Warning: depending on how my writer's block has cleared, this could be very unentertaining.
So, here we are, about to start Week 5 games in the venerable Lion Conference. What did the past week of games tell us? Well... not much, really. I mean, just about anybody can go undefeated for a few games in a row to start a season - my own Minnesota Golden Gophers seem to do it every season, and then, sure as death, taxes, suckification by the Elephant Conference and teenage douchebaggery on GLB forums, they wind up at the ass-end of the Big 10 by about Week 9. And, in keeping with his Minnesota ties, Aenigma saw his Flying Snakes™ get off to a flying start last season, only to wind up fighting for his playoff spot. Likewise, Fat Danny's Big Monkeys went 4-0 to start the season before finishing in the fifth playoff spot. In other words, you haven't closed the deal just because you saw her buying condoms.
The good news in all this belongs to teams like Da Booty, the Rabids and Free Willy, who are off to rugged starts after competitive games in the season's opening few stanzas. Less good news awaits teams like my own Ghana Ashanti Empire, who will enter a seven-game stretch that rivals Lion in Africa A Season 5, otherwise known as The Single Toughest Expansion Conference Ever Assembled To Our Collective Knowledge. Over the next seven, the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana will play, in order, the Wildehond, Silverbacks, DesertHawks, Lumberjacks, Fever, Rangers and Blood Diamonds. That, my friends, is what we in the old A5 Lion used to call "The Gauntlet". Every team here gets their own version of the same, although some not quite as long -some will have two gauntlets of lesser length that will include the Killer Whales, Serpent Eagles, Ratles and the Booties, . This is how GLB SHOULD be - every game should matter, every outcome should have the spectre of doubt, and every matchup should have an impact on the final standings.
Lots of good games on the docket this week, so, you masturbating monkeys and drooling degenerates, strap yourselves in - no, I didn't say take the strap-on Aaron, although if that's your thing, whatever, I just don't need to know about it - and listen as Darth Pinky tells you how it is. As always, the snarkiness is for your entertainment only but the predictions are real.
Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Zambia Zombies - Whack, whack, whack go the Woodys as they continue to hit everything laid in front of them. Kids, amaze your friends and impress your mommy by finding all the double entendres in that sentence! Now, the Ungrateful Dead are not a bad team, but not quite on par with the Gauntlet Twelve, a fact that the Woodys plan on driving home during this game. Shooter eats pieces of crap like this for breakfast and Tecmo Bo likes to think he makes the competition look like the old Mattel Electronic Football from the 70s (http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-9913124-1.html - I owned on Pro mode, BTW). The Dead should just treat this as another marker on the road map for Season 9 - what to do and what to improve. God, that felt too nice. I'll fix it in following predictions.
Prediction: Woodys keep it hard for the Ungrateful Dead
Durban DesertHawks vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - What's that little tinkling bell you hear? Why, it's the Dessert Carts coming to offer their goodies as they start their own four-game Gauntlet. Despite their matching green crests, these are not birds of a feather. The Tasty Treats are high flyers, ranking second in the conference in passing offense and first in teams that have played fewest cupcakes, while the Screeching Worm Eaters (see, Aenigma, I know what kind of bird it is) get their head of steam up on the ground. Both like to hang their hats on defense and pressure the QB, although early returns suggest that Travian has been Bortnerfed into mortality with the rest of us. Entertaining matchup, one of several on tap.
Prediction: Dessert Carts roll over the Snakes™
Gabon Glocks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - once upon a time this was a good matchup. Like, before the CPUs became the stat-padding anal warts that they are. Come 'n' get some stats, Free Willy.
Prediction: Free Willy. Duh.
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Djibouti Booties - It's a short hop from a nice booty to a fat ass, and Da Booty are in danger of making the slide. Still, their two losses were by a combined 13 points, and that includes an 11-point Doggy Style loss. The schedule doesn't get any kinder with a trip to the Big Monkey house, either. Still, like a true devotee of the backside block and tackle, I can't shake the idea that Da Booty appears hot from a lot of angles. Fat Danny and his family of knuckle-walkers bring more to the table than flinging poo - last season's Top 5 finish was no mirage in the mist. Wow, that was lame. Let's move on.
Prediction: Big Monkeys hit Da Booty with a big handful
African Fever vs. South African Ratels - If the Rabids hadn't been roadkilled twice already by Big'N'Tasty and the Woodys in the second and third game of their own seven-game Gauntlet, this would be the Game of the Week. The Fightin' Varmints are a seriously nasty squad and the Marine loves his shock-and-awe ground campaigns. The Hotheads continue to impress, however, with a defense that is nasty as ever and an offense that can roll when it gets up steam. They put up matching wins vs. the Jellystoners and the Bloody Mess sandwiched between their oh-so-soft-and-creamy first and fourth wins. And the best thing about this game is that the last time these two games played, it turned into a massive bitch-and-moan-fest over the winning team's tactics. I am so far disappointed at the lack of douchebaggery between tbrew and the jarhead. I was kind of looking forward to a popcorn moment or two.
Prediction: Man, I want to say that the Rabids tell the Hotheads to toss their salad, but I just can't - prove me wrong, Marine
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Comoros Lions - The Big Hair Kitties are not a bad club; they just seem a bit outmatched at this level of play. That's nothing to be embarrassed about; rather, it means they'd probably be right at home in the Elephant Conference. You're simply cursed by birthright, oh Cats with Mullets. The Jellystoners are off to a so-so start this season with another tough opening schedule, something they've avoided only once in their existence, to my enormous and never-ending chagrin and envy. They always right the ship, though, playing stronger as seasons progress. I'd lay money on "stronger" starting today.
Prediction: Jellystoners trim more than just the Kitties' bangs
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Pullman Sinsations - Like the Bad Hair Day Cats, the Tuggers are in the wrong conference. The bad news for them is that they started out in the right one and were screwed by an advanced promotion change, nobody gave them any lube, and they've been in a world of hurt ever since. Even oh-so-hot Agent 99 is starting to look a little wrecked, and that takes enough doing to warrant mention. The Bloody Mess continues to outperform the scouting system game in and game out, led by that stingy defense that's giving up less than 21 a game. They came out of their own four-game early-season Lion gauntlet at 2-2, were better than competitive in both contests, and have to be a dark horse for this season if they can manage to start scoring against the other top defenses in the conference. Holy crap, maw, Darth Pinky jest posteded sum real-life honest to dag-gum goodness GLB scouting info in a perdicshun! Do we need to tell someone in charge?
Prediction: The Bloody Mess gets bloody with the Tuggers
Namibia Wildehond vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick here.
There you have it, Lion Faithful and Elephant Gawking Onlookers, your Week 4 results from top to bottom, tied up in a pretty pink bow like they one you like to wear from your little sister's collection when you think nobody's home and you put on Mommy's old prom dress and her new thong underwear and dance around like a pretty pretty princess while watching yourself bounce up and down in the full-length mirror in her room.
Play nice.
So, here we are, about to start Week 5 games in the venerable Lion Conference. What did the past week of games tell us? Well... not much, really. I mean, just about anybody can go undefeated for a few games in a row to start a season - my own Minnesota Golden Gophers seem to do it every season, and then, sure as death, taxes, suckification by the Elephant Conference and teenage douchebaggery on GLB forums, they wind up at the ass-end of the Big 10 by about Week 9. And, in keeping with his Minnesota ties, Aenigma saw his Flying Snakes™ get off to a flying start last season, only to wind up fighting for his playoff spot. Likewise, Fat Danny's Big Monkeys went 4-0 to start the season before finishing in the fifth playoff spot. In other words, you haven't closed the deal just because you saw her buying condoms.
The good news in all this belongs to teams like Da Booty, the Rabids and Free Willy, who are off to rugged starts after competitive games in the season's opening few stanzas. Less good news awaits teams like my own Ghana Ashanti Empire, who will enter a seven-game stretch that rivals Lion in Africa A Season 5, otherwise known as The Single Toughest Expansion Conference Ever Assembled To Our Collective Knowledge. Over the next seven, the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana will play, in order, the Wildehond, Silverbacks, DesertHawks, Lumberjacks, Fever, Rangers and Blood Diamonds. That, my friends, is what we in the old A5 Lion used to call "The Gauntlet". Every team here gets their own version of the same, although some not quite as long -some will have two gauntlets of lesser length that will include the Killer Whales, Serpent Eagles, Ratles and the Booties, . This is how GLB SHOULD be - every game should matter, every outcome should have the spectre of doubt, and every matchup should have an impact on the final standings.
Lots of good games on the docket this week, so, you masturbating monkeys and drooling degenerates, strap yourselves in - no, I didn't say take the strap-on Aaron, although if that's your thing, whatever, I just don't need to know about it - and listen as Darth Pinky tells you how it is. As always, the snarkiness is for your entertainment only but the predictions are real.
Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Zambia Zombies - Whack, whack, whack go the Woodys as they continue to hit everything laid in front of them. Kids, amaze your friends and impress your mommy by finding all the double entendres in that sentence! Now, the Ungrateful Dead are not a bad team, but not quite on par with the Gauntlet Twelve, a fact that the Woodys plan on driving home during this game. Shooter eats pieces of crap like this for breakfast and Tecmo Bo likes to think he makes the competition look like the old Mattel Electronic Football from the 70s (http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-9913124-1.html - I owned on Pro mode, BTW). The Dead should just treat this as another marker on the road map for Season 9 - what to do and what to improve. God, that felt too nice. I'll fix it in following predictions.
Prediction: Woodys keep it hard for the Ungrateful Dead
Durban DesertHawks vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - What's that little tinkling bell you hear? Why, it's the Dessert Carts coming to offer their goodies as they start their own four-game Gauntlet. Despite their matching green crests, these are not birds of a feather. The Tasty Treats are high flyers, ranking second in the conference in passing offense and first in teams that have played fewest cupcakes, while the Screeching Worm Eaters (see, Aenigma, I know what kind of bird it is) get their head of steam up on the ground. Both like to hang their hats on defense and pressure the QB, although early returns suggest that Travian has been Bortnerfed into mortality with the rest of us. Entertaining matchup, one of several on tap.
Prediction: Dessert Carts roll over the Snakes™
Gabon Glocks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - once upon a time this was a good matchup. Like, before the CPUs became the stat-padding anal warts that they are. Come 'n' get some stats, Free Willy.
Prediction: Free Willy. Duh.
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Djibouti Booties - It's a short hop from a nice booty to a fat ass, and Da Booty are in danger of making the slide. Still, their two losses were by a combined 13 points, and that includes an 11-point Doggy Style loss. The schedule doesn't get any kinder with a trip to the Big Monkey house, either. Still, like a true devotee of the backside block and tackle, I can't shake the idea that Da Booty appears hot from a lot of angles. Fat Danny and his family of knuckle-walkers bring more to the table than flinging poo - last season's Top 5 finish was no mirage in the mist. Wow, that was lame. Let's move on.
Prediction: Big Monkeys hit Da Booty with a big handful
African Fever vs. South African Ratels - If the Rabids hadn't been roadkilled twice already by Big'N'Tasty and the Woodys in the second and third game of their own seven-game Gauntlet, this would be the Game of the Week. The Fightin' Varmints are a seriously nasty squad and the Marine loves his shock-and-awe ground campaigns. The Hotheads continue to impress, however, with a defense that is nasty as ever and an offense that can roll when it gets up steam. They put up matching wins vs. the Jellystoners and the Bloody Mess sandwiched between their oh-so-soft-and-creamy first and fourth wins. And the best thing about this game is that the last time these two games played, it turned into a massive bitch-and-moan-fest over the winning team's tactics. I am so far disappointed at the lack of douchebaggery between tbrew and the jarhead. I was kind of looking forward to a popcorn moment or two.
Prediction: Man, I want to say that the Rabids tell the Hotheads to toss their salad, but I just can't - prove me wrong, Marine
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Comoros Lions - The Big Hair Kitties are not a bad club; they just seem a bit outmatched at this level of play. That's nothing to be embarrassed about; rather, it means they'd probably be right at home in the Elephant Conference. You're simply cursed by birthright, oh Cats with Mullets. The Jellystoners are off to a so-so start this season with another tough opening schedule, something they've avoided only once in their existence, to my enormous and never-ending chagrin and envy. They always right the ship, though, playing stronger as seasons progress. I'd lay money on "stronger" starting today.
Prediction: Jellystoners trim more than just the Kitties' bangs
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Pullman Sinsations - Like the Bad Hair Day Cats, the Tuggers are in the wrong conference. The bad news for them is that they started out in the right one and were screwed by an advanced promotion change, nobody gave them any lube, and they've been in a world of hurt ever since. Even oh-so-hot Agent 99 is starting to look a little wrecked, and that takes enough doing to warrant mention. The Bloody Mess continues to outperform the scouting system game in and game out, led by that stingy defense that's giving up less than 21 a game. They came out of their own four-game early-season Lion gauntlet at 2-2, were better than competitive in both contests, and have to be a dark horse for this season if they can manage to start scoring against the other top defenses in the conference. Holy crap, maw, Darth Pinky jest posteded sum real-life honest to dag-gum goodness GLB scouting info in a perdicshun! Do we need to tell someone in charge?
Prediction: The Bloody Mess gets bloody with the Tuggers
Namibia Wildehond vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick here.
There you have it, Lion Faithful and Elephant Gawking Onlookers, your Week 4 results from top to bottom, tied up in a pretty pink bow like they one you like to wear from your little sister's collection when you think nobody's home and you put on Mommy's old prom dress and her new thong underwear and dance around like a pretty pretty princess while watching yourself bounce up and down in the full-length mirror in her room.
Play nice.
