Previously, on Darth Pinky Sez!:
Darth Pinky: You're a bunch of socially-unacceptable, masturbating teenagers. Quit masturbating while I do my predictions. Your mom is doing the UPS man. Ask her to help you with the big words when she's done.
Darth Pinky: You're an idiot for giving your team a geographically inaccurate location and/or mascot. Excuse me while I obsess over Da Booty's team avatar.
Darth Pinky: Elephant Conference sucks. Yes, you may worship me, I've got a minute or two to kill.
Darth Pinky: Your team is going to get waxed and I'm about to mock you for it.
And now, on with the show...
Welcome back, boys and girls! It's time for this week's episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, the show where Darth Pinky tells you how this week's contests will play out, and you stand in awe of his prescience, scathing wit and unequaled manliness. First, a disclaimer: while we're aware that simply being in his presence will induce many of you to become unable to resist your most primal urges, please be warned that whatever messes you make on your keyboards, homework or other equipment or documents in your close proximity are the sole responsibility of the masturbating juvenile in question, and that Darth Pinky will not be held liable for said messes. Nobody told you that you had to start rubbing one out in the computer lab. Although I'm sure the pimply-faced girl sitting in the next seat over is at least glad that you're not looking at those pictures of your own mom doing the rottweiler this time.
Week three already? Time really flies when you're having fun. And what, pray tell, could possibly be more fun than another week of entertaining contests in the Lion Conference? I submit that nothing even comes close - certainly not the Elephant Conference, where men are men and sheep are scared, and where only three teams remain undefeated coming into this week's games.
Compare and contrast Elephant with the esteemed Lion Conference, where a whopping seven teams sport goose eggs in the loss column. Although, this early in the season, all an undefeated record tells us is that you don't have to be the fastest guy in the group to get away from the lion, just faster than some other guy.
So, while the Elephant conference is busy being eaten by lions, Some Other Guys in the Lion conference are getting lathered up for the long run to the championship. It is here that I'm supposed to offer the Tar Babies, the New Jersey Honeydivers and the Train to Nowhere their congratulations, as they have already experienced their Super Bowl sprint in Week 1. Sprint vs. long run. Get it? No, I didn't think you would.
And I'm going to have to work on the New Jersey name. Because, you know, New York/New Jersey are cities I think about when I think "major cities in Africa", you know? At least the dearly departed cowards, our former A5 brethren the Racially Insensitive Nicknames, had the brains to locate themselves in Richards Bay, although in retrospect playing on land may have been a better idea. Not that it matters, since they went belly-up after having the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana kick their asses in more than one league. But I digress - not that this should surprise you.
And now that we've broached the topic of team names and nicknames, we come to the unresolved - dare I say, "cliff-hanger" - from Week 2: what to do about some of the new teams in the league. Yes, we've said goodbye to The Tuggers, The Woodys, the Hotheads and the Ungrateful Dead (who wussed out and quit right after the end of last season), and saw the Pop-Guns go CPU at the beginning of the season in a fit of teenage angst - long live stupid hormonal arguments. Now, we are either offering a warm "Welcome back" or are saying hello for the first time in AA to five new victi.... um... competitors. Let's give them all a round of applause.
crickets
First off let's welcome last season's A5 undefeated champion, The Skeeters. Now, they've had their nickname since their first season, in which they didn't look horrible until the games started, at which time they proved that looks were, indeed, deceiving. They've improved every season since, as evidenced by their annual game versus The Most Blessed and Favored Ashanti Empire of Ghana, where they finally kept my team below 100 points for the first time since Season 5. Again, Welcome Skeeters!
Next, let's say hello to last season's A6 champion - not undefeated - The Cow Patties. First of all, it was a little hard to track down where exactly they came from, as their competition has been distributed hither, thither and yon among the A leagues. It was especially tough since Cape Town is home to exactly zero cattle ranches, and since we can assume the team's alliterative allusion to the most hated, reviled and convict-harboring NFL franchise from Dallas is the impetus for the team name, we redouble the ridicule quotient. However, they come eager for repeated and non-lubricated ass-poundings, having so far obliged The Skeeters. Let's give a warm welcome to what might be the most accommodating new team in the conference!
Next, an old friend from the ranks of A6 who has so far chased the yo-yo in their quest for sustained mediocrity, the Central African Tabbies. Two seasons ago, I believe I referred to them as the Kitties, but that mantle was shaven last season in Comoros and since they did not relegate, the title remained occupied and unavailable for transfer. How quick I am to adapt, unlike this team. First of all, and I've raised this point before, Panthera tigris as a species is only indigenous to Asia. And, for those of you who didn't pay attention last semester in 7th grade Geography, Asia is not a country in Africa. And Africa is not a country in Asia. Therefore, except for those in zoos or otherwise liberated from private ownership, there are no tigers in Africa. But there are tabby cats. Not native either, I'm assuming. But, probably equally ferocious as this team. Welcome back, Tabbies!
Also joining us this season are the Combat Wombats. *sigh* You get two points for the clever rhyme, but lose five for the MS Paint logo - wombats have almost no tail, for one - and another two for geographic relevance since neither Australia and Tasmania are in Africa and, again for you Geography kiddies, Africa is located in neither as well. You also lose a point in that wombats, while muscular, have very short legs which limits their normal speed and mobility and another in that they possess an extraordinarily slow metabolism which causes them to literally shit bricks. In your favor, however, is the fact that the wombat's primary defense is its toughened rear hide with most of the posterior made of cartilage; when threatened, they hide in their tunnels with their butts turned directly to the attacker. Since this position will be deeply ingrained in your mascot, I am assuming it will also be preferred by your players after a few Lion encounters. Thanks for playing, Butt Tunnelers.
Finally, we have the Savannah HITCHHIKERs. First of all, as hitchhikers, do they have home games? And if so, where? Maybe they play with the R&R Express from the 'Phant with stops on The Train to Nowhere. Because either they're wandering aimlessly in a misspelled grassland, or somewhere in Georgia, or maybe looking for a porn star who may either be alive or dead. In any event, they appear confused, and in need of SOMEONE TO TELL THEM TO LAY OFF THE DAMNED CAPS LOCK. So, until we figure out where they come from, where they are headed, and why, I will refer to them in each and every defeat this season - that's going to be a lot - as the Homeless Cap-Locks. A warm welcome - maybe one of the other teams will share their lube!
Finally, a new feature on the show. This week we're adding some conference trivia:
The Lion Conference leads all of GLB in Prostetnic Vogon Jeltzes.
In honor of this prestigious distinction, I present you with the following, credited to their namesake:
Oh frettled gruntbuggly
thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!
Marvelous, marvelous.
Now, on with the main event - the Prediction Segment! A disclaimer for those of you who haven't tuned in to our previous episodes - the predictions are real, but the snark is added for entertainment purposes only. You've been warned. Onward.
Combat Wombats vs. West Nile Mosquitos - Conference noobs square off, which is odd, since the field is rectangular in shape. Maybe that's been their problems in previous seasons. This season, however, it's the least of either of their worries, which include things like game-planning for a league where more than four of the teams have winning records. Welcome to AA3 where the playas play/And we ride on them things like every day/Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta's roamin'/And parties dont stop til' eight in the mornin'
Prediction: Um... wow. I'm picking the Skeeters. I might need some Tylenol.
Cape Town Cowboys vs. Durban DesertHawks - The Dessert Carts are the final remaining team from the original AA3 who has never played a down in another league. Read into that what you want. They came awfully close to finally grabbing the golden ring last season, though, posting a 14-2 record before choking like they were auditioning for a gay amateur porn flick in the playoffs. This season they're off to an uneven start after last week's dismantling by some team with a black star on their helmets. The Cow Pies were introduced to the Lion Conference by the Skeeters and took it on the chin. Read into ~that~ what you want.
Prediction: Cow Pies step in it against unhappy Cart pushers
South African Ratels vs. Central African Tigers - The Rabids are off to their annual rotten start. 'Course, last season they got off to a really bad start that had me talking about trying to climb straight up while covered in KY jelly, and they went farther in the playoffs than I did, coming within one point of the conference championship game. The Tabbies aren't the pushovers they were the last time around in this league, but we'll see if their record holds as well as their luck has so far. Ought to be an interesting matchup.
Prediction: I'll go Rabids until the Tabbies convince me they deserve it
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - Another old A5 rivalry. The Big Monkeys made AA 2 seasons before Free Willy made the trip up, but weren't able to make that experience pay off last season as the Willys got their first-even win against them. Fat Danny's crew must have circled the wagons after last season's plummet in the standings from playoff team in Season 7 to playoff watchers in Season 8. The Monkeys have the better offense, but the Willys defense has never been a slouch; this is going to be another good game.
Prediction: Man, another pick 'em - let's give the Willys the nod here, 'cause I have to pick someone
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Djibouti Booties - Before Season 8, Da Booty looked like real playoff contenders, and then the games started. The Flying Snakes™ were playoff contenders, but had the toughest schedule in the league, taking on eight of the top nine teams in the first 10 weeks. Throw a little luck into the sim and they finish with a winning record and probably make the playoffs. Da Booty has decided to back that thing up and start over 'cause it evidently wasn't working so far. That makes the Snakes™ path to 3-0 a gimme.
Prediction: Booty Call for the Snakes™
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Quiçama Park Rangers - It's Rivalry Week™ again for these two long-time amicable adversaries. Last season these teams met twice and while the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana won the regular-season matchup, the Rangers obliterated the Empire like Luke Skywalker taking out the Death Star in the playoff game - the one that mattered. Let's assume both teams are well-prepared for this one.
Prediction: - Yeah, whatever. Make your own pick here.
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Namibia Wildehond - The two toughest teams to figure out in this league. The Bad Doggies were 8-0 last season, and then the bottom fell out. They scrambled to a 9-7 record to take the final playoff spot. They're looking for ways to make sure history won't repeat. Bloody Mess left spatters all over most of the competition last season en route to a 12-4 record and their own first-round exit. Both teams did more with lower-level talent than most of the rest of the league last season and have improved for this season.
Prediction: Another near-dead heat. Let's say the Bad Doggies just because that DJ Pad(n) stuff has always annoyed me
Comoros Lions vs. Savannah HITCHHIKERs - Leaving this one for last wasn't intentional - it's the way they appear on the conference home page - but I'm not apologizing, as the stench coming from this one is already making me woozy. The Shaven Kitties managed to tilt the scoreboard against Da Booty, while the Homeless Caps-Locks were introduced to that "grab your ankles" position last week against the Bloodies. Nobody in this match has a domed stadium, do you? I mean, that would be kind of punitive, trapping that smell in on the paying "fans".
Prediction: The Shaven Kitties grow some hair in a win
That's it for this week's episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, kids! Remember, zip up before you go to ask mommy about those big words (you know, like "episode" or "some"). Now, scenes from next week's show:
Darth Pinky: You're a bunch of socially-unacceptable, masturbating teenagers. Quit masturbating while I do my predictions. Your mom is doing the cable guy. Ask her to help you with the big words when she's done.
Darth Pinky: You're an idiot for giving your team a geographically inaccurate location and/or mascot. Excuse me while I obsess over Da Booty's team avatar.
Darth Pinky: Elephant Conference sucks. Yes, you may worship me, I've got a minute or two to kill.
Darth Pinky: Your team is going to get waxed and I'm about to mock you for it.
Don't forget to tune in!
Darth Pinky: You're a bunch of socially-unacceptable, masturbating teenagers. Quit masturbating while I do my predictions. Your mom is doing the UPS man. Ask her to help you with the big words when she's done.
Darth Pinky: You're an idiot for giving your team a geographically inaccurate location and/or mascot. Excuse me while I obsess over Da Booty's team avatar.
Darth Pinky: Elephant Conference sucks. Yes, you may worship me, I've got a minute or two to kill.
Darth Pinky: Your team is going to get waxed and I'm about to mock you for it.
And now, on with the show...
Welcome back, boys and girls! It's time for this week's episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, the show where Darth Pinky tells you how this week's contests will play out, and you stand in awe of his prescience, scathing wit and unequaled manliness. First, a disclaimer: while we're aware that simply being in his presence will induce many of you to become unable to resist your most primal urges, please be warned that whatever messes you make on your keyboards, homework or other equipment or documents in your close proximity are the sole responsibility of the masturbating juvenile in question, and that Darth Pinky will not be held liable for said messes. Nobody told you that you had to start rubbing one out in the computer lab. Although I'm sure the pimply-faced girl sitting in the next seat over is at least glad that you're not looking at those pictures of your own mom doing the rottweiler this time.
Week three already? Time really flies when you're having fun. And what, pray tell, could possibly be more fun than another week of entertaining contests in the Lion Conference? I submit that nothing even comes close - certainly not the Elephant Conference, where men are men and sheep are scared, and where only three teams remain undefeated coming into this week's games.
Compare and contrast Elephant with the esteemed Lion Conference, where a whopping seven teams sport goose eggs in the loss column. Although, this early in the season, all an undefeated record tells us is that you don't have to be the fastest guy in the group to get away from the lion, just faster than some other guy.
So, while the Elephant conference is busy being eaten by lions, Some Other Guys in the Lion conference are getting lathered up for the long run to the championship. It is here that I'm supposed to offer the Tar Babies, the New Jersey Honeydivers and the Train to Nowhere their congratulations, as they have already experienced their Super Bowl sprint in Week 1. Sprint vs. long run. Get it? No, I didn't think you would.
And I'm going to have to work on the New Jersey name. Because, you know, New York/New Jersey are cities I think about when I think "major cities in Africa", you know? At least the dearly departed cowards, our former A5 brethren the Racially Insensitive Nicknames, had the brains to locate themselves in Richards Bay, although in retrospect playing on land may have been a better idea. Not that it matters, since they went belly-up after having the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana kick their asses in more than one league. But I digress - not that this should surprise you.
And now that we've broached the topic of team names and nicknames, we come to the unresolved - dare I say, "cliff-hanger" - from Week 2: what to do about some of the new teams in the league. Yes, we've said goodbye to The Tuggers, The Woodys, the Hotheads and the Ungrateful Dead (who wussed out and quit right after the end of last season), and saw the Pop-Guns go CPU at the beginning of the season in a fit of teenage angst - long live stupid hormonal arguments. Now, we are either offering a warm "Welcome back" or are saying hello for the first time in AA to five new victi.... um... competitors. Let's give them all a round of applause.
crickets
First off let's welcome last season's A5 undefeated champion, The Skeeters. Now, they've had their nickname since their first season, in which they didn't look horrible until the games started, at which time they proved that looks were, indeed, deceiving. They've improved every season since, as evidenced by their annual game versus The Most Blessed and Favored Ashanti Empire of Ghana, where they finally kept my team below 100 points for the first time since Season 5. Again, Welcome Skeeters!
Next, let's say hello to last season's A6 champion - not undefeated - The Cow Patties. First of all, it was a little hard to track down where exactly they came from, as their competition has been distributed hither, thither and yon among the A leagues. It was especially tough since Cape Town is home to exactly zero cattle ranches, and since we can assume the team's alliterative allusion to the most hated, reviled and convict-harboring NFL franchise from Dallas is the impetus for the team name, we redouble the ridicule quotient. However, they come eager for repeated and non-lubricated ass-poundings, having so far obliged The Skeeters. Let's give a warm welcome to what might be the most accommodating new team in the conference!
Next, an old friend from the ranks of A6 who has so far chased the yo-yo in their quest for sustained mediocrity, the Central African Tabbies. Two seasons ago, I believe I referred to them as the Kitties, but that mantle was shaven last season in Comoros and since they did not relegate, the title remained occupied and unavailable for transfer. How quick I am to adapt, unlike this team. First of all, and I've raised this point before, Panthera tigris as a species is only indigenous to Asia. And, for those of you who didn't pay attention last semester in 7th grade Geography, Asia is not a country in Africa. And Africa is not a country in Asia. Therefore, except for those in zoos or otherwise liberated from private ownership, there are no tigers in Africa. But there are tabby cats. Not native either, I'm assuming. But, probably equally ferocious as this team. Welcome back, Tabbies!
Also joining us this season are the Combat Wombats. *sigh* You get two points for the clever rhyme, but lose five for the MS Paint logo - wombats have almost no tail, for one - and another two for geographic relevance since neither Australia and Tasmania are in Africa and, again for you Geography kiddies, Africa is located in neither as well. You also lose a point in that wombats, while muscular, have very short legs which limits their normal speed and mobility and another in that they possess an extraordinarily slow metabolism which causes them to literally shit bricks. In your favor, however, is the fact that the wombat's primary defense is its toughened rear hide with most of the posterior made of cartilage; when threatened, they hide in their tunnels with their butts turned directly to the attacker. Since this position will be deeply ingrained in your mascot, I am assuming it will also be preferred by your players after a few Lion encounters. Thanks for playing, Butt Tunnelers.
Finally, we have the Savannah HITCHHIKERs. First of all, as hitchhikers, do they have home games? And if so, where? Maybe they play with the R&R Express from the 'Phant with stops on The Train to Nowhere. Because either they're wandering aimlessly in a misspelled grassland, or somewhere in Georgia, or maybe looking for a porn star who may either be alive or dead. In any event, they appear confused, and in need of SOMEONE TO TELL THEM TO LAY OFF THE DAMNED CAPS LOCK. So, until we figure out where they come from, where they are headed, and why, I will refer to them in each and every defeat this season - that's going to be a lot - as the Homeless Cap-Locks. A warm welcome - maybe one of the other teams will share their lube!
Finally, a new feature on the show. This week we're adding some conference trivia:
The Lion Conference leads all of GLB in Prostetnic Vogon Jeltzes.
In honor of this prestigious distinction, I present you with the following, credited to their namesake:
Oh frettled gruntbuggly
thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!
Marvelous, marvelous.
Now, on with the main event - the Prediction Segment! A disclaimer for those of you who haven't tuned in to our previous episodes - the predictions are real, but the snark is added for entertainment purposes only. You've been warned. Onward.
Combat Wombats vs. West Nile Mosquitos - Conference noobs square off, which is odd, since the field is rectangular in shape. Maybe that's been their problems in previous seasons. This season, however, it's the least of either of their worries, which include things like game-planning for a league where more than four of the teams have winning records. Welcome to AA3 where the playas play/And we ride on them things like every day/Big beats, hit streets, see gangsta's roamin'/And parties dont stop til' eight in the mornin'
Prediction: Um... wow. I'm picking the Skeeters. I might need some Tylenol.
Cape Town Cowboys vs. Durban DesertHawks - The Dessert Carts are the final remaining team from the original AA3 who has never played a down in another league. Read into that what you want. They came awfully close to finally grabbing the golden ring last season, though, posting a 14-2 record before choking like they were auditioning for a gay amateur porn flick in the playoffs. This season they're off to an uneven start after last week's dismantling by some team with a black star on their helmets. The Cow Pies were introduced to the Lion Conference by the Skeeters and took it on the chin. Read into ~that~ what you want.
Prediction: Cow Pies step in it against unhappy Cart pushers
South African Ratels vs. Central African Tigers - The Rabids are off to their annual rotten start. 'Course, last season they got off to a really bad start that had me talking about trying to climb straight up while covered in KY jelly, and they went farther in the playoffs than I did, coming within one point of the conference championship game. The Tabbies aren't the pushovers they were the last time around in this league, but we'll see if their record holds as well as their luck has so far. Ought to be an interesting matchup.
Prediction: I'll go Rabids until the Tabbies convince me they deserve it
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - Another old A5 rivalry. The Big Monkeys made AA 2 seasons before Free Willy made the trip up, but weren't able to make that experience pay off last season as the Willys got their first-even win against them. Fat Danny's crew must have circled the wagons after last season's plummet in the standings from playoff team in Season 7 to playoff watchers in Season 8. The Monkeys have the better offense, but the Willys defense has never been a slouch; this is going to be another good game.
Prediction: Man, another pick 'em - let's give the Willys the nod here, 'cause I have to pick someone
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Djibouti Booties - Before Season 8, Da Booty looked like real playoff contenders, and then the games started. The Flying Snakes™ were playoff contenders, but had the toughest schedule in the league, taking on eight of the top nine teams in the first 10 weeks. Throw a little luck into the sim and they finish with a winning record and probably make the playoffs. Da Booty has decided to back that thing up and start over 'cause it evidently wasn't working so far. That makes the Snakes™ path to 3-0 a gimme.
Prediction: Booty Call for the Snakes™
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Quiçama Park Rangers - It's Rivalry Week™ again for these two long-time amicable adversaries. Last season these teams met twice and while the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana won the regular-season matchup, the Rangers obliterated the Empire like Luke Skywalker taking out the Death Star in the playoff game - the one that mattered. Let's assume both teams are well-prepared for this one.
Prediction: - Yeah, whatever. Make your own pick here.
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Namibia Wildehond - The two toughest teams to figure out in this league. The Bad Doggies were 8-0 last season, and then the bottom fell out. They scrambled to a 9-7 record to take the final playoff spot. They're looking for ways to make sure history won't repeat. Bloody Mess left spatters all over most of the competition last season en route to a 12-4 record and their own first-round exit. Both teams did more with lower-level talent than most of the rest of the league last season and have improved for this season.
Prediction: Another near-dead heat. Let's say the Bad Doggies just because that DJ Pad(n) stuff has always annoyed me
Comoros Lions vs. Savannah HITCHHIKERs - Leaving this one for last wasn't intentional - it's the way they appear on the conference home page - but I'm not apologizing, as the stench coming from this one is already making me woozy. The Shaven Kitties managed to tilt the scoreboard against Da Booty, while the Homeless Caps-Locks were introduced to that "grab your ankles" position last week against the Bloodies. Nobody in this match has a domed stadium, do you? I mean, that would be kind of punitive, trapping that smell in on the paying "fans".
Prediction: The Shaven Kitties grow some hair in a win
That's it for this week's episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, kids! Remember, zip up before you go to ask mommy about those big words (you know, like "episode" or "some"). Now, scenes from next week's show:
Darth Pinky: You're a bunch of socially-unacceptable, masturbating teenagers. Quit masturbating while I do my predictions. Your mom is doing the cable guy. Ask her to help you with the big words when she's done.
Darth Pinky: You're an idiot for giving your team a geographically inaccurate location and/or mascot. Excuse me while I obsess over Da Booty's team avatar.
Darth Pinky: Elephant Conference sucks. Yes, you may worship me, I've got a minute or two to kill.
Darth Pinky: Your team is going to get waxed and I'm about to mock you for it.
Don't forget to tune in!
