Here on The Only Station Available to Members of the Africa AA#3 Conference, we have exciting programming news! Back for another season, by popular demand, it's Darth Pinky Sez! That's right, sports fans, buckle up for another season of stinging commentary and shameless abuse of metaphors, similes and a smattering of derision and invective regarding the Elephant Conference! And while we understand that there may be some of you who are unfamiliar with our show and those that may become annoyed that their beloved Elephant does not have its own show, management would like to take this opportunity to relay the following message:
"I don't care."
So now, with no further ado - because it would be much ado about nothing, I give you the host and star of our show, the insightful, the astute, humble and always right on the money Darth Pinky!
The audience rises, as one, in thunderous applause. Grown men weep; some doff caps adorned with his visage on the brow. Hot MILF mamis throw panties and paper airplanes with their phone numbers printed inside. Teenage girls scream in hormonal delight, while three or four of the more forward-thinking in the crowd scramble toward the security entrance, IDs - fake or otherwise - in hand, hoping to be one of the lucky few that will be ushered backstage to meet with His Pinkness after the show. As always, many members of each team from the Lion Conference are in attendance, hoping to be mentioned by name by He Who Calls It Like He Sees It.
What a great audience - thanks folks, and welcome to Darth Pinky Sez! Due to unforeseen circumstances, such as the writer having a life this past weekend, there was no inter-conference show for us to present. Loud boos resonate from the audience I know, folks, but we both know that repeats from last season are much more entertaining than anything else you could have watched, so we know that you probably dug up one of the episodes from last season to tide yourselves over. And I can see by the stains on the fronts of the pants of you guys between the ages of 23 and 26 that you've definitely been going through past episodes of my show. Easy, boys... I am ~not~ responsible for chafing when you don't use the proper lube.
Now, let's talk about this week's show. Every off-season, teams promote and relegate and we're faced with a dilemma here at Darth Pinky Says! - no, it's not game-planning for new teams, it's coming up with appropriate nicknames and reasons for ridiculing the names and/or mascots of some of these teams. For example, "Combat Wombats" - let's be honest, it's almost as if they knew they'd be dropping into my neighborhood and came ~asking~ for a verbal ass-kicking. And back from their exile to A ball last season are the Central African Tigers. Now, those of you who remember how many tigers there are in Africa, please raise your hand. Anyone? Anybody? Bueller? That's right, kids, NONE! Tigers are as native to Africa as, say, the Wombat.
Moving on. We're under the gun on time tonight, so we'll get right to the prediction segment. Lots of good games on the docket today - but then, it's the Lion Conference, and there's always good games on the docket.
Durban DesertHawks vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Both teams have their sights set on the big prize at the end of the season - too bad this one isn't going to be played toward the end of the season. Make your own prediction here.
West Nile Mosquitos vs. Cape Town Cowboys - The Skeeters make their triumphal entry into the land of good teams, joining their A5 bretheren in the big boys' league. Let's see how they hold up against teams of their own vintage. The Cape Town Cowpokes are also newcomers to the league - this game should tell us a lot about these two.
Prediction: Looks like the Skeeters have an edge. Robbins has to be hoping they aren't ready to be swatted.
South African Ratels vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - Another early matchup between serious playoff contenders. The Flying Snakes™ had the unfortunate fate of receiving the toughest opening-season schedule in Lion last season, and paid for it with some tough losses. The Rabids endured a bit of the same to open the season but came on strong, reaching the playoffs and making a strong run before finally bowing out. The Marine has to be licking his chops at a chance to get to the title game. This should be a monumental tilt.
Prediction: Flying Snakes™ fly over the Rabids, but it's going to be close.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - An old rivalry raises its head in this one. The Jellystoners have already had their chance to drink from the cup in their sophomore season, while the Big Monkeys are looking for their chance. Once upon a time, teams like the Alexandria Really Goods and the Mozambique Chefs stood in the way of each, but those teams have gone the way of the dinosaur. Fortunately for us all, both Fat Danny and Mango Fandango are both too stubborn and honestly too ugly to quit, so here they are ready to slug it out. They usually put up "instant classics" when they meet - I suspect this season will be no different.
Prediction: Jellystoners crank up that passing game and crank themselves over the Monkeys
Djibouti Booties vs. Comoros Lions - Last season was not pretty for either of these teams, and Da Booty threw in the towel and started over right after rollover. This will give the Shaven Kitties a good stat-padder.
Prediction: This game is the Cat's Meow
Savannah HITCHHIKERs vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - The Bloody Mess bloodied up everyone else last season en route to the playoffs. Welcome Savannah - soon you'll have your own nickname and feel good about yourself. And I think it's going to take that nickname to do it, too, 'cause the outcome of this game probably won't.
Prediction: Bloody Mess bloodies up the Savannah Gang like a scene from the Hitchhiker movie
Namibia Wildehond vs. Combat Wombats - Ask the Bad Doggies whether they'd rather start fast or finish strong. Then ask them what happened last season. Then offer them a tissue. The Fightin' Marsupials come into the league with a strong roster and hopes for a playoff spot. Let's see what happens here - this looks like a pretty even matchup.
Prediction: I'll give the Bad Doggies today's pick just 'cause I'm that kind of guy
Central African Tigers vs. Comoros Killer Whales - Free Willy had a rough go last season in their opening AA campaign, but their defense looked like it belonged most of the time. The Tabbies didn't fare well their first time around the AA block; let's see how a season of down-and-back treats them. The scouting bars look favorable, but the Willys defense always proves the only bars you can count on have topless waitresses.
Prediction: Almost a pick-em, but I'll go with the Tabbies until Free Willy proves me wrong
That's it for your inaugural Darth Pinky Sez! episode this season, kids! Tune in next time when we unveil at least two new nicknames!
"I don't care."
So now, with no further ado - because it would be much ado about nothing, I give you the host and star of our show, the insightful, the astute, humble and always right on the money Darth Pinky!
The audience rises, as one, in thunderous applause. Grown men weep; some doff caps adorned with his visage on the brow. Hot MILF mamis throw panties and paper airplanes with their phone numbers printed inside. Teenage girls scream in hormonal delight, while three or four of the more forward-thinking in the crowd scramble toward the security entrance, IDs - fake or otherwise - in hand, hoping to be one of the lucky few that will be ushered backstage to meet with His Pinkness after the show. As always, many members of each team from the Lion Conference are in attendance, hoping to be mentioned by name by He Who Calls It Like He Sees It.
What a great audience - thanks folks, and welcome to Darth Pinky Sez! Due to unforeseen circumstances, such as the writer having a life this past weekend, there was no inter-conference show for us to present. Loud boos resonate from the audience I know, folks, but we both know that repeats from last season are much more entertaining than anything else you could have watched, so we know that you probably dug up one of the episodes from last season to tide yourselves over. And I can see by the stains on the fronts of the pants of you guys between the ages of 23 and 26 that you've definitely been going through past episodes of my show. Easy, boys... I am ~not~ responsible for chafing when you don't use the proper lube.
Now, let's talk about this week's show. Every off-season, teams promote and relegate and we're faced with a dilemma here at Darth Pinky Says! - no, it's not game-planning for new teams, it's coming up with appropriate nicknames and reasons for ridiculing the names and/or mascots of some of these teams. For example, "Combat Wombats" - let's be honest, it's almost as if they knew they'd be dropping into my neighborhood and came ~asking~ for a verbal ass-kicking. And back from their exile to A ball last season are the Central African Tigers. Now, those of you who remember how many tigers there are in Africa, please raise your hand. Anyone? Anybody? Bueller? That's right, kids, NONE! Tigers are as native to Africa as, say, the Wombat.
Moving on. We're under the gun on time tonight, so we'll get right to the prediction segment. Lots of good games on the docket today - but then, it's the Lion Conference, and there's always good games on the docket.
Durban DesertHawks vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Both teams have their sights set on the big prize at the end of the season - too bad this one isn't going to be played toward the end of the season. Make your own prediction here.
West Nile Mosquitos vs. Cape Town Cowboys - The Skeeters make their triumphal entry into the land of good teams, joining their A5 bretheren in the big boys' league. Let's see how they hold up against teams of their own vintage. The Cape Town Cowpokes are also newcomers to the league - this game should tell us a lot about these two.
Prediction: Looks like the Skeeters have an edge. Robbins has to be hoping they aren't ready to be swatted.
South African Ratels vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - Another early matchup between serious playoff contenders. The Flying Snakes™ had the unfortunate fate of receiving the toughest opening-season schedule in Lion last season, and paid for it with some tough losses. The Rabids endured a bit of the same to open the season but came on strong, reaching the playoffs and making a strong run before finally bowing out. The Marine has to be licking his chops at a chance to get to the title game. This should be a monumental tilt.
Prediction: Flying Snakes™ fly over the Rabids, but it's going to be close.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - An old rivalry raises its head in this one. The Jellystoners have already had their chance to drink from the cup in their sophomore season, while the Big Monkeys are looking for their chance. Once upon a time, teams like the Alexandria Really Goods and the Mozambique Chefs stood in the way of each, but those teams have gone the way of the dinosaur. Fortunately for us all, both Fat Danny and Mango Fandango are both too stubborn and honestly too ugly to quit, so here they are ready to slug it out. They usually put up "instant classics" when they meet - I suspect this season will be no different.
Prediction: Jellystoners crank up that passing game and crank themselves over the Monkeys
Djibouti Booties vs. Comoros Lions - Last season was not pretty for either of these teams, and Da Booty threw in the towel and started over right after rollover. This will give the Shaven Kitties a good stat-padder.
Prediction: This game is the Cat's Meow
Savannah HITCHHIKERs vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - The Bloody Mess bloodied up everyone else last season en route to the playoffs. Welcome Savannah - soon you'll have your own nickname and feel good about yourself. And I think it's going to take that nickname to do it, too, 'cause the outcome of this game probably won't.
Prediction: Bloody Mess bloodies up the Savannah Gang like a scene from the Hitchhiker movie
Namibia Wildehond vs. Combat Wombats - Ask the Bad Doggies whether they'd rather start fast or finish strong. Then ask them what happened last season. Then offer them a tissue. The Fightin' Marsupials come into the league with a strong roster and hopes for a playoff spot. Let's see what happens here - this looks like a pretty even matchup.
Prediction: I'll give the Bad Doggies today's pick just 'cause I'm that kind of guy
Central African Tigers vs. Comoros Killer Whales - Free Willy had a rough go last season in their opening AA campaign, but their defense looked like it belonged most of the time. The Tabbies didn't fare well their first time around the AA block; let's see how a season of down-and-back treats them. The scouting bars look favorable, but the Willys defense always proves the only bars you can count on have topless waitresses.
Prediction: Almost a pick-em, but I'll go with the Tabbies until Free Willy proves me wrong
That's it for your inaugural Darth Pinky Sez! episode this season, kids! Tune in next time when we unveil at least two new nicknames!
