For those of you who either don't remember or who were never part of the A5 scene, I did some weekly predictions for the Lion conference back in the day. Here, for your enjoyment and reading pleasure, the first of what will be 20 Lion conference predictions this season.
Disclaimer: I am satirical, sarcastic and can sometimes work blue although I will normally not use too many four-letter words. Whining about something I have written is pointless, usually pretty funny and will probably only spur me on. If something hits a little close to home, well, so be it, and you'd be better off not acknowledging it. Anyone who did not learn their lessons from A5 Seasons Five and Six may be looked upon early for public humiliation.
In other words, you've been warned.
Also, I DON'T do Elephant conference. I keep a very casual eye on you all for the purposes of knowing what the left hand is doing, but otherwise spend the bulk of my time caring about teams I know my team will actually play. I may from time to time take potshots at a perceived conference disparity in top-to-bottom quality, and no, I don't worry about people's feelings there, either. If you want Elephant predictions, find someone in your conference to stop masturbating to the fully-clothed Megan Fox pictures from the South America forum they're drooling over in their other browser window long enough to do them, or clean the Astroglide off your own hands and do them yourself. Whoa - there's a novel idea that you LOLkiddies probably never considered.
That said, Elephanties, you get a freebie this time around, because it's inter-conference loss day! That's right, all you in the Weak Sister Conference, belly up to the byte stream and get your fill of factless but moderately-entertaining commentary. It's a two-times-per-season hazard of the job, one that I don't take anymore lightly than I take anything else that I will be incorporating into these prediction segments.
Again, you've been warned. Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Tar River Pirates - Game of the Week. The Tanzania JumberLacks boo-hooed their way through the pre-season rankings and moaned mightily about rebuilding, which turned out to be BS as they waged scorched-earth campaigns in their two pre-season games. Take that target and hang it on your backs, JumberLacks, because until someone proves otherwise, you're the conference favorites. The Tar Babies finished a perfect season in A6, came and talked smacksmacksmack in the forums, and anointed themselves conference and league favorites, a title the pre-season voters seemed to endorse. They've got as good a chance as anyone, but as they say, you've got to play - or sim - the games. This one should be an interesting litmus test for both squads.
Prediction: JumberLacks lack little in a decisive victory
Durban DesertHawks vs. Uganda Mounties - The Mounteds had a good freshman campaign in AA last season, making the playoffs but losing an opening-round heartbreaker. Good news for the folks Mounted on the wall: every Elephant team they lost to last season is gone. Bad news: you don't get handed conference titles because you're the last man standing - just ask the Dessert Carts, who might have made the jump at some point if they weren't lost geographically (Durban is an ocean port city, not desert-bound, kids). That said, both teams have some studs to line up in this one - Tank "I'm so far over-leveled for this league it's kinda sad" Xerion for the Mounteds and Travian "Can't Nerf Me" Robertson for the Dessert Carts. This might give us an idea of whether the Carts are finally ready to leave their staid and comfy home in AA, or at the very least locate it.
Prediction: Mounteds don't put cart before horse with win, save plenty of room for Dessert
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Rock and Roll Express - A matchup of old A5 teams. The Free Willys were one of a few big fish in a small pond last season, but this go-round, they're just one more predator since they're now swimming with sharks. Question - how the hell did the Guppies not only not sign Randy but let him go to a team in their own conference? That's like dumping your insanely hot girlfriend and then having to watch her have threesomes with another insanely hot chick and the guy next door through your bedroom window every night for ten years while you go through life hot-chick-less. I'd pick against you just on principle, but you get one regular-season game to prove to me there was a method to your madness before I start being punitive. On the other side of the fence, what the hell kind of name is "Rock and Roll Express" anyway? You're not from anywhere, or claiming to go anywhere. I guess you could hang out with the Dessert Carts for a few seasons.
Prediction: Free Willy takes a big bite out of The Train to Nowhere
South African Ratels vs. Lake Victoria Sharks - Welcome to the bigger time, Lake Vic Cichlids. Back in the day, they had a couple agents who would hang out in the A5 forum and act like douchebags. Fortunately for us, they appear douchebag-less. Unfortunately for them, the douchebags may have taken some good, higher-level players with them. The Rabids have loaded up again this season. Level-wise, they appear to be one of the top teams, challenging for a cup, and if they were an Elephant team, I'd be calling them conference favorites based on some positive history. But this ain't the past, Jarhead, and it ain't Elephant, and it's rougher sailing over here, even for a member of a small department of the Naval Armed Services.
Prediction: Rabids are going to feast on seafood
Gabon Glocks vs. Seychelles Roosters - Another matchup of old A5 teams. The Seychelles outfit isn't a league Spring Chicken anymore, although whether they cluck or crow this season remains to be seen. Glocks used to be Pop Guns, but a strong showing last season changed all that. AA is a different game, though, and until they prove otherwise, they're an Airsoft. Welcome back to my prediction segments, guys, Darth Pinky missed you. Cocks or Cocked? Should be an interesting tilt.
Prediction: Chickens don't offer a warm AA welcome to the Airsofts
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Eazy Company Elitez - The 1337z didn't have a 1337 season in The Siete, missing the playoffs and putting up a sub-.500 record, but they've got a minimum of five soft and chewy opponents to nibble on and against which to feel oh-so-1337. The Big Monkeys got off to a roaring start last season and then hit the buzzsaw of the top Lion teams, and when the dust cleared, they had missed the last home playoff spot to a vastly superior team with a much better-looking, very humble owner with great sense in user avatars. These same two teams played the opening game last year, and it was not pretty, with the Big Monkeys doing their thing; however, this is a fairly even matchup, and could be entertaining. Oh, and Brandon "Who's your Daddy" Jacobs: We located your daddy last season, and he was either this guy (http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=730903) or this guy (http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=766984). Only genetic testing will tell for sure.
Prediction: Big Monkeys, although it could go the other way and not surprise me.
African Fever vs. Happy Hour - What can you say about this one? Hotheads went flame-on last season to the tune of 20-0. Five O'Clock Drunks flamed out mid-season. I think it's clear what's going to happen here. The only question is how the Drunks wound up not getting demoted. Any more brain cycles applied to this game will only make me sad.
Prediction: Hotheads get off to a good AA start
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Ikari Warriors - Jellystone Rangers and Icarus Worriers are two sides the same hypothesis that proves nobody cares who came in second when someone else has a perfect season. Quick - who did Ranger Smith and co. beat in Season Six to go 20-0 and win A5? Anybody? Bueller? No, it wasn't Yogi and Boo Boo, and if you'd quit wasting class time drawing porn on your notebook with one hand while rubbing your crotch with the other and drooling over the chick in the next seat, you might know the answer. In the same fashion, nobody's going to remember that the Icarus Worriers flew too close to the sun and dropped the A5 championship game last season, melting under the hot lights of expectation like every other A5 Elephant champ before them. Now that I'm done taking potshots, Icarus, do me a favor and beat the freaking Jellystoners since my own squad can't seem to do it no matter how many other games they lose in a season.
Prediction: Icarus Worriers in what's probably wishful thinking on my part
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Ethiopia Famine - The Flying Snakes™ are one of my favorite teams, if only because their owner has a cool name and is from the same general area as I am. And they have been one of my least favorite teams to play because they prison-gang-raped us on the field twice in our inaugural season and never once offered lube or even a snuggle afterward. They've either come back to the pack or the pack has come to them, because they're evenly matched with more of the league now. I tend to think the latter, 'cause I don't need locker room material flowing freely to the opposition. I don't know anything about the Famine other than a vague understanding of plague and pestilence and I have this thing about self-fulfilling prophecies and they missed the playoffs last season and this has become a run-on sentence that lacks adequate punctuation and that I have no intention of fixing.
Prediction: Flying Snakes™ bring more plague to the Skinnies
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Antarctican Rabbid Snow Beasts: For those who are new to these things, I don't predict my own games or do analysis or commentary. Never have - you'll all have to do your own scouting. That said, the Cute and Cuddly Snow Bunnies could use a) a map and b) spell check. Make your own pick here.
Pullman Sinsations vs. Cincy Bengals - How the hell did so many teams get this lost? Did you all fall off the same cargo liner as the animals from the animated flick "Madagascar"? This ain't San Diego, kids, no matter how white and sandy the beaches are and how wide open the enclosures are. That's it for Geography 101 today - keep it in mind, however, you feeble, geographically-challenged wankers. The TuggingMen had a miserable season after promotion. Still, there's a lot to like about the team, including longtime FS Agent 99's player avatar. And The Bungles have joined the promotion commotion from A6, where there seem to be teams that play GLB. That's all I got, folks, these inter-conference things kill me and the well runs dry after a bit.
Prediction: Wow. Um, how 'bout TuggingMen, just for kicks and because of my obvious and radical Lion bias.
Djibouti Booties vs. Rundu Rhino Rush - This game... um... sorry, distracted by Da Booty's team avatar. Huh? What? Oh. Predictions. These two teams... um... oh yeah... Huh? Um... Yeah. Game. The scouting bars... um... something about scouting bars... um... what? Oh. Something about not as close as it may appear. Um... what? No, I'm close, baby... don't stop...
*ahem*
What's that, baby? Yeah, here's a tissue.
Prediction: I'll be damned if I pick against that avatar. Why the hell is my AdBlock extension not working?
Zambia Zombies vs. Cairo Cougars - One is a team full of the living dead, the other has a creative team avatar. Thanks, Cairo, for waiting until the start of the season to pull the plug; pretty much defeats the purpose of advanced promotion and relegation. The only question here is whether you, the reader, land in the "Night of the Living Dead and sequels" camp or the "Evil Dead and sequels" fanzone. Me, I prefer "Shawn of the Dead."
Prediction: This one will be gorier than anything not directed by Robb Zombie
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Kenya K.O. - Okay, I know it's kind of like a tic or PTSD or something, but some things just piss me off. For instance, "Kenya K.O." is a TERRIBLE team name, as is anything that refers to a team of people in a singular fashion. That also lumps in "Fever", "Happy Hour", "Famine", "Heat", "Wild", "Magic", "Thunder", and any of a dozen or more crappy names you can point out. FYI, "Empire" is NOT singular; a single member is an Imperial. Also, what the HELL is with the "DJ Pad(n) where (n>0) and (n-->infinity)" player naming conventions? The mind-numbing lack of imagnation makes my eyes glaze over. And how do you keep track of who does what? I'd wind up playing the punter at defensive tackle or something. (Okay, I know the positions are listed on the roster and the player page, but still.) And besides, I owe you one for that pathetic effort my team put up in a losing effort last season.
Prediction: Monrovia Bloody Mess over Kenya Kicked Over
Namibia Wildehond vs. Carson City Cadillacs *sigh* Dear Carson City: your travel costs for league games must absolutely kill your budget, now that Air Carson City has merged with Uber Giant Megalodon Airlines, who is also in Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I suggest relocating to somewhere on The Dark Continent to conserve that all-important cash so you can focus on football issues instead of intinerary. You're welcome. Wildehond are commended for a solid team and a good name (you get a pass on the singular naming thing because I think it's acceptable German language syntax for both singular and plural). This should be a good game.
Prediction: Dem Dawgs run wild
Comoros Lions vs. South Texas Hurricanes - Dear South Texas Hurricanes: Fuck you and your geographic stubbornness. FYI, hurricanes originate off the coast of Africa and travel counter to the direction of natural weather patterns, east-to-west, across the Atlantic ocean where they gain energy from the warm, summer ocean waters before hitting the same vacation islands, Gulf of Mexico and Eastern seaboard cities every freaking year. In other words, move to Africa, stay out of the damned storm path. And criminyfuck, what is it with this league and multiple teams with the same locale name? Last season it was Tanzania, now it's Comoros. Do you know how confusing crap like that gets? It's enough to make obsessive-compulsives like me lapse into paragraph-long rants about stuff that no one else cares about.
Prediction: Big Hair Kitties storm the Tropical Depressions
Okay, kiddies, that's week one, complete with rants and baseless picks. Fight amongst yourselves, as you are wont to do. But - and the A5 graduates should all remember - play nice or you won't have any more of these to play with.
Disclaimer: I am satirical, sarcastic and can sometimes work blue although I will normally not use too many four-letter words. Whining about something I have written is pointless, usually pretty funny and will probably only spur me on. If something hits a little close to home, well, so be it, and you'd be better off not acknowledging it. Anyone who did not learn their lessons from A5 Seasons Five and Six may be looked upon early for public humiliation.
In other words, you've been warned.
Also, I DON'T do Elephant conference. I keep a very casual eye on you all for the purposes of knowing what the left hand is doing, but otherwise spend the bulk of my time caring about teams I know my team will actually play. I may from time to time take potshots at a perceived conference disparity in top-to-bottom quality, and no, I don't worry about people's feelings there, either. If you want Elephant predictions, find someone in your conference to stop masturbating to the fully-clothed Megan Fox pictures from the South America forum they're drooling over in their other browser window long enough to do them, or clean the Astroglide off your own hands and do them yourself. Whoa - there's a novel idea that you LOLkiddies probably never considered.
That said, Elephanties, you get a freebie this time around, because it's inter-conference loss day! That's right, all you in the Weak Sister Conference, belly up to the byte stream and get your fill of factless but moderately-entertaining commentary. It's a two-times-per-season hazard of the job, one that I don't take anymore lightly than I take anything else that I will be incorporating into these prediction segments.
Again, you've been warned. Onward.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Tar River Pirates - Game of the Week. The Tanzania JumberLacks boo-hooed their way through the pre-season rankings and moaned mightily about rebuilding, which turned out to be BS as they waged scorched-earth campaigns in their two pre-season games. Take that target and hang it on your backs, JumberLacks, because until someone proves otherwise, you're the conference favorites. The Tar Babies finished a perfect season in A6, came and talked smacksmacksmack in the forums, and anointed themselves conference and league favorites, a title the pre-season voters seemed to endorse. They've got as good a chance as anyone, but as they say, you've got to play - or sim - the games. This one should be an interesting litmus test for both squads.
Prediction: JumberLacks lack little in a decisive victory
Durban DesertHawks vs. Uganda Mounties - The Mounteds had a good freshman campaign in AA last season, making the playoffs but losing an opening-round heartbreaker. Good news for the folks Mounted on the wall: every Elephant team they lost to last season is gone. Bad news: you don't get handed conference titles because you're the last man standing - just ask the Dessert Carts, who might have made the jump at some point if they weren't lost geographically (Durban is an ocean port city, not desert-bound, kids). That said, both teams have some studs to line up in this one - Tank "I'm so far over-leveled for this league it's kinda sad" Xerion for the Mounteds and Travian "Can't Nerf Me" Robertson for the Dessert Carts. This might give us an idea of whether the Carts are finally ready to leave their staid and comfy home in AA, or at the very least locate it.
Prediction: Mounteds don't put cart before horse with win, save plenty of room for Dessert
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Rock and Roll Express - A matchup of old A5 teams. The Free Willys were one of a few big fish in a small pond last season, but this go-round, they're just one more predator since they're now swimming with sharks. Question - how the hell did the Guppies not only not sign Randy but let him go to a team in their own conference? That's like dumping your insanely hot girlfriend and then having to watch her have threesomes with another insanely hot chick and the guy next door through your bedroom window every night for ten years while you go through life hot-chick-less. I'd pick against you just on principle, but you get one regular-season game to prove to me there was a method to your madness before I start being punitive. On the other side of the fence, what the hell kind of name is "Rock and Roll Express" anyway? You're not from anywhere, or claiming to go anywhere. I guess you could hang out with the Dessert Carts for a few seasons.
Prediction: Free Willy takes a big bite out of The Train to Nowhere
South African Ratels vs. Lake Victoria Sharks - Welcome to the bigger time, Lake Vic Cichlids. Back in the day, they had a couple agents who would hang out in the A5 forum and act like douchebags. Fortunately for us, they appear douchebag-less. Unfortunately for them, the douchebags may have taken some good, higher-level players with them. The Rabids have loaded up again this season. Level-wise, they appear to be one of the top teams, challenging for a cup, and if they were an Elephant team, I'd be calling them conference favorites based on some positive history. But this ain't the past, Jarhead, and it ain't Elephant, and it's rougher sailing over here, even for a member of a small department of the Naval Armed Services.
Prediction: Rabids are going to feast on seafood
Gabon Glocks vs. Seychelles Roosters - Another matchup of old A5 teams. The Seychelles outfit isn't a league Spring Chicken anymore, although whether they cluck or crow this season remains to be seen. Glocks used to be Pop Guns, but a strong showing last season changed all that. AA is a different game, though, and until they prove otherwise, they're an Airsoft. Welcome back to my prediction segments, guys, Darth Pinky missed you. Cocks or Cocked? Should be an interesting tilt.
Prediction: Chickens don't offer a warm AA welcome to the Airsofts
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Eazy Company Elitez - The 1337z didn't have a 1337 season in The Siete, missing the playoffs and putting up a sub-.500 record, but they've got a minimum of five soft and chewy opponents to nibble on and against which to feel oh-so-1337. The Big Monkeys got off to a roaring start last season and then hit the buzzsaw of the top Lion teams, and when the dust cleared, they had missed the last home playoff spot to a vastly superior team with a much better-looking, very humble owner with great sense in user avatars. These same two teams played the opening game last year, and it was not pretty, with the Big Monkeys doing their thing; however, this is a fairly even matchup, and could be entertaining. Oh, and Brandon "Who's your Daddy" Jacobs: We located your daddy last season, and he was either this guy (http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=730903) or this guy (http://goallineblitz.com/game/player.pl?player_id=766984). Only genetic testing will tell for sure.
Prediction: Big Monkeys, although it could go the other way and not surprise me.
African Fever vs. Happy Hour - What can you say about this one? Hotheads went flame-on last season to the tune of 20-0. Five O'Clock Drunks flamed out mid-season. I think it's clear what's going to happen here. The only question is how the Drunks wound up not getting demoted. Any more brain cycles applied to this game will only make me sad.
Prediction: Hotheads get off to a good AA start
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Ikari Warriors - Jellystone Rangers and Icarus Worriers are two sides the same hypothesis that proves nobody cares who came in second when someone else has a perfect season. Quick - who did Ranger Smith and co. beat in Season Six to go 20-0 and win A5? Anybody? Bueller? No, it wasn't Yogi and Boo Boo, and if you'd quit wasting class time drawing porn on your notebook with one hand while rubbing your crotch with the other and drooling over the chick in the next seat, you might know the answer. In the same fashion, nobody's going to remember that the Icarus Worriers flew too close to the sun and dropped the A5 championship game last season, melting under the hot lights of expectation like every other A5 Elephant champ before them. Now that I'm done taking potshots, Icarus, do me a favor and beat the freaking Jellystoners since my own squad can't seem to do it no matter how many other games they lose in a season.
Prediction: Icarus Worriers in what's probably wishful thinking on my part
Madagascar Serpent Eagles vs. Ethiopia Famine - The Flying Snakes™ are one of my favorite teams, if only because their owner has a cool name and is from the same general area as I am. And they have been one of my least favorite teams to play because they prison-gang-raped us on the field twice in our inaugural season and never once offered lube or even a snuggle afterward. They've either come back to the pack or the pack has come to them, because they're evenly matched with more of the league now. I tend to think the latter, 'cause I don't need locker room material flowing freely to the opposition. I don't know anything about the Famine other than a vague understanding of plague and pestilence and I have this thing about self-fulfilling prophecies and they missed the playoffs last season and this has become a run-on sentence that lacks adequate punctuation and that I have no intention of fixing.
Prediction: Flying Snakes™ bring more plague to the Skinnies
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Antarctican Rabbid Snow Beasts: For those who are new to these things, I don't predict my own games or do analysis or commentary. Never have - you'll all have to do your own scouting. That said, the Cute and Cuddly Snow Bunnies could use a) a map and b) spell check. Make your own pick here.
Pullman Sinsations vs. Cincy Bengals - How the hell did so many teams get this lost? Did you all fall off the same cargo liner as the animals from the animated flick "Madagascar"? This ain't San Diego, kids, no matter how white and sandy the beaches are and how wide open the enclosures are. That's it for Geography 101 today - keep it in mind, however, you feeble, geographically-challenged wankers. The TuggingMen had a miserable season after promotion. Still, there's a lot to like about the team, including longtime FS Agent 99's player avatar. And The Bungles have joined the promotion commotion from A6, where there seem to be teams that play GLB. That's all I got, folks, these inter-conference things kill me and the well runs dry after a bit.
Prediction: Wow. Um, how 'bout TuggingMen, just for kicks and because of my obvious and radical Lion bias.
Djibouti Booties vs. Rundu Rhino Rush - This game... um... sorry, distracted by Da Booty's team avatar. Huh? What? Oh. Predictions. These two teams... um... oh yeah... Huh? Um... Yeah. Game. The scouting bars... um... something about scouting bars... um... what? Oh. Something about not as close as it may appear. Um... what? No, I'm close, baby... don't stop...
*ahem*
What's that, baby? Yeah, here's a tissue.
Prediction: I'll be damned if I pick against that avatar. Why the hell is my AdBlock extension not working?
Zambia Zombies vs. Cairo Cougars - One is a team full of the living dead, the other has a creative team avatar. Thanks, Cairo, for waiting until the start of the season to pull the plug; pretty much defeats the purpose of advanced promotion and relegation. The only question here is whether you, the reader, land in the "Night of the Living Dead and sequels" camp or the "Evil Dead and sequels" fanzone. Me, I prefer "Shawn of the Dead."
Prediction: This one will be gorier than anything not directed by Robb Zombie
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Kenya K.O. - Okay, I know it's kind of like a tic or PTSD or something, but some things just piss me off. For instance, "Kenya K.O." is a TERRIBLE team name, as is anything that refers to a team of people in a singular fashion. That also lumps in "Fever", "Happy Hour", "Famine", "Heat", "Wild", "Magic", "Thunder", and any of a dozen or more crappy names you can point out. FYI, "Empire" is NOT singular; a single member is an Imperial. Also, what the HELL is with the "DJ Pad(n) where (n>0) and (n-->infinity)" player naming conventions? The mind-numbing lack of imagnation makes my eyes glaze over. And how do you keep track of who does what? I'd wind up playing the punter at defensive tackle or something. (Okay, I know the positions are listed on the roster and the player page, but still.) And besides, I owe you one for that pathetic effort my team put up in a losing effort last season.
Prediction: Monrovia Bloody Mess over Kenya Kicked Over
Namibia Wildehond vs. Carson City Cadillacs *sigh* Dear Carson City: your travel costs for league games must absolutely kill your budget, now that Air Carson City has merged with Uber Giant Megalodon Airlines, who is also in Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I suggest relocating to somewhere on The Dark Continent to conserve that all-important cash so you can focus on football issues instead of intinerary. You're welcome. Wildehond are commended for a solid team and a good name (you get a pass on the singular naming thing because I think it's acceptable German language syntax for both singular and plural). This should be a good game.
Prediction: Dem Dawgs run wild
Comoros Lions vs. South Texas Hurricanes - Dear South Texas Hurricanes: Fuck you and your geographic stubbornness. FYI, hurricanes originate off the coast of Africa and travel counter to the direction of natural weather patterns, east-to-west, across the Atlantic ocean where they gain energy from the warm, summer ocean waters before hitting the same vacation islands, Gulf of Mexico and Eastern seaboard cities every freaking year. In other words, move to Africa, stay out of the damned storm path. And criminyfuck, what is it with this league and multiple teams with the same locale name? Last season it was Tanzania, now it's Comoros. Do you know how confusing crap like that gets? It's enough to make obsessive-compulsives like me lapse into paragraph-long rants about stuff that no one else cares about.
Prediction: Big Hair Kitties storm the Tropical Depressions
Okay, kiddies, that's week one, complete with rants and baseless picks. Fight amongst yourselves, as you are wont to do. But - and the A5 graduates should all remember - play nice or you won't have any more of these to play with.
Last edited Feb 24, 2009 16:23:38
