Welcome back, kiddies, to another installment of Uncle Darth Tells You How Things Are Going To Happen!
When last we left our heroes, the Wood Choppers were chopping down the competition with impunity, while the competition was working hard to keep pace. After the Week One Slaughter of the Innocents (Lion-Elephant interconference matchups), there were a good dozen pretenders to the title throne, all standing loud and proud and mentally masturbating themselves over their undefeatedness. At the end of Week 2, the story changed a little bit - the CPUs and slow builds started to pop up, the undefeated list shrank, and the Choppers got away with a less-than-overpowering win. By the end of Week 3, though, the list of teams matching pace with the lead dog had shrank considerably; only four other teams were left unscathed, racing at the heels of the Team With The Target On Their Back like a gaggle of hanger-on popular girls clutching cluelessly to the prom queen on her way to have the crown surgically implanted on her skull, even as she blows them off in her quest. (That's right, Woodys, I just called you queens. Heh.)
But, like every good disciple of John Hughes knows, there is no prom outcome so certain as that where the hot nerdy chick is subjected to coronation night ridicule and humiliation yet receives an eventual standing ovation from the assembled crowd of "none of us fit in" teens after her horribly uncomfortable and inappropriately self-aggrandizing impromptu speech. Are the Dessert Carts this season's hot, nerdy chick? Or maybe it's the Bad Doggies, who bring with them matching amounts of trash talk and losses. We know for certain that the "Ain't we hot shit" snobby bitch chick role is played by the noveau riche Hotheads, who just keep rolling along with their gaudy 20-something game winning streak. And what do we make of the gloriously impressive and freakishly talented Ghana Ashanti Empire, with their devilishly handsome and wittily clever owner?
Fear not, kiddies, for the next episode of Lion Conference, Season 8 will begin to reveal both some answers and more questions. As always, the snarky commentary is for entertainment purposes only - at this point, it might be for my entertainment purposes only, you never know - but the predictions are real. Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. South African Ratels - Game of the Week. The Woodys chopped up the Kitties' pride in the last game and left them dazed and confused. (Pride, get it? Lions... pride - nevermind.) They're beginning to lose the "aw, shucks" attitude and start acting like the big boys they are between games as well. Rabids were roadkill at Durban and are hoping for a better outcome from home cooking. Remember when the Rabids were just a creampuff? Neither do I. I wouldn't bet on a wood fire, though, Marine. These are the kinds of games that we all wish would happen every week, and guess what? In the Lion conference, you get them more often than not. This will be fun to not be part of.
Prediction: Woodys turn Rabids into varmint stew
African Fever vs. Comoros Lions - The Big Hair Kitties got a rude awakening last week when the Woodys basically fed them through the wood chipper. They don't get much of a break this time through, either, with the Hotheads invading their lair. That's a nasty back-to-back. The Hotheads have managed to keep that winning streak alive by posting consecutive wins over a Season 7 playoff team (Jellystoners) and a 10-win just missed squad (Bloody Mess). That's a good way to start your first season in the higher league and prove you're the real deal.
Prediction: Big Hair Kitties no match for Hotheads' heat
Durban DesertHawks vs. Zambia Zombies - With the exception of the Cairo Creampuffs, the Dead Men Walking have had a stiff introduction to AA and all its rigors. It doesn't change this time out vs. the Dessert Carts - while the matchup bars say good things, recent performances say otherwise, as they were steamrolled in The Battle of the African Zambs by the Big Monkeys. The Dessert Line Wanderers' defense can play with just about anybody in the league and was their difference against the Rabids; now it's a question of whether their offense can keep up the pace they set in their first two games. If so, this one won't be any more pretty than ColaCock.
Prediction: DessertCarts feast; Dead scrambling for life support
Namibia Wildehond vs. Djibouti Booties - I expected so much from Da Booty, but so far this season has been as disappointing as any attempt that leudecke_d has made with girls as hot as those in his avatars. Their two games against non-creampuffs included a loss as heartbreaking as the team's logo in the opener, and a nail-biter of a win versus the Free Willys. Anyone on that team with nerves that are not shot at this point has to be hoping for a blowout one way or another in this game. The Bad Doggies have vastly outperformed the matchups so far, proving the only bars that matter serve hard liquor and feature strippers. Another in what should be a good week of entertaining games.
Prediction: Da Booty shakes it and comes out Top Dog
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - man, this one takes me back. Two of my favorite clubs get a chance to club the hell out of each other in this one. The Flying Snakes™ dropped out of the Ranks of the Unbeaten with the loss to the Bad Doggies; the Big Monkeys' lone blemish was vs. the Rabids. These are two strong teams and traditional rivals who have been battling it out, usually for playoff seeding, since they were born. Only the inaugural match was decided by more than six points. I highly doubt this one will be any different.
In true Lion Conference style, this game is one in a stretch that we shall refer to as The Gauntlet: Snakes™' schedule goes Bad Doggies, Big Monkeys, Dessert Carts, Woodys, Hotheads plus Jellystoners and Bloody Mess. Monkeys get Snakes™, Da Booty, Ghana and Free Willy for theirs before finishing out the season Dessert Carts, Woodys, Hotheads, Jellystoners and Bloody Mess. Wow. Top that, Elephantitisfuckers.
Prediction: Big Monkeys hold series lead, and Flying Snakes™ burned me in last pick'em, so Fat Danny gets the pick
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - So, every time I think the Bloody Mess is going to hit the fan this season, they Pad up (or Pad++, for you actual computer geeks) and drop some nasty defense on somebody. Also, I'm still waiting for Mango's guys to Fandango on someone the way they've always done in the past - all this losing to the Hotheads and only hanging 33 on an Elephant team stuff has me questioning my fear and loathing and outright jealousy that you still have and always will have something that I wanted, you bastages. Therefore, what should be a close and entertaining game ought to be one, unless, of course, it's not, in which case it will be something else entirely. Yeah, I'm getting tired. You write these things.
Prediction: Jellystoners get a gut pick
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Pullman Sinsations - Free Willy must be licking his chops - here come the Tuggers, and the Big Fish must be a bit hungry and grumpy after failing to score the last time out. I'm sure most of you reading this can relate to the "failing to score" part of that phrase, right? Come on, I know you do, so let's just admit it and move on. Tuggers need something to build on, but it's a couple games to the CPU stat-fest, and the fish has a tough D. Still, though, their offense does tend to come off the rails from time to time - maybe the Tuggers have found themselves in the right place at the right time. I really said that with a straight face. It's not going to happen.
Prediction: Free Willy leaves teethmarks on the Tuggers (that phrase just made me cringe)
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Gabon Glocks - make your own prediction here. The Most Blessed and Favored Ghana Ashanti Empire has had a freakishly soft and creamy schedule for three of our first four games, not including Free Willy. We'll see some of you on the stats leader board with us in a couple weeks when you all get your turn.
That's it, kiddies - Week Four all neat and tied up in a pretty pink bow - I know it's the favorite color of most of the folks from Durban, so you're welcome. Remember, play nice.
When last we left our heroes, the Wood Choppers were chopping down the competition with impunity, while the competition was working hard to keep pace. After the Week One Slaughter of the Innocents (Lion-Elephant interconference matchups), there were a good dozen pretenders to the title throne, all standing loud and proud and mentally masturbating themselves over their undefeatedness. At the end of Week 2, the story changed a little bit - the CPUs and slow builds started to pop up, the undefeated list shrank, and the Choppers got away with a less-than-overpowering win. By the end of Week 3, though, the list of teams matching pace with the lead dog had shrank considerably; only four other teams were left unscathed, racing at the heels of the Team With The Target On Their Back like a gaggle of hanger-on popular girls clutching cluelessly to the prom queen on her way to have the crown surgically implanted on her skull, even as she blows them off in her quest. (That's right, Woodys, I just called you queens. Heh.)
But, like every good disciple of John Hughes knows, there is no prom outcome so certain as that where the hot nerdy chick is subjected to coronation night ridicule and humiliation yet receives an eventual standing ovation from the assembled crowd of "none of us fit in" teens after her horribly uncomfortable and inappropriately self-aggrandizing impromptu speech. Are the Dessert Carts this season's hot, nerdy chick? Or maybe it's the Bad Doggies, who bring with them matching amounts of trash talk and losses. We know for certain that the "Ain't we hot shit" snobby bitch chick role is played by the noveau riche Hotheads, who just keep rolling along with their gaudy 20-something game winning streak. And what do we make of the gloriously impressive and freakishly talented Ghana Ashanti Empire, with their devilishly handsome and wittily clever owner?
Fear not, kiddies, for the next episode of Lion Conference, Season 8 will begin to reveal both some answers and more questions. As always, the snarky commentary is for entertainment purposes only - at this point, it might be for my entertainment purposes only, you never know - but the predictions are real. Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. South African Ratels - Game of the Week. The Woodys chopped up the Kitties' pride in the last game and left them dazed and confused. (Pride, get it? Lions... pride - nevermind.) They're beginning to lose the "aw, shucks" attitude and start acting like the big boys they are between games as well. Rabids were roadkill at Durban and are hoping for a better outcome from home cooking. Remember when the Rabids were just a creampuff? Neither do I. I wouldn't bet on a wood fire, though, Marine. These are the kinds of games that we all wish would happen every week, and guess what? In the Lion conference, you get them more often than not. This will be fun to not be part of.
Prediction: Woodys turn Rabids into varmint stew
African Fever vs. Comoros Lions - The Big Hair Kitties got a rude awakening last week when the Woodys basically fed them through the wood chipper. They don't get much of a break this time through, either, with the Hotheads invading their lair. That's a nasty back-to-back. The Hotheads have managed to keep that winning streak alive by posting consecutive wins over a Season 7 playoff team (Jellystoners) and a 10-win just missed squad (Bloody Mess). That's a good way to start your first season in the higher league and prove you're the real deal.
Prediction: Big Hair Kitties no match for Hotheads' heat
Durban DesertHawks vs. Zambia Zombies - With the exception of the Cairo Creampuffs, the Dead Men Walking have had a stiff introduction to AA and all its rigors. It doesn't change this time out vs. the Dessert Carts - while the matchup bars say good things, recent performances say otherwise, as they were steamrolled in The Battle of the African Zambs by the Big Monkeys. The Dessert Line Wanderers' defense can play with just about anybody in the league and was their difference against the Rabids; now it's a question of whether their offense can keep up the pace they set in their first two games. If so, this one won't be any more pretty than ColaCock.
Prediction: DessertCarts feast; Dead scrambling for life support
Namibia Wildehond vs. Djibouti Booties - I expected so much from Da Booty, but so far this season has been as disappointing as any attempt that leudecke_d has made with girls as hot as those in his avatars. Their two games against non-creampuffs included a loss as heartbreaking as the team's logo in the opener, and a nail-biter of a win versus the Free Willys. Anyone on that team with nerves that are not shot at this point has to be hoping for a blowout one way or another in this game. The Bad Doggies have vastly outperformed the matchups so far, proving the only bars that matter serve hard liquor and feature strippers. Another in what should be a good week of entertaining games.
Prediction: Da Booty shakes it and comes out Top Dog
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - man, this one takes me back. Two of my favorite clubs get a chance to club the hell out of each other in this one. The Flying Snakes™ dropped out of the Ranks of the Unbeaten with the loss to the Bad Doggies; the Big Monkeys' lone blemish was vs. the Rabids. These are two strong teams and traditional rivals who have been battling it out, usually for playoff seeding, since they were born. Only the inaugural match was decided by more than six points. I highly doubt this one will be any different.
In true Lion Conference style, this game is one in a stretch that we shall refer to as The Gauntlet: Snakes™' schedule goes Bad Doggies, Big Monkeys, Dessert Carts, Woodys, Hotheads plus Jellystoners and Bloody Mess. Monkeys get Snakes™, Da Booty, Ghana and Free Willy for theirs before finishing out the season Dessert Carts, Woodys, Hotheads, Jellystoners and Bloody Mess. Wow. Top that, Elephantitisfuckers.
Prediction: Big Monkeys hold series lead, and Flying Snakes™ burned me in last pick'em, so Fat Danny gets the pick
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds - So, every time I think the Bloody Mess is going to hit the fan this season, they Pad up (or Pad++, for you actual computer geeks) and drop some nasty defense on somebody. Also, I'm still waiting for Mango's guys to Fandango on someone the way they've always done in the past - all this losing to the Hotheads and only hanging 33 on an Elephant team stuff has me questioning my fear and loathing and outright jealousy that you still have and always will have something that I wanted, you bastages. Therefore, what should be a close and entertaining game ought to be one, unless, of course, it's not, in which case it will be something else entirely. Yeah, I'm getting tired. You write these things.
Prediction: Jellystoners get a gut pick
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Pullman Sinsations - Free Willy must be licking his chops - here come the Tuggers, and the Big Fish must be a bit hungry and grumpy after failing to score the last time out. I'm sure most of you reading this can relate to the "failing to score" part of that phrase, right? Come on, I know you do, so let's just admit it and move on. Tuggers need something to build on, but it's a couple games to the CPU stat-fest, and the fish has a tough D. Still, though, their offense does tend to come off the rails from time to time - maybe the Tuggers have found themselves in the right place at the right time. I really said that with a straight face. It's not going to happen.
Prediction: Free Willy leaves teethmarks on the Tuggers (that phrase just made me cringe)
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Gabon Glocks - make your own prediction here. The Most Blessed and Favored Ghana Ashanti Empire has had a freakishly soft and creamy schedule for three of our first four games, not including Free Willy. We'll see some of you on the stats leader board with us in a couple weeks when you all get your turn.
That's it, kiddies - Week Four all neat and tied up in a pretty pink bow - I know it's the favorite color of most of the folks from Durban, so you're welcome. Remember, play nice.
Funny shhit. Don't count us out just yet, except for the next game 
