The playoffs may not mean as much this time around, since the majority of us will probably end up being promoted. Still, playoffs are playoffs, and far be it from me to take it lightly. It's ON!
1. Stuttgart Blitzkrieg (16-0)
Absolutely demolished everyone who crossed their path, breaking hearts and spines with their potent air attack and intimidating defense. Seemingly unstoppable burner Deon Long WV had the 2nd most receiving TDs in EEA4. And when I say that, I mean he had more receiving TDs by himself than all but 1 TEAM in the league. They are surely the favorite to bring home the gold trophy, but we've all seen the juggernauts fall before.
Key stat: 9,405.5 passing yards this season, nearly 4,000 more than the 2nd place team, giving them 5 receivers with over 1,000 yards and double-digit TDs.
2. Frankfurt Funky Monkeys (16-0)
Not nearly as dominant in their perfect regular season as the Blitzkrieg, but nonetheless they find themselves in the familiar spot of Zeta's top dog. They dont do any one thing exceptionally well, but they can beat you with the pass, the run, or their stellar defense. They game plan as well as anyone. A few close games scared them this season, but we'll see how Zeta truly stacks up without the effect of bonus tokens.
Key stat: Only 2 sacks allowed. It's tough to force turnovers on them when they protect their signal-callers so well.
3. Tinkerbell Got Balls (15-1)
Their one loss came at the hands of the mighty Krieg, and even then they amazingly held Stuttgart without a passing TD. Semi-finalists (if I'm not mistaken) in the Eastern Europe A tournament, these guys are legit. A stellar defense (least points allowed in EEA4), led by uber pass rush champion Sackus Biggus (71 sacks, no less than 2 in any game) floats their boat.
Key stat: 31.3 Y/KR, 16.6 Y/PR, both #2 in the league. Special teams could be the difference maker in a tight game, and they should have the upper hand against most teams.
4. Cosa Nostra Hitmen (14-2)
Ahh Ragu, my old friend and enemy. I've fell to the Hitmen far too many times to underestimate them. Extraordinary depth gives them a powerful offense, and their defense is certainly no slouch. A more pass-oriented team than last season, they wont hesitate to drop some bombs on you. I hope we both survive long enough to meet up yet again. 4th time is the charm, bitch!
Key stat: 342 pass yards/game, 2nd only to the Blitzkrieg. Watch out for their deep receiving corps.
5. Saratov Scoregasm (13-3)
Am I biased? Of course, but it's hard to put anyone else in this spot. It's hard to argue with the top running offense in the league (310 YPG and 7.7 YPC) and the 3rd highest scoring team overall. Swiss cheese defense? Hell no. The 'gasm were #2 in pass defense and #6 in run D. A couple of breaks our way and we could have easily been 14-2 or even 15-1, but of course another tough Alpha matchup drops our playoff seed to #4. Beans. The sooner you beat me, the sooner you can shut me up (and probably the sooner I'll stop doing rankings).
Key stat: 63 rushing TDs, giving us some serious muscle in the red zone. Can you stop us? Probably, but I'm not going down without a very loud fight.
6. Newport Tsunami (13-3)
The Gentle Swell did little to quell my claims that Zeta is the superior conference. Are they as bad as I say they are? Of course not, I'm just being a raucous ass. They boast a solid, pass-first but balanced offense, and a pretty good defense that wont wow you but also wont lose them any games. They got trounced by the Krieg, so it's not likely that they'll come out on top, but I'd say they're more than likely in line for a promotion.
Key stat: Alpha and Zeta both suck equally, and that's my best and final offer to you bastards.
7. St. Petersburg Rasputins (14-2)
The man is still keeping them down in the rankings! In my defense, they have yet to really prove me wrong. Independent of a win against the Hitmen and a close loss vs. Frankfurt, they havent exactly steamrolled the competition. This season has seen them undergo a transformation from heavy runners to heavy passers. What gives? I dont know, but they are definitely capable of putting points on the board. The question is can they keep opposing offenses off the board?
Key stat: Only 9 interceptions on defense. It's tough to win when you dont create turnovers, especially against top competition.
8. Helsinki Devils (13-3)
They remind me of the Indianapolis Colts from a few seasons ago. A very strong passing offense, average running game, but a porous secondary. You can only outscore opponents for so long before one of them shuts you down. A formidable playoff opponent in the first round, but it's hard to see them getting far allowing so many passing TDs, especially with a ridiculous offense like Stuttgart's looming in the 2nd round.
Key stat: Only 3 interceptions thrown this season. They may not create a whole lot of turnovers on defense, but at least their offense isnt giving them up.
9. Kazakhstan Dragons (11-5)
You guys are cool in my book, so I'm going to feel bad about stomping you so badly come day 33. You are indeed a formidable foe, however, so I'm not going to take anything for granted. Certainly powerful on offense, but perhaps lacking a little in some defensive areas. When it comes down to it, poor chemistry will leave you bruised and battered in our wake. Still, kudos on your improvement from last season.
Key stat: Their 66.7 FG% is the worst among playoff teams.
10. Transylvania Grim Reapers (12-4)
Able to beat down the weak guys, but more often than not getting stomped by the elite. Only average in most statistical categories, do they have what it takes to pull off a small upset over Helsinki? The key will be the passing game for both teams, and what their respective secondaries can do to stop them. They need a big game out of Sly Dog (33 sacks, 59 hurries) to have any chance in this one.
Key stat: 6 interceptions on defense all season does not bode well against a team whose strength is their passing game.
11. Liverpool Outlaws (10-6)
Sometimes I look at a team and think, what do they do well? It's hard to answer that question for Liverpool. They seem to be in the middle of the pack for most statistics, and yet they kept it close against better teams. Perhaps it's a matter of luck or game planning? As a Zeta man, I cant really say.
Key stat: 69.4% completion rate was 2nd in the league. They may not burn anyone with the big play, but all those completions will keep the chains moving.
12. Warsaw Stampede (10-6)
Now we're getting into the nitty gritty. A spectacular ground game that placed second only to Saratov, but a whoopie cushion of a passing game; they made some noise early on and everyone laughed, but now they're deflated and really not funny anymore. Seriously, your air attack is more pathetic than the Seahawks right now. I know from personal experience that it's damn near impossible to win when the other team knows what's coming.
Key stat: While their offensive line couldnt protect long enough to help out the league's worst passing offense (literally), 903 pancakes (#3 overall) will at least prove somewhat challenging for opposing defenses.
13. Hill Valley Deloreans (10-5-1)
As mercurial a team as I've ever seen on GLB. Buried by the top of the league, but snuck in a quality win against Kazakhstan. Beat up most of the non-playoff teams, but lost to #9 Berlin and didnt exactly run up the score on the rest of Zeta's ugly ducklings. Their week 16 win against 12-4 Transylvania is the only reason they're rated this high.
Key stat: 29.3 points/game, good enough for dead last amongst playoff teams.
14. Secretville Offtopics (8-7-1)
Occupying the playoff spot of the more deserving Berlin Crusaders. Had a couple of decent wins, but also lost to some really shitty teams. If not for the luck of the interconference draws, they'd be on the outside looking in, watching me insult Berlin instead of them. You can have your cake, but I'll be damned if you're going to eat it. Then you'll be even angrier for having a tantalizing but inedible cake resting just beyond your grasp.
Key stat: 28-100, the combined record of the teams they beat this season.
15. Sioux City Bandits (8-8)
I commend you for battling back after a 2-8 start to win your final 6 games. That's the only nice thing I'm going to say about you. This league has yet to reach what I would call a competitive balance. While I've seen some 8 seeds take down the top dogs in higher level leagues, you have no chance of accomplishing a similar feat.
Key stat: #1 in EEA4 with only 5 fumbles lost. That counts for something, right?
16. South City Chiefs (8-8)
Similar name as the team preceding them, and probably a similar result. The forced penetration will hurt a lot less if you relax the muscles in your ass.
Key stat(s): 40.7 points allowed/game is good enough for 16th out of 16 playoff teams, and is 15 points worse than the next worst team. Combine that with a meager 3 sacks and 2 interceptions, and you have a bloodbath waiting to happen. Take it from Ray Lewis: "Defent win sampionsips."
THE BRACKET ("total lack of upsets" edition!)
Round 1:
#1 Stuttgart beats #8 Sioux City
#2 Tinkerbell beats #7 Warsaw
#3 Newport beats #6 Liverpool
#4 Helsinki beats #5 Transylvania
#1 Frankfurt beats #8 South City
#2 St. Petersburg beats #7 Secretville
#3 Cosa Nostra beats #6 Hill Valley
#4 Saratov beats #5 Kazakhstan
Round 2:
#1 Stuttgart beats #4 Helsinki
#2 Tinkerbell beats #3 Newport
#1 Frankfurt beats #4 Saratov
#3 Cosa Nostra beats #2 St. Petersburg
Round 3:
#1 Stuttgart beats #1 Tinkerbell
# 1 Frankfurt beats #3 Cosa Nostra
Round 4:
#1 Stuttgart beats #1 Frankfurt
1. Stuttgart Blitzkrieg (16-0)
Absolutely demolished everyone who crossed their path, breaking hearts and spines with their potent air attack and intimidating defense. Seemingly unstoppable burner Deon Long WV had the 2nd most receiving TDs in EEA4. And when I say that, I mean he had more receiving TDs by himself than all but 1 TEAM in the league. They are surely the favorite to bring home the gold trophy, but we've all seen the juggernauts fall before.
Key stat: 9,405.5 passing yards this season, nearly 4,000 more than the 2nd place team, giving them 5 receivers with over 1,000 yards and double-digit TDs.
2. Frankfurt Funky Monkeys (16-0)
Not nearly as dominant in their perfect regular season as the Blitzkrieg, but nonetheless they find themselves in the familiar spot of Zeta's top dog. They dont do any one thing exceptionally well, but they can beat you with the pass, the run, or their stellar defense. They game plan as well as anyone. A few close games scared them this season, but we'll see how Zeta truly stacks up without the effect of bonus tokens.
Key stat: Only 2 sacks allowed. It's tough to force turnovers on them when they protect their signal-callers so well.
3. Tinkerbell Got Balls (15-1)
Their one loss came at the hands of the mighty Krieg, and even then they amazingly held Stuttgart without a passing TD. Semi-finalists (if I'm not mistaken) in the Eastern Europe A tournament, these guys are legit. A stellar defense (least points allowed in EEA4), led by uber pass rush champion Sackus Biggus (71 sacks, no less than 2 in any game) floats their boat.
Key stat: 31.3 Y/KR, 16.6 Y/PR, both #2 in the league. Special teams could be the difference maker in a tight game, and they should have the upper hand against most teams.
4. Cosa Nostra Hitmen (14-2)
Ahh Ragu, my old friend and enemy. I've fell to the Hitmen far too many times to underestimate them. Extraordinary depth gives them a powerful offense, and their defense is certainly no slouch. A more pass-oriented team than last season, they wont hesitate to drop some bombs on you. I hope we both survive long enough to meet up yet again. 4th time is the charm, bitch!
Key stat: 342 pass yards/game, 2nd only to the Blitzkrieg. Watch out for their deep receiving corps.
5. Saratov Scoregasm (13-3)
Am I biased? Of course, but it's hard to put anyone else in this spot. It's hard to argue with the top running offense in the league (310 YPG and 7.7 YPC) and the 3rd highest scoring team overall. Swiss cheese defense? Hell no. The 'gasm were #2 in pass defense and #6 in run D. A couple of breaks our way and we could have easily been 14-2 or even 15-1, but of course another tough Alpha matchup drops our playoff seed to #4. Beans. The sooner you beat me, the sooner you can shut me up (and probably the sooner I'll stop doing rankings).
Key stat: 63 rushing TDs, giving us some serious muscle in the red zone. Can you stop us? Probably, but I'm not going down without a very loud fight.
6. Newport Tsunami (13-3)
The Gentle Swell did little to quell my claims that Zeta is the superior conference. Are they as bad as I say they are? Of course not, I'm just being a raucous ass. They boast a solid, pass-first but balanced offense, and a pretty good defense that wont wow you but also wont lose them any games. They got trounced by the Krieg, so it's not likely that they'll come out on top, but I'd say they're more than likely in line for a promotion.
Key stat: Alpha and Zeta both suck equally, and that's my best and final offer to you bastards.
7. St. Petersburg Rasputins (14-2)
The man is still keeping them down in the rankings! In my defense, they have yet to really prove me wrong. Independent of a win against the Hitmen and a close loss vs. Frankfurt, they havent exactly steamrolled the competition. This season has seen them undergo a transformation from heavy runners to heavy passers. What gives? I dont know, but they are definitely capable of putting points on the board. The question is can they keep opposing offenses off the board?
Key stat: Only 9 interceptions on defense. It's tough to win when you dont create turnovers, especially against top competition.
8. Helsinki Devils (13-3)
They remind me of the Indianapolis Colts from a few seasons ago. A very strong passing offense, average running game, but a porous secondary. You can only outscore opponents for so long before one of them shuts you down. A formidable playoff opponent in the first round, but it's hard to see them getting far allowing so many passing TDs, especially with a ridiculous offense like Stuttgart's looming in the 2nd round.
Key stat: Only 3 interceptions thrown this season. They may not create a whole lot of turnovers on defense, but at least their offense isnt giving them up.
9. Kazakhstan Dragons (11-5)
You guys are cool in my book, so I'm going to feel bad about stomping you so badly come day 33. You are indeed a formidable foe, however, so I'm not going to take anything for granted. Certainly powerful on offense, but perhaps lacking a little in some defensive areas. When it comes down to it, poor chemistry will leave you bruised and battered in our wake. Still, kudos on your improvement from last season.
Key stat: Their 66.7 FG% is the worst among playoff teams.
10. Transylvania Grim Reapers (12-4)
Able to beat down the weak guys, but more often than not getting stomped by the elite. Only average in most statistical categories, do they have what it takes to pull off a small upset over Helsinki? The key will be the passing game for both teams, and what their respective secondaries can do to stop them. They need a big game out of Sly Dog (33 sacks, 59 hurries) to have any chance in this one.
Key stat: 6 interceptions on defense all season does not bode well against a team whose strength is their passing game.
11. Liverpool Outlaws (10-6)
Sometimes I look at a team and think, what do they do well? It's hard to answer that question for Liverpool. They seem to be in the middle of the pack for most statistics, and yet they kept it close against better teams. Perhaps it's a matter of luck or game planning? As a Zeta man, I cant really say.
Key stat: 69.4% completion rate was 2nd in the league. They may not burn anyone with the big play, but all those completions will keep the chains moving.
12. Warsaw Stampede (10-6)
Now we're getting into the nitty gritty. A spectacular ground game that placed second only to Saratov, but a whoopie cushion of a passing game; they made some noise early on and everyone laughed, but now they're deflated and really not funny anymore. Seriously, your air attack is more pathetic than the Seahawks right now. I know from personal experience that it's damn near impossible to win when the other team knows what's coming.
Key stat: While their offensive line couldnt protect long enough to help out the league's worst passing offense (literally), 903 pancakes (#3 overall) will at least prove somewhat challenging for opposing defenses.
13. Hill Valley Deloreans (10-5-1)
As mercurial a team as I've ever seen on GLB. Buried by the top of the league, but snuck in a quality win against Kazakhstan. Beat up most of the non-playoff teams, but lost to #9 Berlin and didnt exactly run up the score on the rest of Zeta's ugly ducklings. Their week 16 win against 12-4 Transylvania is the only reason they're rated this high.
Key stat: 29.3 points/game, good enough for dead last amongst playoff teams.
14. Secretville Offtopics (8-7-1)
Occupying the playoff spot of the more deserving Berlin Crusaders. Had a couple of decent wins, but also lost to some really shitty teams. If not for the luck of the interconference draws, they'd be on the outside looking in, watching me insult Berlin instead of them. You can have your cake, but I'll be damned if you're going to eat it. Then you'll be even angrier for having a tantalizing but inedible cake resting just beyond your grasp.
Key stat: 28-100, the combined record of the teams they beat this season.
15. Sioux City Bandits (8-8)
I commend you for battling back after a 2-8 start to win your final 6 games. That's the only nice thing I'm going to say about you. This league has yet to reach what I would call a competitive balance. While I've seen some 8 seeds take down the top dogs in higher level leagues, you have no chance of accomplishing a similar feat.
Key stat: #1 in EEA4 with only 5 fumbles lost. That counts for something, right?
16. South City Chiefs (8-8)
Similar name as the team preceding them, and probably a similar result. The forced penetration will hurt a lot less if you relax the muscles in your ass.
Key stat(s): 40.7 points allowed/game is good enough for 16th out of 16 playoff teams, and is 15 points worse than the next worst team. Combine that with a meager 3 sacks and 2 interceptions, and you have a bloodbath waiting to happen. Take it from Ray Lewis: "Defent win sampionsips."
THE BRACKET ("total lack of upsets" edition!)
Round 1:
#1 Stuttgart beats #8 Sioux City
#2 Tinkerbell beats #7 Warsaw
#3 Newport beats #6 Liverpool
#4 Helsinki beats #5 Transylvania
#1 Frankfurt beats #8 South City
#2 St. Petersburg beats #7 Secretville
#3 Cosa Nostra beats #6 Hill Valley
#4 Saratov beats #5 Kazakhstan
Round 2:
#1 Stuttgart beats #4 Helsinki
#2 Tinkerbell beats #3 Newport
#1 Frankfurt beats #4 Saratov
#3 Cosa Nostra beats #2 St. Petersburg
Round 3:
#1 Stuttgart beats #1 Tinkerbell
# 1 Frankfurt beats #3 Cosa Nostra
Round 4:
#1 Stuttgart beats #1 Frankfurt
Last edited Oct 21, 2008 18:18:24
