What time is it, boys and girls? That's right - it's time for Darth Pinky Sez!, the show where Darth Pinky tells you exactly how this week's worth of games will go, you complain about it, and it turns out within margin of error to be just the way he told you. So, without further ado, your host and star, unequaled in sheer masculinity, unapproachable in acumen, and most of all proud of his utter humility, Darth Pinky!
Well, here we are, boys and girls - it's playoff time already! It seems like just the day before yesterday that we were standing at the precipice of this auspicious occasion. Actually, it was just the day before yesterday. Therefore, time may not be flying, but the fur is about to in a matter of hours. Minutes, even. Some of you are, I'm sure counting the seconds. I guarantee it.
In the illustrious, proud and competitive Lion Conference, only one entry changed during Week 16 - the Dessert Carts were ousted from the playoffs by the Big Monkeys, allowing the Bad Doggies to make their entrance. Bad news for the Carts, who had to feel, after last season's 14-2 finish, that they were on the verge of something special. Good news for the Doggies, who after an 8-0 start to last season missed the playoffs themselves. Good news for everyone else as well, since the Doggies were the only team to beat the Rangers this season and will be meeting them in the first round. The best news of all is that every one of the Lion playoff teams joins the hunt on a winning note - no backing in to the playoffs here. We win. You lose. Good day, sir.
Over in the Bastard Son Conference (that's Elephant for those of you who don't speak snark), a season's battle of haves and have-nots has come to its logical conclusion. The Tar Babies sit atop the steaming heap at a tidy 16-0; for those who would like to dismiss the record and claim a superiority complex, sit the hell down and shut up, because their inter-conference win was a decisive 42-7 blitzkrieg of the Rabids. Now, we all recognize that the Rabids are like a car that has been sitting in the cold a while, and needs a moment before it gets warmed up, but let's not diminish: treating the Rabids like red-headed stepchildren isn't something that has happened in a couple seasons. Right behind them are the Rundu Flush, who somehow have spent three seasons here without me giving them a proper team nickname. Fixed. Their only blemishes on an otherwise stellar season record are a manhandling by the Jellystoners and a two-point "AAAAAAARGH" moment against the Tar Babies. Joining them in the stratosphere are the Train to Nowhere and the Geographically Confused Landed Gentry, both checking in at 13-3.
Plenty of good matchups on tap as well. Let's get going or the games will be over before I post this thing. Standard disclaimers about snarky entertainment and real predictions apply. Onward.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Namibia Wildehond - The Jellystoners are at it again - 15-1 this season and looking like the juggernaut that they always are. First up in the playoffs, however, are the Bad Doggies, the one to hang that "1" on their record. You can't even say Da Dawgs had to sneak into the playoffs, either - they went in on a winning note and have a matchup that they know they can win. Of course, "can" win and "will" win are two different things. This might be the best game of the first round.
Prediction: I just can't pick against the Jellystoners. Yet.
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - They jest about their "two offensive plays", but the Flying Snakes™ are no laughing matter. Rax™ and Radd are freaky good and even though you know what they're going to do, they still do it. Of course, in their first meeting this season, the Big Monkeys found ways to stop them from doing it often - I harass radja mowsalot on a regular basis, but he's a defensive-minded freak and the more shots he and Fat Danny take at you, the more likely they are to hit what they're shooting at.
Prediction: Big Monkeys, but not in a big way
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - The first time these two teams met, the outcome was, to say the least, unexpected. Mango Fandango called what happened to the Bloody Mess "disturbing". I called it perplexing, at least to myself. Let's see how things work out this time.
Prediction: I predict that if I ever predict my own game, someone will fall over in shock
South African Ratels vs. Combat Wombats - The Rabids are doing what they always do - making a late-season sprint as possibly the best team in the conference. They have played ridiculous run defense this season, averaging a measly 24.8 yards against per game. By contrast, their ground game churns out nearly 400. For this matchup, they get the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers, who are no slouches on the defensive side, either, posting a more-than-respectable freshman campaign in AA and gave up only 70 yards rushing/game of their own. Here comes the defensive barn-burner of the day.
Prediction: Rabids bite the Tunnelers in the butt
Tar River Pirates vs. Sahara Storm - Solid first season in AA for the former A5 Tropical Depressions, who have obviously upgraded to Heavy Turbulence in Elephant. As a reward for their hard work, they get the Tar Babies, whose defensive numbers rival the Rabids, and regardless of competition, that's sick.
Prediction: This is a more traditional 1 vs. 8 matchup; Tar Babies make the Depressions cry
New York Kingsmen vs. Ikari Warriors - The worst thing about this game is how little I know about both teams. They both won double-digit games. I can't name a single player on either roster. That's all you're going to get here.
Prediction: I predict I couldn't care less who wins, since neither will get beyond the next round. That said, Ikari is an A5 vet, so I'll go with them
Rundu Rhino Rush vs. Eazy Company Elitez - Last season I picked the Flush as the favorites in Elephant. Looks like I was off by one season and one game. The 1337z are still who they are - a decent team that would get their testicles handed to them in a juice glass in Lion. Still, they're competitive, despite the sucky team name. And you guys know I love you. Or something.
Prediction: The Flush watch the 1337z season go down the drain
Rock and Roll Express vs. Ethiopia Famine - The Train to Nowhere - that's what a "Rock and Roll Express" is, kids, it comes from nowhere and goes back there - have had a fine season that, in other campaigns, would make me jealous of their record. Thankfully, not so much this season. Ha! Dragon! Look up at my record! The Skinnies have been a solid middle-of-the-pack team since their arrival in AA - let's see if it's enough to make it out of the first round this season.
Prediction: Train to Nowhere makes like the Night Train, runs over the Skinnies
There you have it, kiddies - the opening round of the Africa AA3 playoffs, all presented for your amusement, entertainment and utter astonishment as to how I keep getting these things right. Please do not pleasure yourself in tribute to me until you are sure the cleaning lady is not making her rounds and your mom is "doing her exercises" in her room, okay? Discuss, ignore, do what you will, but just remember - as always - play nice.
Well, here we are, boys and girls - it's playoff time already! It seems like just the day before yesterday that we were standing at the precipice of this auspicious occasion. Actually, it was just the day before yesterday. Therefore, time may not be flying, but the fur is about to in a matter of hours. Minutes, even. Some of you are, I'm sure counting the seconds. I guarantee it.
In the illustrious, proud and competitive Lion Conference, only one entry changed during Week 16 - the Dessert Carts were ousted from the playoffs by the Big Monkeys, allowing the Bad Doggies to make their entrance. Bad news for the Carts, who had to feel, after last season's 14-2 finish, that they were on the verge of something special. Good news for the Doggies, who after an 8-0 start to last season missed the playoffs themselves. Good news for everyone else as well, since the Doggies were the only team to beat the Rangers this season and will be meeting them in the first round. The best news of all is that every one of the Lion playoff teams joins the hunt on a winning note - no backing in to the playoffs here. We win. You lose. Good day, sir.
Over in the Bastard Son Conference (that's Elephant for those of you who don't speak snark), a season's battle of haves and have-nots has come to its logical conclusion. The Tar Babies sit atop the steaming heap at a tidy 16-0; for those who would like to dismiss the record and claim a superiority complex, sit the hell down and shut up, because their inter-conference win was a decisive 42-7 blitzkrieg of the Rabids. Now, we all recognize that the Rabids are like a car that has been sitting in the cold a while, and needs a moment before it gets warmed up, but let's not diminish: treating the Rabids like red-headed stepchildren isn't something that has happened in a couple seasons. Right behind them are the Rundu Flush, who somehow have spent three seasons here without me giving them a proper team nickname. Fixed. Their only blemishes on an otherwise stellar season record are a manhandling by the Jellystoners and a two-point "AAAAAAARGH" moment against the Tar Babies. Joining them in the stratosphere are the Train to Nowhere and the Geographically Confused Landed Gentry, both checking in at 13-3.
Plenty of good matchups on tap as well. Let's get going or the games will be over before I post this thing. Standard disclaimers about snarky entertainment and real predictions apply. Onward.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Namibia Wildehond - The Jellystoners are at it again - 15-1 this season and looking like the juggernaut that they always are. First up in the playoffs, however, are the Bad Doggies, the one to hang that "1" on their record. You can't even say Da Dawgs had to sneak into the playoffs, either - they went in on a winning note and have a matchup that they know they can win. Of course, "can" win and "will" win are two different things. This might be the best game of the first round.
Prediction: I just can't pick against the Jellystoners. Yet.
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - They jest about their "two offensive plays", but the Flying Snakes™ are no laughing matter. Rax™ and Radd are freaky good and even though you know what they're going to do, they still do it. Of course, in their first meeting this season, the Big Monkeys found ways to stop them from doing it often - I harass radja mowsalot on a regular basis, but he's a defensive-minded freak and the more shots he and Fat Danny take at you, the more likely they are to hit what they're shooting at.
Prediction: Big Monkeys, but not in a big way
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - The first time these two teams met, the outcome was, to say the least, unexpected. Mango Fandango called what happened to the Bloody Mess "disturbing". I called it perplexing, at least to myself. Let's see how things work out this time.
Prediction: I predict that if I ever predict my own game, someone will fall over in shock
South African Ratels vs. Combat Wombats - The Rabids are doing what they always do - making a late-season sprint as possibly the best team in the conference. They have played ridiculous run defense this season, averaging a measly 24.8 yards against per game. By contrast, their ground game churns out nearly 400. For this matchup, they get the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers, who are no slouches on the defensive side, either, posting a more-than-respectable freshman campaign in AA and gave up only 70 yards rushing/game of their own. Here comes the defensive barn-burner of the day.
Prediction: Rabids bite the Tunnelers in the butt
Tar River Pirates vs. Sahara Storm - Solid first season in AA for the former A5 Tropical Depressions, who have obviously upgraded to Heavy Turbulence in Elephant. As a reward for their hard work, they get the Tar Babies, whose defensive numbers rival the Rabids, and regardless of competition, that's sick.
Prediction: This is a more traditional 1 vs. 8 matchup; Tar Babies make the Depressions cry
New York Kingsmen vs. Ikari Warriors - The worst thing about this game is how little I know about both teams. They both won double-digit games. I can't name a single player on either roster. That's all you're going to get here.
Prediction: I predict I couldn't care less who wins, since neither will get beyond the next round. That said, Ikari is an A5 vet, so I'll go with them
Rundu Rhino Rush vs. Eazy Company Elitez - Last season I picked the Flush as the favorites in Elephant. Looks like I was off by one season and one game. The 1337z are still who they are - a decent team that would get their testicles handed to them in a juice glass in Lion. Still, they're competitive, despite the sucky team name. And you guys know I love you. Or something.
Prediction: The Flush watch the 1337z season go down the drain
Rock and Roll Express vs. Ethiopia Famine - The Train to Nowhere - that's what a "Rock and Roll Express" is, kids, it comes from nowhere and goes back there - have had a fine season that, in other campaigns, would make me jealous of their record. Thankfully, not so much this season. Ha! Dragon! Look up at my record! The Skinnies have been a solid middle-of-the-pack team since their arrival in AA - let's see if it's enough to make it out of the first round this season.
Prediction: Train to Nowhere makes like the Night Train, runs over the Skinnies
There you have it, kiddies - the opening round of the Africa AA3 playoffs, all presented for your amusement, entertainment and utter astonishment as to how I keep getting these things right. Please do not pleasure yourself in tribute to me until you are sure the cleaning lady is not making her rounds and your mom is "doing her exercises" in her room, okay? Discuss, ignore, do what you will, but just remember - as always - play nice.
