The orchestra plays its maneuvers as the lights dim in the massive amphitheater. The assembled crowd, decked in black tie attire, filters quietly to their seats as the lights dim. Finally, in the near-blackness, a low rumbling drumroll begins, and the audience lapses into complete silence. The anticipation is palpable. Finally, the voice of an announcer, replete with gravitas, pierces the silence
Ladies and Gentlemen: Darth Pinky.
A spotlight trains on stage right, and into the light steps He Who Knows What He's Talking About, bedecked in a formal black tuxedo beneath his usual robes and pink helmet. The audience stands as one in thunderous applause. The Irresistibly Masculine one takes a couple short steps toward the edge of the stage and bows politely.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We are here in celebration of a glorious season of Dot Football, which will culminate this afternoon in simultaneous contests of bravery and brains, of intelligence and intimidation, of sinew and strategy. For our four remaining teams, this afternoon is the justification of everything that has come before; perseverance, creativity and, most of all, a whole lot of money spent on flex points.
A smattering of applause rises from the audience.
Without further ado, then, our first presenter of the evening: from the Big Monkeys, Fat Danny.
Polite applause greets the first semifinals' losing owner as he approaches the podium. The awards-show voiceover geek begins to fill in the at-home viewers on some useless stuff they already know: Fat Danny owns the team, has since expansion, likes long walks on the beach, ice cream, and puppies, and smells really, really bad.
The Rangers made it to this point by sticking to what has worked for them all season... great defense and an offensive circus that only occasionally tries to run. It almost always works. They're also really good game-planners. They are not a team devoid of star-quality players, but their style calls for the focus to be the team, not the individuals. Ladies and gentlemen, the Quiçama Park Rangers.
The lights fade again, and again the spotlight comes to Darth Pinky, this time standing stage right.
A deserved position in the conference finals, indeed. Mango Fandango and his knowledgeable, hard-working crew have to be the favorites, here. They've proven they know how to win the biggest game of all in the past, and they've made mockeries of defensive gameplans designed to stop their passing game. Your first conference finalist, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next presenter of the evening: from the Geographically Ignorant Landed Gentry, HandsAlive.
Confused applause trickles from the audience, then tapers off to silence as nobody shows up.
Well, folks, looks like the team owner has decided he has other priorities besides representing the losing side from the Elephant Conference's first semifinal game. Evidently, nobody wants to talk about their conference, even themselves. Either that, or nobody wants to say anything nice about the Tar Babies and their perfect season to date. Either way, looks like we're moving on.
Our next presenter, folks: from the Train to Nowhere, the only person I can identify from their team that actually posts on the league forum, Angry Dragon.
More polite applause as the Dragon approaches the podium.
GG Rundu Rhino Rush. You did a great job. Good luck the rest of the way. exits, stage left
Darth Pinky, whose body language looks a bit perturbed, steps back into the spotlight.
Our final presenter this evening, from the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers, CombatWombat.
CombatWombat strides to the podium, looking over his shoulder toward an unseen presence backstage. The Combat Wombats were fortunate to defeat the Ratels a hard projectile is launched in the general direction of his head at the mention of the since-deposed team, causing him to duck mid-sentence but not as fortunate against the Ashanti Empire. Unfortunately for us, we must still deal with the Ratels more debris is launched toward him from the wings next season, while it appears the Empire will move on with the Rangers to other venues next season. Congratulations, Empire. CW looks nervously off-stage, then back to Darth Pinky, then back and forth again before making a dead sprint for His Pinkness, throwing himself clutching at the feet of He Who Knows Pink, screaming/ Don't leave me! Don't leave! We need you! We love you! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo..... the screaming fades to silence as CW is dragged off-stage.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen - your four conference finalists. But as you know, only two can win. And if someone can win, should not someone, therefore, predict? Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, our final conference installement of Darth Pinky Sez!
The audience rises, as one, in a standing ovation. Finally, when the applause fades, Darth Pinky continues
Tar River Pirates vs. Rundu Rhino Rush - A fitting matchup in what will likely be the final Africa AA3 game for one of these teams. The Flush have spent three seasons getting to this point, battling higher-leveled teams before becoming favorites in their own right. The Tar Babies took one less season to reach the promised land, bringing forum loudness and overbearing overconfidence to their first AA season before deciding to back it up during this campaign. The Tar Babies have used a nasty, clamp-like defense to go with an offense that can score like a pinball machine to go undefeated coming into this game; the Flush have used a brutal running game and an equally efficient defense to take their place in this game. The first game between these teams was a nail-biting, 21-19 win for the Tar Babies. This ought to be good.
Prediction: Flush deny Tar Babies destiny
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - A rematch of the Season 6, A5 Lion conference championship game. Many of the original cast members from this time-honored classic have taken their final bows far in advance from this contest, while others of equal or better quality have taken their places. Rock Monster and his Jellystone flying circus have dismantled everything in their path so far; the Empire's cadre of blockers, The Imperial Blockade, has found ways to open lanes against nearly everyone on their way to the second-best record in the league. This is a long-running rivalry that promises to continue for seasons to come.
Prediction: You are encouraged, folks, to make your own.
There you have it, folks, the final conference episodes of Darth Pinky Sez! Come this time on June Second, Two Thousand and Nine, you will either be in awe of my prognosticating skills, or mocking me for my lack of insight.
On behalf of the entire cast and crew, thank you for your presence, have a great game, and, as always, Play Nice.
Pinky, Out!
Ladies and Gentlemen: Darth Pinky.
A spotlight trains on stage right, and into the light steps He Who Knows What He's Talking About, bedecked in a formal black tuxedo beneath his usual robes and pink helmet. The audience stands as one in thunderous applause. The Irresistibly Masculine one takes a couple short steps toward the edge of the stage and bows politely.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We are here in celebration of a glorious season of Dot Football, which will culminate this afternoon in simultaneous contests of bravery and brains, of intelligence and intimidation, of sinew and strategy. For our four remaining teams, this afternoon is the justification of everything that has come before; perseverance, creativity and, most of all, a whole lot of money spent on flex points.
A smattering of applause rises from the audience.
Without further ado, then, our first presenter of the evening: from the Big Monkeys, Fat Danny.
Polite applause greets the first semifinals' losing owner as he approaches the podium. The awards-show voiceover geek begins to fill in the at-home viewers on some useless stuff they already know: Fat Danny owns the team, has since expansion, likes long walks on the beach, ice cream, and puppies, and smells really, really bad.
The Rangers made it to this point by sticking to what has worked for them all season... great defense and an offensive circus that only occasionally tries to run. It almost always works. They're also really good game-planners. They are not a team devoid of star-quality players, but their style calls for the focus to be the team, not the individuals. Ladies and gentlemen, the Quiçama Park Rangers.
The lights fade again, and again the spotlight comes to Darth Pinky, this time standing stage right.
A deserved position in the conference finals, indeed. Mango Fandango and his knowledgeable, hard-working crew have to be the favorites, here. They've proven they know how to win the biggest game of all in the past, and they've made mockeries of defensive gameplans designed to stop their passing game. Your first conference finalist, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next presenter of the evening: from the Geographically Ignorant Landed Gentry, HandsAlive.
Confused applause trickles from the audience, then tapers off to silence as nobody shows up.
Well, folks, looks like the team owner has decided he has other priorities besides representing the losing side from the Elephant Conference's first semifinal game. Evidently, nobody wants to talk about their conference, even themselves. Either that, or nobody wants to say anything nice about the Tar Babies and their perfect season to date. Either way, looks like we're moving on.
Our next presenter, folks: from the Train to Nowhere, the only person I can identify from their team that actually posts on the league forum, Angry Dragon.
More polite applause as the Dragon approaches the podium.
GG Rundu Rhino Rush. You did a great job. Good luck the rest of the way. exits, stage left
Darth Pinky, whose body language looks a bit perturbed, steps back into the spotlight.
Our final presenter this evening, from the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers, CombatWombat.
CombatWombat strides to the podium, looking over his shoulder toward an unseen presence backstage. The Combat Wombats were fortunate to defeat the Ratels a hard projectile is launched in the general direction of his head at the mention of the since-deposed team, causing him to duck mid-sentence but not as fortunate against the Ashanti Empire. Unfortunately for us, we must still deal with the Ratels more debris is launched toward him from the wings next season, while it appears the Empire will move on with the Rangers to other venues next season. Congratulations, Empire. CW looks nervously off-stage, then back to Darth Pinky, then back and forth again before making a dead sprint for His Pinkness, throwing himself clutching at the feet of He Who Knows Pink, screaming/ Don't leave me! Don't leave! We need you! We love you! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo..... the screaming fades to silence as CW is dragged off-stage.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen - your four conference finalists. But as you know, only two can win. And if someone can win, should not someone, therefore, predict? Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, our final conference installement of Darth Pinky Sez!
The audience rises, as one, in a standing ovation. Finally, when the applause fades, Darth Pinky continues
Tar River Pirates vs. Rundu Rhino Rush - A fitting matchup in what will likely be the final Africa AA3 game for one of these teams. The Flush have spent three seasons getting to this point, battling higher-leveled teams before becoming favorites in their own right. The Tar Babies took one less season to reach the promised land, bringing forum loudness and overbearing overconfidence to their first AA season before deciding to back it up during this campaign. The Tar Babies have used a nasty, clamp-like defense to go with an offense that can score like a pinball machine to go undefeated coming into this game; the Flush have used a brutal running game and an equally efficient defense to take their place in this game. The first game between these teams was a nail-biting, 21-19 win for the Tar Babies. This ought to be good.
Prediction: Flush deny Tar Babies destiny
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - A rematch of the Season 6, A5 Lion conference championship game. Many of the original cast members from this time-honored classic have taken their final bows far in advance from this contest, while others of equal or better quality have taken their places. Rock Monster and his Jellystone flying circus have dismantled everything in their path so far; the Empire's cadre of blockers, The Imperial Blockade, has found ways to open lanes against nearly everyone on their way to the second-best record in the league. This is a long-running rivalry that promises to continue for seasons to come.
Prediction: You are encouraged, folks, to make your own.
There you have it, folks, the final conference episodes of Darth Pinky Sez! Come this time on June Second, Two Thousand and Nine, you will either be in awe of my prognosticating skills, or mocking me for my lack of insight.
On behalf of the entire cast and crew, thank you for your presence, have a great game, and, as always, Play Nice.
Pinky, Out!
