*Warning: The more serious you take these…the more likely I am to nutslap you
Alpha:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Krakow Plumbers Crack
Okay, seriously, something weird is going on here at Committee Headquarters. I just have to warn you guys before we start this whole list here, I..am..fucked…up. Seriously.
Don’t laugh at me, but, I think there is a Dinosaur outside my window. Seriously! There’s a couple ways to play this, too. I could go to my window and inspect further, but that would risk the chance of getting eaten. Another option is to just ignore it, and hope someone watched Godzilla and can deal with this without me. The risk there is he finds me, ruins my batcave, and then eats me. I don’t want to be eaten today.
I’m going to press on here with the rankings, I hope they turn out okay..
2. Zagreb Titans
It needs to be pointed out that my tirade on Zagreb upon my return from vacation got flagged by the GLB nazi’s for inappropriate behavior and language. I talked my way out of getting a two-day ban by promising to apologize.
So, here you go GLB:
Fuck that shit bitch, I don’t apologize for anything. I don’t give a shit what you think is appropriate, you all can blow me. You hear me? Make a sloppy one too, I like it like that. This is just a freaking game, get the fuck off your podium.
3. Emmaus Fighting Green Hornets
I just spent the last 5 minutes making a PowerPoint presentation on why your team isn’t going to win the Alpha trophy this year. I had this awesome idea to post it and shit. When I went back and reviewed it, though, I had only written three words, each one strategically placed on a different page. It read: Krakow Plumbers Crack. I wonder why that took so long to make? There’s no way I can be that fucked up, right?
4. Hungarian Revolution
Okay, quick dinosaur update:
I just went over near the window, and when I got there the beat from “Ice Cream Paint Job” started playing and it looked like the dinosaur was dancing to it. Then I hear a loud roar, the music went out, and I think I shit a little in my pants. But never fear minions, I gotta finish tonight no matter what.
5. Atlantis Whitecaps
Oh, quick side note about earlier this evening; I don’t know how many of you all have seen the Transformers movies, but apparently they’re fake as a motherfucker. I spent a half hour trying to talk a yellow Camaro into transforming, and it didn’t do it. I want my money back.
Wait, am I supposed to be writing something of substance about these teams?
Blah.
6. Constantinople Charioteers
Um, Constantinople. I don’t know if it’s the team, the long words, their record, or whatever, but I just got a terrible fucking headache. I’m going to advertise this to everyone, first women to bring me Advil and Gatorade gets a free night with my body.
7. Vienna Sausages
I’ve worked up the will power to actually write a real ranking.
Vienna beat The Gods last week, scoring a win that was predicted by me. Of course. I did try to watch the game so that I could give some insight to The Gods as to why they suck, but unfortunately the dots on the screen looked like M&M’s and I destroyed my computer trying to eat them.
8. The Gods
Okay, I ordered pizza earlier, and it just came. I went to give the guy the money, but I spent all of it on red cups and ping pong balls. I offered the guy weed, but he declined and was leaving when I yelled at him to watch out for the dinosaur that’s outside. He promptly walked back upstairs, handed me the pizza, and asked for the weed.
I don’t even remember what this space is for????
9. River City Renegades
AHHH hahaha. This team sucks. Seriously, if an Oreck vacuum fucked a Hoover vacuum, and created a prodigal son of sucking, I don’t even think that little bastard could duplicate this teams season.
10. Vatican City Bishops
Alright, EVERYONE QUIET@@
I think the dinosaur is one the move. I heard some screams, a load groaning sound, and things hitting the wall. Dude, if he’s coming to get me, he’s going to have to get by my collector jousting stick from A Knight’s Tale. I think I can take him.
11. Vatican City Paranoid Agnostic
NOPE.
I can’t take him. There was just a loud bang on my door, and now I’m in the bathtub writing these rankings. I just texted my friend and told him that I think Dinosaur’s are attracted to the smell of pizza, and to bring his harpoon over.
Fingers crossed I get service in this bathtub.
Oh, it’s a section separator! What a good idea!
12. Estonian Enforcers
Alright, just got a response from my friend. It reads:
“Dude, don’t tell me you locked yourself in your bathroom thinking that dinosaur’s are real again and they’re outside trying to eat you.”
What an insensitive bitch. I bet he also thinks Megladon, the shark that eats busses isn’t real either. Here’s a thought; if it’s alive today, how do they know it can eat busses? Seriously, am I the only one who thinks things through in this world?
13. Texas Red Dragons
Speaking of dragons, I could really use one right now. Who do you think would win a fight between a dragon and a dinosaur?
14. Warsaw Warriors
Okay, seriously, my head is killing. Last time I felt this bad I fucked a girl whose celebrity doppelganger was clitoris leechman or whatever her name is.
--------
Zeta:
The Playoff Teams:
1. Kaunas Archangels
Dude, I gotta get a plan of attack here. I don’t want to be the first person since Harry Truman (bomb them to hell!) to die in a bathtub. Plus, I left my pizza out there and without it I’m starting to get double vision, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of these rankings.
2. Four Horsemen
Before I make my move to get my pizza back, I just want to take a second to go through the list of all the things I’m going to miss if I’m the first person in 64 million years to get eaten by a dinosaur (cast from Jurassic Park doesn’t count). Here we go:
Boobies, pizza, beer, ice cream, fireflies, ice water, New Orleans, Jimmy John’s, pools, Big Tymers, marshmallows, Tiger Tiger Woods ya’ll, farm animals, Hobo, my C.O.P. Teammates, boobies, go-kart lawnmowers, go-kart reclining chairs, and being a way better kicker than anyone else, ever, in existence.
3. Philadelphia Demonik
Okay I’m on the move…I’m not out of the bathtub…leaving the bathroom now…I see the pizza (and yes I’m still typing, I’m trying to finish this shit!)…I hear heavy breathing…Where is it coming from??....Pizza…
I GOT IT!
Retreat!
4. Warsaw Gods of War
Quick Question:
I haven’t really looked, but have I changed any teams’ rankings at all from last week? Can you guys tell that this is all just filler because of my state of mind right now, and busy schedule tomorrow? If I have changed any, that’s just a bonus from me at this point.
5. Wroclaw Wrecking Crew
Okay, back to this dinosaur. I’m refueled on pizza, and ready to battle. Plus, I’m at the point every dumb chick from a scary movie gets to where she’s just like “fuck this shit, if he’s going to kill me (or eat me in this case), let’s get it over with” and goes actually looking around and shit like a retard.
Ya, that’s about to be me. Stay tuned motherfuckers.
6. Knossos Minotaurs
Your season is over. I looked into it. It’s now confirmed.
Back to the real story at hand.
7. Border Reivers
I have my A Knight’s Tale Jousting stick, and I’m ready to fight.
Quick note, do you think anyone has ever gone into a fight with hanes boxers on, a white t-shirt filled with pizza stains, a collectable jousting stick, arm guards from my football playing days, and a homemade flak jacket (4 of my heaviest sweatshirts piled on top of each other)?
I’m a fucking innovator people. It’s best to just accept it.
8. Valhalla Einherjar
Do you hear that!?
I think the dinosaur got into the batcave. I hear noises coming from right outside the bathroom door now. Strangely enough, the beat to “Ice Cream Paint Job” is playing again. Maybe he’s dancing again, and I can sneak attack?
Dino Hunting
9. Istanbul Turks:
Game time!
AHHHHH
*Opens the door*
Dammit, no dinosaur. It’s just my friend who I texted earlier. He says there’s no dinosaur, and thinks my Jousting stick scared him off.
On another note, he says the girl he just fucked across the hall likes to listen to Ice Cream Paint Job when she’s getting down.
Interesting.
10. Gamehendge Knights
Gut, you fuck ups.
11. Croatian Flesh Eaters
For those of you have read through my entire dinosaur episode tonight, I have a special prize for you. It’s a piece of advice that is priceless. Everyone who hates dinosaurs and already Xed out of this page is going to miss it.
--When you first meet a girl, don’t invite her back to your place! Go to hers instead. Then before you do what you do, excuse yourself, go to her bathroom, and look around to make sure there isn’t any vagisil running around. This is not something you want to discover during your after sex piss, trust me! Also, make sure they don’t drug you with shit that makes you see dinosaurs.
12. Montreal Ice
Blah, Blah, Bronco’s 1,000 Yard Back, Blah, Blah.
I want to be done.
I could have sworn I had more weed around here…., did I sell it!?? FUCK
13. Lefkada Seahawks
Seriously, I can’t even see anything right now. All I know is that tonight I scared off a dinosaur, and right now I’m listening “Kryptonie” from Big Boi thinking he’s talking as me. Plus I just got a relationship request from a chick I’ve been analing for three days now. I’m pretty sure we’ve never even had a formal conversation. FML
14. Glorious Nation Kazakhstan:
I think the fact that I’m fucked up should make you all appreciate my efforts more on getting this out. I’m pretty sure I made record time too!
PS: Thank you spellcheck for working overtime on this one for me.
Truly a good wednesday night drunken rant sir
