Aaaaaaaaand, we're back.
When last we left our Pink Avenger, he was telling you how it was in the Lion Conference and watching his own Empire rack up the wins. That will teach me to miss a game prediction. However, we have now achieved Separation of the Classes, metaphorically speaking. Of course, with just over half the season left to play, few are truly out of contention - the Flying Snakes™, Da Booty, the Rabids and the Big Hair Kitties are glad to hear that - but their climb to get where they want to be is paved in KY Jelly and the sign on the side of their road says "Steep Grade, Trucks Prohibited". I actually used to use a street with a sign like that on a regular basis when I was a teenager - I would start at the top at a dead stop, let my foot off the brake of the '72 Nova and hit about 50MPH at the bottom without touching the gas. But there was no KY Jelly present, to my knowledge. Although one time I gave a ride to this chick named Kim, who was a friend but kind of slutty in one of those "damn, I want a turn" kind of ways that makes you stop thinking about how skanky it would be just long enough to enjoy it.
I digress.
Back to the Separation of the Classes. You've got the Gabon CPUs, who are going to be forcibly jettisoned to the bottom of the pack. We've also got the Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers, both of whom might benefit from a change of scenery in order to hone their skills for another shot. No offense, guys - and I'd miss Agent 99 something fierce - but I call 'em the way I see 'em.
We have four teams - four quality teams - sitting at 2-5 who could still make some noise, but for whom the KY Jelly applies, so to speak. Wow, that gets Freudian once you realize Da Booty is one of those teams. And the Snakes™, although sometimes a snake is just a Snake™. And The Kitties. Holy crap, the only team that doesn't make that all Freudian and whatnot is the Rabids, although you could argue that some of my exes are rabid themselves, although none of them makes me dream about cigars. So really, that's out.
Next, currently fighting it out for the last playoff spot at Positions 8 and 9 in your Lion Conference Kama Sutra, we have The Big Monkeys and Free Willy, both currently 4-3 and who could go either way. Hm. Still kinda Freudian. I wonder what it would look like if Fat Danny started doing the horizontal tango with Willy. Waiter? Check please - there's a really ugly monkey doing my Mahi Mahi.
Wow. I need to go poke out my mind's eye with a spork.
Moving up the ladder and hopefully out of the mental gutter, we have the Jellystone Rangers, the Bloody Mess and the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, all at 5-2. Each has their sights set on something bigger, but like my friend Kim would tell you, bigger isn't always what you get. The Jellystoners might have the tougher remaining schedule, but it ain't by much. The Bloody Mess has managed thus far not to get much on themselves while their defense has been making everyone they've played look like they've been eating... um... er... Spork, please. No matter how you look at it, all three teams have to hope for some help with the teams in the next tier.
At the top of the hill, you've got four teams - count 'em, four - still undefeated. The Hotheads, the Bad Doggies, the Woodys and the Dessert Carts are all sitting pretty at 7-0, waiting for the pack around them to thin out like Mango Fandango's hair. The Tasty After Dinner Treats failed to oblige in last week's game against The Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, eking out a narrow 3-point win. The Woodys and the Bad Doggies both laid the lumber to their opponents, while the Hotheads simply did their job. It's getting hot at the top, but in the end - and when you start a story with KY, it's always about the end, isn't it? - only one team can wind up undefeated.
Onward. Snark for entertainment, predictions real, blah blah, warned as per usual, et cetera, et cetera.
African Fever vs. Djibouti Booties - Oh, Da Booty, you've been shaken like a Polaroid picture, and I can't look at your team logo without a tear coming to my eye, although that's been true since Day 1. Now, though, it's just a sad tear - you've taken your team's record to depth previously only plumbed by leudecke_d in his quest for fine women. The Hotheads, on the other hand, are starting to sport a winning streak that has to be getting heavy to carry around, much like leudecke_d's balls on date night. What could have and should have been a good matchup is now only going to be a good for a mental picture that I'm sure 80% of you young brats will begin to flog the frog over:
Prediction: Hotheads spank Da Booty until they ask for more
Namibia Wildehond vs. Pullman Sinsations - The Tuggers have to just look at the schedule every other day and fire off hate mail PM after hate mail PM to Bort. Here comes yet another nasty team, pointed right at them like a loaded weapon, and there isn't much relief on the horizon. The Bad Doggies, fresh off a scrimmage that counts vs. the CPUs, are coming in rested, stat-padded and confident, and they were already capable of taking poor Agent 99 and bending her into whatever position they wanted to before having their way with her. This just ain't going to be pretty.
Prediction: They'll be doing it Doggie Style again
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick here. Wait, I see you all are already doing that in another thread. Carry on.
Durban DesertHawks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - I've figured out how the Dessert Carts are doing it, and I'm not telling. Do your own scouting. While Travian looks like he's come back to the same Nerfed DE planet as the rest of us, they keep racking up the wins, proving that while they may be a one-man show on defense, the offense has some teeth, which is weird because birds don't have teeth, and even more weird because neither do Dessert Carts, or "trolleys" as you over across the pond would call them. Free Willy has teeth, though, and proved they were ready for the Big Jump out of A5 when they sent the Big Monkeys packing last week. This game could be very, very good if I get my way. No, I'm not pouting about my last loss - I'm livid.
Prediction: Dessert Carts disappoint me again
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Zambia Zombies - The Bloody Mess just keeps on keeping on, no matter how improbably it looks. They've now got three -3 wins (if you don't know what I'm talking about, welcome to GLB, my name is Hello Vader and I'll be your host today) to their credit and don't look like they're slowing down. According to common GLB wisdom, the Ungrateful Dead should be a quality matchup here, but nothing about this season does anything for common GLB knowledge and anyone in this game claiming "wisdom" probably spells it "wizz dumb".
Prediction: Bloody Mess makes the Ungrateful look even more Dead
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - It's only a couple plays here and there that separates 5-2 from 2-5, and the Snakes™ can tell you all about that. Change the early schedule, make one bounce here or there go the other way. If, but, and, or; according to Conjunction Junction, they'll get you very far, but in GLB, they don't get you diddly. And Bo Knows Diddly. Unfortunately, the Jellystoners also know diddly because diddled is what they felt like until they got on this cute little winning streak they've put together. Of course, we all know I don't want it to continue, so you'll all excuse me while I dial up Aenigma (it's a local call) and beg him to quit screwing the pooch (wait... they already lost to the Bad Doggies) and get his "Players" together and get a Freaking Win™.
Prediction: The Flying Snakes™ need this one bad, and pull it out in the end (it's still about the end)
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Gabon CPUs - Your turn to DJPad some stats, gents. Get 'em while they're hot. And this game comes at just the right time for you all, because team-wise, hot you're not right now. A good one-game tune-up before the Dogs show up.
Prediction: Fat Danny says something sort of interesting and lacking proper punctuation
South African Ratels vs. Comoros Lions - Honey Badgers' season is starting to smell sort of like Honey Divers (look it up, I'm not going to turn this into a Leno act) in a hurry. That's a hell of a six-game stretch to open the conference season. Help is on the way, though, in the visages of the Big Hair Kitties, the Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers, all of whom have to be looking like a tasty snack on the schedule at this point. The Kitties have to be getting exhausted, with all the continuous pounding they're taking. How I missed the chance to make the uber-Freudian Big Hair Kitties vs. Tuggers prediction is kinda sad. I'll make up for it here.
Prediction: Rabids shave Kitties' Big Hair down to a landing strip
There you have it, kids - Week Eight in a nice, tight little package, courtesy of your Purveyor of Pink. I'm going home before I this Freudian mess of an update lands me on my therapist's couch for an unscheduled visit.
When last we left our Pink Avenger, he was telling you how it was in the Lion Conference and watching his own Empire rack up the wins. That will teach me to miss a game prediction. However, we have now achieved Separation of the Classes, metaphorically speaking. Of course, with just over half the season left to play, few are truly out of contention - the Flying Snakes™, Da Booty, the Rabids and the Big Hair Kitties are glad to hear that - but their climb to get where they want to be is paved in KY Jelly and the sign on the side of their road says "Steep Grade, Trucks Prohibited". I actually used to use a street with a sign like that on a regular basis when I was a teenager - I would start at the top at a dead stop, let my foot off the brake of the '72 Nova and hit about 50MPH at the bottom without touching the gas. But there was no KY Jelly present, to my knowledge. Although one time I gave a ride to this chick named Kim, who was a friend but kind of slutty in one of those "damn, I want a turn" kind of ways that makes you stop thinking about how skanky it would be just long enough to enjoy it.
I digress.
Back to the Separation of the Classes. You've got the Gabon CPUs, who are going to be forcibly jettisoned to the bottom of the pack. We've also got the Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers, both of whom might benefit from a change of scenery in order to hone their skills for another shot. No offense, guys - and I'd miss Agent 99 something fierce - but I call 'em the way I see 'em.
We have four teams - four quality teams - sitting at 2-5 who could still make some noise, but for whom the KY Jelly applies, so to speak. Wow, that gets Freudian once you realize Da Booty is one of those teams. And the Snakes™, although sometimes a snake is just a Snake™. And The Kitties. Holy crap, the only team that doesn't make that all Freudian and whatnot is the Rabids, although you could argue that some of my exes are rabid themselves, although none of them makes me dream about cigars. So really, that's out.
Next, currently fighting it out for the last playoff spot at Positions 8 and 9 in your Lion Conference Kama Sutra, we have The Big Monkeys and Free Willy, both currently 4-3 and who could go either way. Hm. Still kinda Freudian. I wonder what it would look like if Fat Danny started doing the horizontal tango with Willy. Waiter? Check please - there's a really ugly monkey doing my Mahi Mahi.
Wow. I need to go poke out my mind's eye with a spork.
Moving up the ladder and hopefully out of the mental gutter, we have the Jellystone Rangers, the Bloody Mess and the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, all at 5-2. Each has their sights set on something bigger, but like my friend Kim would tell you, bigger isn't always what you get. The Jellystoners might have the tougher remaining schedule, but it ain't by much. The Bloody Mess has managed thus far not to get much on themselves while their defense has been making everyone they've played look like they've been eating... um... er... Spork, please. No matter how you look at it, all three teams have to hope for some help with the teams in the next tier.
At the top of the hill, you've got four teams - count 'em, four - still undefeated. The Hotheads, the Bad Doggies, the Woodys and the Dessert Carts are all sitting pretty at 7-0, waiting for the pack around them to thin out like Mango Fandango's hair. The Tasty After Dinner Treats failed to oblige in last week's game against The Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana, eking out a narrow 3-point win. The Woodys and the Bad Doggies both laid the lumber to their opponents, while the Hotheads simply did their job. It's getting hot at the top, but in the end - and when you start a story with KY, it's always about the end, isn't it? - only one team can wind up undefeated.
Onward. Snark for entertainment, predictions real, blah blah, warned as per usual, et cetera, et cetera.
African Fever vs. Djibouti Booties - Oh, Da Booty, you've been shaken like a Polaroid picture, and I can't look at your team logo without a tear coming to my eye, although that's been true since Day 1. Now, though, it's just a sad tear - you've taken your team's record to depth previously only plumbed by leudecke_d in his quest for fine women. The Hotheads, on the other hand, are starting to sport a winning streak that has to be getting heavy to carry around, much like leudecke_d's balls on date night. What could have and should have been a good matchup is now only going to be a good for a mental picture that I'm sure 80% of you young brats will begin to flog the frog over:
Prediction: Hotheads spank Da Booty until they ask for more
Namibia Wildehond vs. Pullman Sinsations - The Tuggers have to just look at the schedule every other day and fire off hate mail PM after hate mail PM to Bort. Here comes yet another nasty team, pointed right at them like a loaded weapon, and there isn't much relief on the horizon. The Bad Doggies, fresh off a scrimmage that counts vs. the CPUs, are coming in rested, stat-padded and confident, and they were already capable of taking poor Agent 99 and bending her into whatever position they wanted to before having their way with her. This just ain't going to be pretty.
Prediction: They'll be doing it Doggie Style again
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Ghana Ashanti Empire - Game of the Week. Make your own pick here. Wait, I see you all are already doing that in another thread. Carry on.
Durban DesertHawks vs. Comoros Killer Whales - I've figured out how the Dessert Carts are doing it, and I'm not telling. Do your own scouting. While Travian looks like he's come back to the same Nerfed DE planet as the rest of us, they keep racking up the wins, proving that while they may be a one-man show on defense, the offense has some teeth, which is weird because birds don't have teeth, and even more weird because neither do Dessert Carts, or "trolleys" as you over across the pond would call them. Free Willy has teeth, though, and proved they were ready for the Big Jump out of A5 when they sent the Big Monkeys packing last week. This game could be very, very good if I get my way. No, I'm not pouting about my last loss - I'm livid.
Prediction: Dessert Carts disappoint me again
Monrovia Blood Diamonds vs. Zambia Zombies - The Bloody Mess just keeps on keeping on, no matter how improbably it looks. They've now got three -3 wins (if you don't know what I'm talking about, welcome to GLB, my name is Hello Vader and I'll be your host today) to their credit and don't look like they're slowing down. According to common GLB wisdom, the Ungrateful Dead should be a quality matchup here, but nothing about this season does anything for common GLB knowledge and anyone in this game claiming "wisdom" probably spells it "wizz dumb".
Prediction: Bloody Mess makes the Ungrateful look even more Dead
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles - It's only a couple plays here and there that separates 5-2 from 2-5, and the Snakes™ can tell you all about that. Change the early schedule, make one bounce here or there go the other way. If, but, and, or; according to Conjunction Junction, they'll get you very far, but in GLB, they don't get you diddly. And Bo Knows Diddly. Unfortunately, the Jellystoners also know diddly because diddled is what they felt like until they got on this cute little winning streak they've put together. Of course, we all know I don't want it to continue, so you'll all excuse me while I dial up Aenigma (it's a local call) and beg him to quit screwing the pooch (wait... they already lost to the Bad Doggies) and get his "Players" together and get a Freaking Win™.
Prediction: The Flying Snakes™ need this one bad, and pull it out in the end (it's still about the end)
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Gabon CPUs - Your turn to DJPad some stats, gents. Get 'em while they're hot. And this game comes at just the right time for you all, because team-wise, hot you're not right now. A good one-game tune-up before the Dogs show up.
Prediction: Fat Danny says something sort of interesting and lacking proper punctuation
South African Ratels vs. Comoros Lions - Honey Badgers' season is starting to smell sort of like Honey Divers (look it up, I'm not going to turn this into a Leno act) in a hurry. That's a hell of a six-game stretch to open the conference season. Help is on the way, though, in the visages of the Big Hair Kitties, the Ungrateful Dead and the Tuggers, all of whom have to be looking like a tasty snack on the schedule at this point. The Kitties have to be getting exhausted, with all the continuous pounding they're taking. How I missed the chance to make the uber-Freudian Big Hair Kitties vs. Tuggers prediction is kinda sad. I'll make up for it here.
Prediction: Rabids shave Kitties' Big Hair down to a landing strip
There you have it, kids - Week Eight in a nice, tight little package, courtesy of your Purveyor of Pink. I'm going home before I this Freudian mess of an update lands me on my therapist's couch for an unscheduled visit.
