What time is it, kids? It's Hello Vader Time! Welcome to another episode of As The Lion Conference Turns, where your Puppet Master, Darth Pinky, sets 'em up, knocks 'em down, drops name, takes names, insults nearly every one of you who can understand what I'm saying and generally tells you how things will go for another GLB Week without the need for you to watch one second of the games! Oh, sure, you'll all still spend your time game-planning and setting tactics and all those cute little things that you all keep doing in the frantic hope that at some point, you'll get a decent SIM and that single roll- that one lousy roll of the RNG - that you've been waiting for all season will go your way on that freaking play that you know should work but never quite executes properly when it's called. Don't be too proud of those AI terrors you've constructed, Lion Field Generals. The ability to destroy teams that have gone CPU is insignificant next to the prediction Power of the Pink Force of Nature. Now, I'm not trying to frighten you with my prediction guru's ways, y'all. My sad devotion to doing these game-by-game predictions has not helped me conjure up that stolen Season 6 Africa A5 Championship trophy, or given me clairvoyance enough to find the Dessert Cart's hidden stadium...
Still, try you will, but there is no try, only do, or do not.
And so far this season, we've figured out who the do nots are, although the dos are still difficult to see, as always in motion the future is.
Still, some things are clear: Da Booties, The "Flying" Snakes™ and the Big Hair Kitties (Wait, didn't I say the Kitties got shaved last week? Hm. This might call for a new permanent nickname, as these are narratives of very heavy-duty proportions. This is indeed a problem for me to probosculate upon.) have joined The Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers as those who are not yet mathematically eliminated but who have the same chance of advancing to the playoffs as Maddog23 and ReFFi have of making sense in a forum post in the near future. (Hang on, guys, I know you saw your names and are confused, so I suggest you go get your mommies to explain to you what I was talking about when I referenced you. Just close the porn in your other window first, and clean up your kit a bit, too, maybe.) I'd say something real magnanimous and classy like "Hey, it was a good run" here, but, let's be honest, except for individual games it really wasn't, because sometimes that's what happens when you work in a meat grinder: sometimes it's your meat that gets ground.
Not clear is anything beyond the six bringing up the back of the pack. Keeping ahead of the bottom of the bell-curve and thereby still with an outside shot - the same kind of outside shot that, say, The Jarhead has at being a happy and well-adjusted member of society - is the Rabids. They managed to make it through their first round of The Gauntlet still holding on to their pride if not a winning record, and have a slightly easier stretch of games coming starting this week with the Kitties. Next in line are the Free Willys, currently at .500 but with a tough row to hoe with the Woodys, who will be angry after their Thrilling Overtime Loss to the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana. There's never a question that the Willys can bring the D - it's always a question of if their offense will carry their fair share of the load. And working to avoid their own .500 record are the Big Monkeys, who took care of business with Free Willy to give themselves a cushion for that final spot in the playoffs but are now staring at the stinking maw of the Bad Doggies as the meat in their Gauntlet Sandwich that continues in two games.
In the middle of the pack of playoff hunters comes our next group of three, The Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, the Jellystone Rangers and the Bloody Mess. Each sits with a pair of losses on the season - not bad for spots 5-7 in a playoff race. The Jellystoners started the first of their matching 4-game Gauntlets last time out with a good win over the Snakes™ that ought to feel a mite less Gauntletish today against Da Booty. The Bloody Mess got all Medieval on the Ungrateful Dead and now have the Snakes™ coming in, battered, bruised, but still the Snakes™ and still capable of opening a can despite their record. Finally, the Most Favored are staring down a second consecutive matchup with an undefeated who could make a run at the championship.
At the top, what started as four looking to complete the first half undefeated has shriveled almost as much as Aaron330's package since the 'roids. The Woodys dropped an overtime thriller to the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, leaving the race for the top spot looking more and more like those who predicted no team in the league would go undefeated were prescient in their conjectures. (Mom can help you all with some of those words, too. Look, mom - I told him to close the porn window first. What? He didn't? Well... it's no wonder they're so fixated, what with your adventures with the UPS delivery guy on the washing machine while he's home. Just because his porn is usually playing that loud on his computer speakers doesn't mean he doesn't occasionally notice the moaning isn't coming from in the right place.)
Of course, with three left staring at donuts in the loss column, the possibility of someone completing that undefeated season is still possible. The Hotheads, the Bad Doggies and the Dessert Carts are all on a mission to make the naysayers seem as clueless as our noted forum back-pedaler, HeadHunter from the Tar Babies. Each has their work cut out for them, though - Lion is still The Gauntlet, and it's not who drops last, it's who finishes first. And The Gauntlet continues for two of them today.
On to the main event. As always, the predictions are real but the snark is for your entertainment only. You've been warned.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - The Willys have to be still stinging after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in OT last week. The Willys are making big waves with that defense - nobody has scored more than 29. Irresistable force vs. immovable object? How 'bout we just say this should be another very entertaining game.
Prediction: Woodys lay lumber on the Willies, but it's going to be really low-scoring
Durban DesertHawks vs. Gabon Glocks - The Dessert Carts take a break and load up some more soft and creamy treats. How many stats can they pad?
Prediction: Dessert Carts pour it on but fail to score more than 255
South African Ratels vs. Pullman Sinsations - Rabids needed this three-game stretch just to regain their sanity. Although this is the Marine, so sanity is kind of a relative thing. Taking care of business today could put them in a tie for 9th place. Tuggers - I'm hoping this season is a chance for you all to tinker with the AI and think of more ways for me to incorporate Agent 99 and Anne Hathaway into more posts. Because 99 is a damn fine football player and Anne Hathaway is just plain damn fine.
Prediction: Rabids take the joy out of the Tug
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Namibia Wildehond - You have to love a conference where most of the games are like this. Both teams have playoff aspirations, one is making early plans for a home playoff game, and they're both looking over their shoulder at someone coming up fast behind them like a tourist walking through the wrong part of New York City at night. Big Monkeys are looking for a signature win this season; Big Doggies already have one to their credit. What do I want? To quote one of my best friends, "Wouldn't it be great right about now to see a monkey riding a dog, wearing a little cowboy hat, and some chaps, with a little six-shooter strapped around his waist?"
Prediction: Headline: Monkeys Get Done Doggy Style
African Fever vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Djibouti Booties - Hard times have fallen on Da Booty like cellulite on an old stripper, but they're still a dangerous team even playoff hopes shattered like the psyches of every man, woman and child who has ever rooted for the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. Jellystoners are on a nice roll since that rough 2-2 start, but they've only got one freebie left, and the rest are stages of The Gauntlet. Although if Da Booty doesn't start getting a little defensive shimmy to go with that offensive shake, they may find themselves demoted to Badonkadonkville.
Prediction: Jellystoners have a good toke after Booty call (I know, I've used "booty call a couple times already this season. You do the snark if it bothers you.)
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles Yet another high-powered battle in the Lion's den. The Snakes™ record is way worse than their talent level. so despite the fact that the outcome looks obvious from a matchup of records, it ain't going to be that easy. Bloody Mess ranks right up there with the best of the best in scoring defense; Snakes™ were just plain snakebit with their schedule; through 8 games, they've already played 6 of top 9 seeds. Here comes number 7.
Prediction: Snakes™ fly a little higher tonight
Comoros Lions vs. Zambia Zombies - Neither team has exactly had a season to remember in their first trip to AA. Two very similar teams, both from a results standpoint and from a put-together standpoint. What does that mean? This could be a good game. Just because it doesn't matter in the standings doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Doesn't mean it will be, either, but let's not start out by thinking negatively, here. Pollyanna has to have a place in this world, too.
Prediction: Ungrateful Dead leave Tuggers alone in the single-win club.
There you have it, kids, the Lion Conference as it will all come down, or did come down, depending on what time you're reading this. Although if it's yesterday, and you're reading it, get out of my head, creeper.
Play nice.
Still, try you will, but there is no try, only do, or do not.
And so far this season, we've figured out who the do nots are, although the dos are still difficult to see, as always in motion the future is.
Still, some things are clear: Da Booties, The "Flying" Snakes™ and the Big Hair Kitties (Wait, didn't I say the Kitties got shaved last week? Hm. This might call for a new permanent nickname, as these are narratives of very heavy-duty proportions. This is indeed a problem for me to probosculate upon.) have joined The Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers as those who are not yet mathematically eliminated but who have the same chance of advancing to the playoffs as Maddog23 and ReFFi have of making sense in a forum post in the near future. (Hang on, guys, I know you saw your names and are confused, so I suggest you go get your mommies to explain to you what I was talking about when I referenced you. Just close the porn in your other window first, and clean up your kit a bit, too, maybe.) I'd say something real magnanimous and classy like "Hey, it was a good run" here, but, let's be honest, except for individual games it really wasn't, because sometimes that's what happens when you work in a meat grinder: sometimes it's your meat that gets ground.
Not clear is anything beyond the six bringing up the back of the pack. Keeping ahead of the bottom of the bell-curve and thereby still with an outside shot - the same kind of outside shot that, say, The Jarhead has at being a happy and well-adjusted member of society - is the Rabids. They managed to make it through their first round of The Gauntlet still holding on to their pride if not a winning record, and have a slightly easier stretch of games coming starting this week with the Kitties. Next in line are the Free Willys, currently at .500 but with a tough row to hoe with the Woodys, who will be angry after their Thrilling Overtime Loss to the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana. There's never a question that the Willys can bring the D - it's always a question of if their offense will carry their fair share of the load. And working to avoid their own .500 record are the Big Monkeys, who took care of business with Free Willy to give themselves a cushion for that final spot in the playoffs but are now staring at the stinking maw of the Bad Doggies as the meat in their Gauntlet Sandwich that continues in two games.
In the middle of the pack of playoff hunters comes our next group of three, The Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, the Jellystone Rangers and the Bloody Mess. Each sits with a pair of losses on the season - not bad for spots 5-7 in a playoff race. The Jellystoners started the first of their matching 4-game Gauntlets last time out with a good win over the Snakes™ that ought to feel a mite less Gauntletish today against Da Booty. The Bloody Mess got all Medieval on the Ungrateful Dead and now have the Snakes™ coming in, battered, bruised, but still the Snakes™ and still capable of opening a can despite their record. Finally, the Most Favored are staring down a second consecutive matchup with an undefeated who could make a run at the championship.
At the top, what started as four looking to complete the first half undefeated has shriveled almost as much as Aaron330's package since the 'roids. The Woodys dropped an overtime thriller to the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, leaving the race for the top spot looking more and more like those who predicted no team in the league would go undefeated were prescient in their conjectures. (Mom can help you all with some of those words, too. Look, mom - I told him to close the porn window first. What? He didn't? Well... it's no wonder they're so fixated, what with your adventures with the UPS delivery guy on the washing machine while he's home. Just because his porn is usually playing that loud on his computer speakers doesn't mean he doesn't occasionally notice the moaning isn't coming from in the right place.)
Of course, with three left staring at donuts in the loss column, the possibility of someone completing that undefeated season is still possible. The Hotheads, the Bad Doggies and the Dessert Carts are all on a mission to make the naysayers seem as clueless as our noted forum back-pedaler, HeadHunter from the Tar Babies. Each has their work cut out for them, though - Lion is still The Gauntlet, and it's not who drops last, it's who finishes first. And The Gauntlet continues for two of them today.
On to the main event. As always, the predictions are real but the snark is for your entertainment only. You've been warned.
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - The Willys have to be still stinging after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in OT last week. The Willys are making big waves with that defense - nobody has scored more than 29. Irresistable force vs. immovable object? How 'bout we just say this should be another very entertaining game.
Prediction: Woodys lay lumber on the Willies, but it's going to be really low-scoring
Durban DesertHawks vs. Gabon Glocks - The Dessert Carts take a break and load up some more soft and creamy treats. How many stats can they pad?
Prediction: Dessert Carts pour it on but fail to score more than 255
South African Ratels vs. Pullman Sinsations - Rabids needed this three-game stretch just to regain their sanity. Although this is the Marine, so sanity is kind of a relative thing. Taking care of business today could put them in a tie for 9th place. Tuggers - I'm hoping this season is a chance for you all to tinker with the AI and think of more ways for me to incorporate Agent 99 and Anne Hathaway into more posts. Because 99 is a damn fine football player and Anne Hathaway is just plain damn fine.
Prediction: Rabids take the joy out of the Tug
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Namibia Wildehond - You have to love a conference where most of the games are like this. Both teams have playoff aspirations, one is making early plans for a home playoff game, and they're both looking over their shoulder at someone coming up fast behind them like a tourist walking through the wrong part of New York City at night. Big Monkeys are looking for a signature win this season; Big Doggies already have one to their credit. What do I want? To quote one of my best friends, "Wouldn't it be great right about now to see a monkey riding a dog, wearing a little cowboy hat, and some chaps, with a little six-shooter strapped around his waist?"
Prediction: Headline: Monkeys Get Done Doggy Style
African Fever vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Djibouti Booties - Hard times have fallen on Da Booty like cellulite on an old stripper, but they're still a dangerous team even playoff hopes shattered like the psyches of every man, woman and child who has ever rooted for the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. Jellystoners are on a nice roll since that rough 2-2 start, but they've only got one freebie left, and the rest are stages of The Gauntlet. Although if Da Booty doesn't start getting a little defensive shimmy to go with that offensive shake, they may find themselves demoted to Badonkadonkville.
Prediction: Jellystoners have a good toke after Booty call (I know, I've used "booty call a couple times already this season. You do the snark if it bothers you.)
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles Yet another high-powered battle in the Lion's den. The Snakes™ record is way worse than their talent level. so despite the fact that the outcome looks obvious from a matchup of records, it ain't going to be that easy. Bloody Mess ranks right up there with the best of the best in scoring defense; Snakes™ were just plain snakebit with their schedule; through 8 games, they've already played 6 of top 9 seeds. Here comes number 7.
Prediction: Snakes™ fly a little higher tonight
Comoros Lions vs. Zambia Zombies - Neither team has exactly had a season to remember in their first trip to AA. Two very similar teams, both from a results standpoint and from a put-together standpoint. What does that mean? This could be a good game. Just because it doesn't matter in the standings doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Doesn't mean it will be, either, but let's not start out by thinking negatively, here. Pollyanna has to have a place in this world, too.
Prediction: Ungrateful Dead leave Tuggers alone in the single-win club.
There you have it, kids, the Lion Conference as it will all come down, or did come down, depending on what time you're reading this. Although if it's yesterday, and you're reading it, get out of my head, creeper.
Play nice.
