Warrior General Games

Guy is playing tennis with a friend when he complains that his elbow is hurting.

"Guess I need to go to a doctor." He said.

"No. Don't spend all that money. All you have to do is take a urine sample down to Wal-Mart. They have a new machine that can diagnose your ailments." His friend said.

"Really? I'll give it a try."

So he goes home and takes and fills up a mason jar and heads to Wal-Mart.

He pours the urine into the machine. Inserts $10 and waits. The machine starts beeping and then spits out a ticket. He takes the ticket and it reads,

"You have tennis elbow. Go to aisle 9 and get an Icy Hot elbow patch and a small brace. You will be fine in the next few weeks."

He thinks to himself, "This is amazing technology! I wonder if I can fool it."

So, he goes home and starts making a concoction to try to fool the machine. He takes tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and just for the hell of it he throws in a sperm sample from himself.

He takes the concoction down to Wal-Mart and loads it into the machine. The machine starts beeping and buzzing and he starts to think to himself that he confused the machine. All of a sudden, a ticket pops out.

It reads, "Your tap water is too hard. You need a water softener and those are in aisle 3. Your dog has worms. Go to aisle 12 and get an anti-fungal medication for your dog. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. Your wife is having twins. They are not yours, get a lawyer. Your tennis elbow will never heal if you don't stop playing with yourself! Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart."

LMAO good one

Q. How did the blonde break her arm?

A. She fell out of the tree, trying to rake leaves.

First one Hilarous, 2nd just as funny!

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the

customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently

suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I

type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just

one? '

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean

way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's

because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it

licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it

up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to

the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

I completely agree with the operator. Lol

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?











Dre.

Two guys go fishing. As they're in the boat fishing, one decides he wants to smoke but he can't find his lighter. So he asks his friend and he says his lighter is in the backpack. He reachs in and pulls out the biggest lighter he's ever seen. He says, "Man, this is the biggest lighter ever! Where did you get it?" His friend says, "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie!?" "Yeah, he's inside the empty Jack Daniels bottle." So he pulls out the bottle and opens it and a really old genie comes out and says "I can grant you a wish!" His friend thinks about it for a second and says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Soon the sky is just litered with ducks everywhere and the guy says, "Man, this sucks... I wished for a million bucks, not ducks!" And the other guy says, "Yeah, I know... the genie is old and hard of hearing. You think I wished for the worlds biggest Bic?"

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

^^^ Amen Brutha

A pirate balks into a bar and order himself a pint. The bartender starts to pull him a pint when he notices something weird. He hands the pirate his beer and says, "You know you have a steering wheel hanging from the fly of your pants?". To which the pirate replies, "Aaargh! Its drivin' me nuts!"

And an oldie but a goodie. Just in time for Christmas. Enjoy...

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.” The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing—

Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!