5aoPlMQ
If you Bootleggers are going to be smuggling something this next game, make it some Cuervo Gold.
Next opponent: at #6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0)
#3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) LW4 - Looks like you Bishops don’t play by the rules of the good book after all. What ever happened to turning the other cheek and all that “peace”, “love” and “May the force be with you” stuff?
I guess you guys are on more of a crusade than a mission of peace.
So next up, it’s time to convert some heathens in Tunguska, one Meteor at a time.
Next opponent: #9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0)
#4 Serbia Swarm (1-0) LW5 - Wow! The Swarm really took it to the House of Pain. A big win gets them off with a 1-0 start to season 12.
Go ahead and take a break you guys, because up next are the Offtopics and they shouldn’t be too much trouble for you.
Next opponent: #14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1)
#5 Border Reivers (1-0) LW6 - The first team to win a GOW in season 12, congrats on the win!
That was a good team you guys beat too. But it gets a little easier in the next two games. So enjoy the big win and get ready for two more wins. You guys will be off to a nice 3-0 start, as long as you don’t screw it up.
Next opponent: #12 Hungary Pangs (0-1)
#6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0) LW7 - Ok Black Hand, that was an easy game 1, but now you guys enter a very tough six game stretch against teams rated 60 or better. Now’s the time to pick up those tough wins and get ahead of the pack early.
It all starts off with the Bootleggers, but don’t worry I already called the cops to be on the lookout for them. I just hope it’s not these cops…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_PxqLIcA1A
Next opponent: #2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0)
#7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0) LW8 - I figured out a way for you piggy killers to get the win over the War Gods!
Just combine the pig killers with War Gods and what do you get?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3s6kPxh3Hc
That should scare the shit out of those guys!
Next opponent: at #1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0)
#8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0) LW9 - Geez, who did you guys screw to get that easy start to the schedule?
Well, we will just have to sit and watch them demolish the Meltowns and in games 3, 4 and 5 we will get a chance to see them in action against a tough opponent.
Enjoy the 2-0 start, it doesn’t get any easier than that.
Next opponent: #16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1)
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) LW10 - I wouldn’t expect anything other than a huge crushing defeat that you laid upon the Devil Bats. Way to really destroy them.
But here is your first test of the young season. The Bishops are coming of a nice, strong win over the Gods and are looking to make you guys their next converts.
So show them what you guys are made of and try to enjoy yourselves at Fast Fred’s Field.
Next opponent: at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0)
#10 Berlin Vikings (1-0) LW11 - Not much to say here except for congrats on the win in game 1.
So let’s face it, you should win the second game too.
Call me when it gets exciting in Berlin.
Next opponent: at #15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1)
#11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1) LW2 - Well you Wombats actually stood toe to toe with the Freight Train and made a decent game out of it, nicely done.
So now, you get a reward and you get to travel to Buffalo to play the Range Roamers.
That should provide you with your first win of season 12.
Next opponent: at #13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1)
#12 Hungary Pangs (0-1) LW12 - Ok, so you guys lost and now you face the Reivers. Good luck with that.
Let’s talk about your punter Landon Stripp’s avatar, shall we?
http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=1157397
FANTASTIC!!! LOL!
That is a very cool avatar, I like this team so much more now that I’ve seen that one.
Great pic, Lukin83!
Next opponent: at #5 Border Reivers (1-0)
#13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1) LW14 - Oy, it will be a long season for the Range Roamers. Expect loss #2 to come in game 2.
Keep on recruiting though.
Next opponent: #11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1)
#14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1) LW13 - Guess who is next in line for a free ride to the Hot Chick Lounge?
Yep, you guys! We will end the suffering early for you guys.
Next opponent: at #4 Serbia Swarm (1-0)
#15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1) LW15 - Your first Hot Chick pic!
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/01Nadia/Nadia-28.jpg
Next opponent: #10 Berlin Vikings (1-0)
#16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1) LW16 - Enjoy your stay in the Hot Chick Lounge.
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/04AmyMaRie/AmyMarie-25.jpg
Next opponent: at #8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0)
*****WEEK 2 ZETA CONFERENCE PREDICTIONS*****
Here's my Zeta prediction record week by week.
Week 1: 7-1 Week 2:
Overall: 7-1
SA’s GOW: 0-1
Magic 8 Ball’s GOW: 1-0
#12 Hungary Pangs (0-1) at #5 Border Reivers (1-0) = Border Reivers – Taking the Reivers over the Pangs.
Game Rating: 5/6 beers
#11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1) at #13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1) = Mombasa Wombats – Wombats will get win #1.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) = Tunguska Meteors – A tough one to call, but I’ll stick with the Meteors.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1) at #4 Serbia Swarm (1-0) = Serbia Swarm – Enjoy the win, Swarmers.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0) at #6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0) = Beograd Black Hand – Ok, ok, so I’m a bit partial to the Hand. But I still think they will win.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0) at #1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0) = Warsaw War Gods - Should be a knock down, all out fight. But I'm thinking the War Godsd might end up on top.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#10 Berlin Vikings (1-0) at #15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1) = Berlin Vikings – Nothing like a win over a CPU team to get you back in the game!
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1) at #8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0) = Kaunas Archangels - *yyaaaaaaaaaawwnnn* nothing exciting to see here, just another Archangels win.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
*Game Of The Week* (GOW)
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) -
The first Zeta GOW is here and we have a great match up for it!
The Tunguska Meteors take on the Vatican City Bishops!
The Meteors have yet to be truly tested and the Bishops just beat up the Gods to get their first win.
This one will be a slugfest for sure!
What is legal? Brass knuckles, guns, nuclear missiles!
What isn’t legal? Baking brownies with three packages of Ex-Lax baked into them, then waiting for them to go drop the deuce and throwing water balloons at them while they are still shitting.
Not cool.
Magic 8 Ball says: http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball
Question: Will the Meteors beat the Bishops?
8 Ball's answer: Without a doubt
SA's Pick: Tunguska Meteors
Magic 8 Ball Pick: Tunguska Meteors
I hate it when 8-Ball agrees with me!
29/48 beers! – 29 beers!! I think that is a new record!!
We’ve got four great match ups for you to choose from in week 2!
The GOW features the Meteors and the Bishops.
We also have the Black Hand battling the Bootleggers!
The Zabijacks versus the War Gods!
And the Reivers taking on the Pangs!
All I need to do now is find some nice, wholesome internet porn and I will never leave the basement…. I mean my room again!
Let’s do this shit!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spz8_rpE0e0
Good luck to all the Zeta teams in week 2!
Yay!
Well there goes game 1 of the season, so school is F'ing ouwt, chuckle heads!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qga5eONXU_4
Get your shit together or you will get schooled! The inter conference games are over and now every game has more meaning on the race to the playoffs!
We had a great 1st week of season 12!
The Zeta teams proved to be the best conference by winning 10 of the 16 inter conference games.
And what a great GOW we had!
The X Factor led 16-13 after the 3rd quarter, but the Reivers dominated the fourth quarter and scored 14 unanswered points to win the very first GOW, 27-16.
Whew! I'm sweating just thinking about it!
Congrats to the Reivers and thanks to both teams for making the first GOW a really good one!
We had two name changes come about in time for game 2.
The Cape Town Cowboys are now the Lithuanian Lumberjacks and Fight Club is now the Sparta Baby Chickens. Go figure.
Okay, so I need to explain how the Hot Chick Lounge actually works.
You see, these fantastic write ups you guys get every game are quite the time killer for me. They can take anywhere from 3 to 8 hours to do.
Honestly, I once spent eight hours over 2 days doing one of these, so that proves two things.
One, I put a lot of dedication into these.
And two, I have absolutely no life whatsoever.
So to help my brain from getting too fried every other day, I bought a little strip joint and named it the Hot Chick Lounge (not very creative, I know). But it’s a place where all the really foul teams can go and sit and enjoy watching the rest of the league play out and do it while looking at pics of trashy chicks.
So when a team is CPU, earns 9 losses, is knocked out of playoff contention or I decide that they just have no freaking chance in hell, I send them to the Hot Chick Lounge and save my brain from extra meltdown by coming up with comments for the bad teams. It also gives me a little extra time to cruise the net for porn.
So today we have four guaranteed Hot Chick Lounge teams that have been handed VIP passes to the Hot Chick Lounge and given pics of their slutty women for the day.
The Springfield Meltdowns, Furious George, Deimon Devil Bats and the New Jersey Bombers.
Congrats to all four CPU teams.
So who will be the top teams after game 2?
Who will go 2-0 and who will just go?
Did they really give Obama a Nobel peace prize?
Why can't I be as good with the force like the Star Wars kid? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU
Don't look at me, just read the Sport's Page and all will be revealed, chuckle heads!
1............2............3.............LET'S DO THIS SHIT!!!
You may or may not agree with them, but this is how I see them.
****ALPHA CONFERENCE POWER RANKINGS****
LW = Last Week ranking
* = Play Off spot clinched
#1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) LW1 - And the streak continues! 39 straight wins! Mombasa put up a good fight, but the Freight Train were just too much team for the Wombats to handle.
So you guys retain your #1 status for another week.
But wait just a minute, there’s a new team in town! And they are some burly, plaid wearing, tree chopping, bad asses! The former Cape Town Cowboys are now the Lithuanian Lumberjacks and they are looking to take down some Ukrainian Train ass!
Next opponent: #3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0)
#2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0) LW2 - Well that was a very impressive win over a crap of a team, 255-0 over the Buffalo Range Roamers.
And up next is the CPU Devil Bats? Congrats on a second win next week, but wake me up when something exciting happens.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………….
Next opponent: at #16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1)
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) LW5 -
Wha?
Who the hell are the Lithuanian Lumberjacks?
Well they are the former Cape Town Cowboys, that's who.
The newly named Lumberjacks are now here and ready to make a big splash in Alpha.
They have been training in the mountains chopping wood, hauling logs and riding pine………….sounds like they’ve been training at Brokeback Mountain to me.
But here they are, none the less, ready to take on the #1 team in all of Alpha.
Next opponent: at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0)
#4 Odessa Outrage (1-0) LW7 - Ok, the CPU win is out of the way now, so it’s time for a real test for the Outrage.
The House of Pain comes to Fury Coliseum to try and give you guys your first check in the L column.
Get mad, get pissed, get angry, because that the thought of them trying to beat you is a complete OUTRAGE!!!!
Grrr!!!
Next opponent: #9 House Of Pain (0-1)
#5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0) LW8 - Way to beat the Pangs! 55-0 is a pretty good win, but don’t look now because the Gods are in town to strike down you Tigers.
The are rated a bit higher than you guys, so a little extra game planning is in order to grab this win.
Next opponent: #7 The Gods (0-1)
#6 Furious George (1-0) LW13 - Even though they won, they are CPU and belong in the Lounge with the other kitchen appliance teams.
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/05Eryn/Eryn-01.jpg
Next opponent: #8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1)
#7 The Gods (0-1) LW3 - That was a tough loss you Gods suffered at the hands of the Bishops. Looks like they won the holy war.
So now it is the Cincinnati Tigers up next for Pedro and the gang.
Better send your better gods this time and not the lesser gods like Nappy, the god of really bad hair-do’s.
Oh, and btw Pedro, this weeks Sports Page is wedgie free.
Next opponent: at #5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0)
#8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1) LW4 - Well if it isn’t Foshizzle as the Asst. DC on the X Factor. Wat up Foshizzle?
Well that was a tough loss in the GOW, but the CPU Furious George are up next and you guys should have some fun toying with small electrical devices.
Kind of like how my ex did with her vibrator……………..that bitch.
Next opponent: at #6 Furious George (1-0)
#9 House Of Pain (0-1) LW6 - Ouch! The Swarm really stung it to you guys, LOL, get it?................“Stung” it to you?.......they are a swarm and they sting things, so they “stung” it to you……..oh fuck it.
Anyway, it’s another tough test for you guys. It’s time you guys got a slogan or something.
How about, “Pain is our business and business is……….well, it’s ok so far, but we expect things to pick up after Christmas”.
Next opponent: at #4 Odessa Outrage (1-0)
#10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1) LW9 – Aw for Pete’s sake!! What the hell is a Sparta Baby Chicken?!?!
What happened to Fight Club?
Oh well, there goes all the one liners I had lined up for Fight Club……..shit.
Ok, so now it’s the Sparta Baby Chickens, so in honor of our new group of Chicks, I arranged a Hollywood welcome for the Baby Chicks. From one group of Chicks to the new group of Chicks………
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GovJ4jAnr14 …….Goodbye Earl…… I mean Fight Club.
Next opponent: #12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1)
#11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1) LW10 - Thank God you guys are still the Nightmare. Too many name changes in one day.
But let’s face it, you guys got your butts kicked against the Vikings of Berlin (like that name makes sense).
And next up is your very first cream puff team, which can only mean one thing in the world of the Sports Page……………it’s vacation time!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RHTiXvELNg
Yes, that’s right, you guys have earned yourselves a one game vacation after that tough defeat. Although you are staying in Tallinn for your vacation, enjoy the day off and the win.
Next opponent: #15 Aachen Spartans (0-1)
#12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1) LW11 - How did you guys ever manage to piss off the schedule makers this much?
Your first 8 of 9 games are all up against the best teams in Alpha! Well at least you get the majority of the toughies out of the way, I guess.
So go to Sparta to take on the new Baby Chickens.
Maybe hire this guy as your DC for this game….
http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Media/Pix/pictures/2008/04/30/KFCcruelty460.jpg
Next opponent: at #10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1)
#13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1) LW12 - Well Vikings, that game just sucked. Not a fun way to start off the season. But keep your horned helmets on, because the Tomsk Assassins are up next, so this game should even the record out at 1-1 and give you some extra time to get ready for the Lumberjacks in game 3.
Next opponent: #14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1)
#14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1) LW15 - Please make sure everyone says thank you to the Assassins for being in the league and providing a win to the other teams every week.
What a great group of fellas’.
Next opponent: at #13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1)
#15 Aachen Spartans (0-1) LW16 - Ok, here is a crazy question. What the hell are Spartans doing in Germany? They must be there for the beer.
You guys are the next week’s entry into the Hot Chick Lounge, so enjoy your last couple days of freedom.
Next opponent: at #11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1)
#16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1) LW14 - Congrats on being the first team to earn entrance into the Hot chick lounge!
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/01Sydney/Sydney-01.jpg
Next opponent: #2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0)
*****WEEK 2 ALPHA CONFERENCE PREDICTIONS*****
So I’ll keep track of my predictions week by week just to see if I am any dam good. In the Game of the Week's (GOW) I'll go up against my old pal, the On Line Magic 8 Ball http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball/
Yes, I really do consult an On Line Magic 8 Ball.
Here's my prediction record week by week.
Week 1: 6-2 Week 2:
Overall: 6-2
SA’s GOW: 0-1
Magic 8 Ball’s GOW: 1-0
#9 House Of Pain (0-1) at #4 Odessa Outrage (1-0) = Odessa Outrage - The Outrage will overcome the Pain.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#8 Excellence Express X Factor (0-1) at #6 Furious George (1-0) = Excellence Express X Factor - No problems for the X Factor here.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#7 The Gods (0-1) at #5 Cincinnati Tigers (1-0) = The Gods - The Gods have a chance to rebound here.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) = Ukraine Freight Train – The streak goes to 40!
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#2 Banja Luka Funky Bunch (1-0) at #16 Deimon Devil Bats (0-1) = Banja Luka Funky Bunch – Win #2 for Funky Bunch.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#15 Aachen Spartans (0-1) at #11 Tallinn Nightmare (0-1) = Tallinn Nightmare - Time to become the Spartans Nightmare. Which means you must dress like Persians.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#12 West Charleville Sharpshooters (0-1) at #10 Sparta Baby Chickens (0-1) = Sparta Baby Chickens - Maybe the first win under the new name.
Game Rating: 4/6 beers
#14 Tomsk Assassins (0-1) at #13 Vestfold Vikings (0-1) = Vestfold Vikings - Vikings go 1-1 after this one.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
*Game Of The Week* (GOW)
#3 Lithuanian Lumberjacks (1-0) at #1 Ukraine Freight Train (1-0) -
Now here is a helluva Alpha GOW!
In one corner you have the Ukraine Freight Train chugging along on a 39 game win streak!
In the other corner we have the newly named Lumberjacks looking to hop up to the top spot in the conference.
#3 vs #1 in the GOW!
This one will be played at the Train Station and televised live throughout all of Lithuania and the Ukraine, at Charlie Hooper’s Bar and Grill in Kansas City and in 4 counties in Montana.
So make this one a “Loser Leaves Town” match! The winner goes to #1 and the loser gets the hell out!
Good luck fellas’!
Magic 8 Ball says: http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball
Question: Will the Lumberjacks beat the Freight Train?
8 Ball's answer: Signs point to yes
SA's Pick: Ukraine Freight Train
Magic 8 Ball Pick: Lithuanian Lumberjacks
Here is where things even out in the rivalry with the 8-Ball!
24/48 beers! – Well now that is the way to start the season off, with a case of fine alcoholic beer!
Alpha has four great games to watch this week!
We have the Sharpshooters taking on the Baby Chickens.
The House of Pain try to calm the Odessa Outrage.
The Gods are looking to wrap themselves in a new tiger skin toga as they take on the Cincinnati Tigers.
And finally, we have the G….O…..W, where the Lithuanian Lumberjacks are trying to chop down the #1 Ukraine Freight Train.
So Dr. SA prescribes drinking a six pack per game and save the good stuff for the GOW.
The only thing better than watching four great games of exciting GLB action while drinking a case of fine, fine brew is watching four games of exciting GLB action while drinking a case of fine, fine brew completely in the buff………
……….you know what?......
…….....that is one dam fine idea…...
…………..I’m doing it!!
http://i378.photobucket.com/albums/oo227/jason41470/fat-guy06.jpg
Let’s do this shit!!
Good luck to all the Alpha teams in week 2!
____________________________________________________________________________
****ZETA CONFERENCE POWER RANKINGS****
LW = Last Week Ranking
* = Play Off spot clinched
#1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0) LW1 - The Warsaw War Gods disposed of the Sharpshooters, 108-3, in the first game of the season to give them the win and keep their #1 ranking.
108-3? Really? I guess that’s what you get when you mess with the Warsaw War Gods…who happen to be experts at war because they are….gods…..of war…….from…Warsaw.
Next up are those mean pig killing Zabijacks.
Next opponent: #7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0)
#2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0) LW3 - Great job on beating up the Vestfold Vikings like that in game 1. It’s always nice to start a new season off with a win.
You know what else is nice to start a new season off with?
A shot of………..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQRt5aoPlMQ
If you Bootleggers are going to be smuggling something this next game, make it some Cuervo Gold.
Next opponent: at #6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0)
#3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) LW4 - Looks like you Bishops don’t play by the rules of the good book after all. What ever happened to turning the other cheek and all that “peace”, “love” and “May the force be with you” stuff?
I guess you guys are on more of a crusade than a mission of peace.
So next up, it’s time to convert some heathens in Tunguska, one Meteor at a time.
Next opponent: #9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0)
#4 Serbia Swarm (1-0) LW5 - Wow! The Swarm really took it to the House of Pain. A big win gets them off with a 1-0 start to season 12.
Go ahead and take a break you guys, because up next are the Offtopics and they shouldn’t be too much trouble for you.
Next opponent: #14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1)
#5 Border Reivers (1-0) LW6 - The first team to win a GOW in season 12, congrats on the win!
That was a good team you guys beat too. But it gets a little easier in the next two games. So enjoy the big win and get ready for two more wins. You guys will be off to a nice 3-0 start, as long as you don’t screw it up.
Next opponent: #12 Hungary Pangs (0-1)
#6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0) LW7 - Ok Black Hand, that was an easy game 1, but now you guys enter a very tough six game stretch against teams rated 60 or better. Now’s the time to pick up those tough wins and get ahead of the pack early.
It all starts off with the Bootleggers, but don’t worry I already called the cops to be on the lookout for them. I just hope it’s not these cops…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_PxqLIcA1A
Next opponent: #2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0)
#7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0) LW8 - I figured out a way for you piggy killers to get the win over the War Gods!
Just combine the pig killers with War Gods and what do you get?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3s6kPxh3Hc
That should scare the shit out of those guys!
Next opponent: at #1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0)
#8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0) LW9 - Geez, who did you guys screw to get that easy start to the schedule?
Well, we will just have to sit and watch them demolish the Meltowns and in games 3, 4 and 5 we will get a chance to see them in action against a tough opponent.
Enjoy the 2-0 start, it doesn’t get any easier than that.
Next opponent: #16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1)
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) LW10 - I wouldn’t expect anything other than a huge crushing defeat that you laid upon the Devil Bats. Way to really destroy them.
But here is your first test of the young season. The Bishops are coming of a nice, strong win over the Gods and are looking to make you guys their next converts.
So show them what you guys are made of and try to enjoy yourselves at Fast Fred’s Field.
Next opponent: at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0)
#10 Berlin Vikings (1-0) LW11 - Not much to say here except for congrats on the win in game 1.
So let’s face it, you should win the second game too.
Call me when it gets exciting in Berlin.
Next opponent: at #15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1)
#11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1) LW2 - Well you Wombats actually stood toe to toe with the Freight Train and made a decent game out of it, nicely done.
So now, you get a reward and you get to travel to Buffalo to play the Range Roamers.
That should provide you with your first win of season 12.
Next opponent: at #13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1)
#12 Hungary Pangs (0-1) LW12 - Ok, so you guys lost and now you face the Reivers. Good luck with that.
Let’s talk about your punter Landon Stripp’s avatar, shall we?
http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=1157397
FANTASTIC!!! LOL!
That is a very cool avatar, I like this team so much more now that I’ve seen that one.
Great pic, Lukin83!
Next opponent: at #5 Border Reivers (1-0)
#13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1) LW14 - Oy, it will be a long season for the Range Roamers. Expect loss #2 to come in game 2.
Keep on recruiting though.
Next opponent: #11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1)
#14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1) LW13 - Guess who is next in line for a free ride to the Hot Chick Lounge?
Yep, you guys! We will end the suffering early for you guys.
Next opponent: at #4 Serbia Swarm (1-0)
#15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1) LW15 - Your first Hot Chick pic!
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/01Nadia/Nadia-28.jpg
Next opponent: #10 Berlin Vikings (1-0)
#16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1) LW16 - Enjoy your stay in the Hot Chick Lounge.
http://www.bullz-eye.com/gnd/2006/04AmyMaRie/AmyMarie-25.jpg
Next opponent: at #8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0)
*****WEEK 2 ZETA CONFERENCE PREDICTIONS*****
Here's my Zeta prediction record week by week.
Week 1: 7-1 Week 2:
Overall: 7-1
SA’s GOW: 0-1
Magic 8 Ball’s GOW: 1-0
#12 Hungary Pangs (0-1) at #5 Border Reivers (1-0) = Border Reivers – Taking the Reivers over the Pangs.
Game Rating: 5/6 beers
#11 Mombasa Wombats (0-1) at #13 Buffalo Range Roamers (0-1) = Mombasa Wombats – Wombats will get win #1.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) = Tunguska Meteors – A tough one to call, but I’ll stick with the Meteors.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#14 Secretville Offtopics (0-1) at #4 Serbia Swarm (1-0) = Serbia Swarm – Enjoy the win, Swarmers.
Game Rating: 2/6 beers
#2 Kentucky Bootleggers (1-0) at #6 Beograd Black Hand (1-0) = Beograd Black Hand – Ok, ok, so I’m a bit partial to the Hand. But I still think they will win.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#7 Bratislava Zabijaks (1-0) at #1 Warsaw War Gods (1-0) = Warsaw War Gods - Should be a knock down, all out fight. But I'm thinking the War Godsd might end up on top.
Game Rating: 6/6 beers
#10 Berlin Vikings (1-0) at #15 New Jersey Bombers (0-1) = Berlin Vikings – Nothing like a win over a CPU team to get you back in the game!
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
#16 Springfield Meltdowns (0-1) at #8 Kaunas Archangels (1-0) = Kaunas Archangels - *yyaaaaaaaaaawwnnn* nothing exciting to see here, just another Archangels win.
Game Rating: 1/6 beers
*Game Of The Week* (GOW)
#9 Tunguska Meteors (1-0) at #3 Vatican City Bishops (1-0) -
The first Zeta GOW is here and we have a great match up for it!
The Tunguska Meteors take on the Vatican City Bishops!
The Meteors have yet to be truly tested and the Bishops just beat up the Gods to get their first win.
This one will be a slugfest for sure!
What is legal? Brass knuckles, guns, nuclear missiles!
What isn’t legal? Baking brownies with three packages of Ex-Lax baked into them, then waiting for them to go drop the deuce and throwing water balloons at them while they are still shitting.
Not cool.
Magic 8 Ball says: http://av.vet.ksu.edu/flash/8ball
Question: Will the Meteors beat the Bishops?
8 Ball's answer: Without a doubt
SA's Pick: Tunguska Meteors
Magic 8 Ball Pick: Tunguska Meteors
I hate it when 8-Ball agrees with me!
29/48 beers! – 29 beers!! I think that is a new record!!
We’ve got four great match ups for you to choose from in week 2!
The GOW features the Meteors and the Bishops.
We also have the Black Hand battling the Bootleggers!
The Zabijacks versus the War Gods!
And the Reivers taking on the Pangs!
All I need to do now is find some nice, wholesome internet porn and I will never leave the basement…. I mean my room again!
Let’s do this shit!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spz8_rpE0e0
Good luck to all the Zeta teams in week 2!
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