People are always asking me, the GREAT Juaneyed Wanker to play golf. The No. 1 whine among our whiney-ass Mont-Laurier Nordiques fans is still "Juaneyed, are we gonna win a championship this year?," But the No. 2 whine is probably "Juaneyed, when you goin' to come down and play some golf with us Mont-Laurier Nordiques supporters down here at the Country Club?" or some other god-forsaken place. I usually get the secretary to call back and say "Juaneyed don't play golf but he will come down to the Country Club and By GOD kick the ass of every damn member in the parking lot." That has cut down on the requests somewhat.
But we get down to Destin and jonhy885 stands up and says everybody has to play golf. I say "I ain't by god playing," and he says "we will fine any player who does not participate in Media Days or the M-NL Meeting Coaches' Scramble a total of $10,000." Well, hell. I read where TheRossimal was making 1.8 million dollars. I read where Eric Q Metcalf was making $2 million, which is a BY-GOD improvement over his days as a catfish fry cook if you ask me. But I ain't making that kind of money. Mont-Laurier Nordiques is paying me $12.75 an hour, plus 32 cents a mile on the Sedan De Ville. If I wasn't getting a $25 rebate per tackle from some of the Mont-Laurier Nordiques supporters, Mrs. Wanker couldn't even afford to get her hair done every Saturday. Hell, I'm still sending little Tojo Yamamoteaux Wanker to the second grade wearing the left-behind practice shoes from all the LILY-LIVERED WORTHLESS COWARDS who quit Mont-Laurier Nordiques football in fall camp. So little Tojo has plenty of shoes, although they don't fit unless we stuff some of my old ripped-shirt shreds in there.
"Anyway, point is I can't pay no fine. So I head on out to the golf course.
"Here is one thing I don't like about golf. First, they hand me a bag full of metal sticks, some with big wood knob-heads on 'em. That's fine. Then I get a pair of spiked shoes. I like that, too. But then, instead of doing what any REAL RED-BLOODED FOOTBALL LOVIN' INDIVIDUAL should do, which is take those clubs, beat your opponent into a three-day concussion and then STOMP HIS Eastern Europe lovin' ASS with those spiked shoes, you can't do that. It is downright frowned upon. Instead, you have to hit some white ball that I don't even like to call a ball because it bears NO RESEMBLENCE to a BY-GOD football which is BY GOD the only ball worth being called a ball.
But I go up to the start and they say I am paired with our qb TheRossimal. He says "You proceed, Juaneyed." They explain that the main rule is to put this "ball" in a hole. So I step up, take the biggest club (which is still sorta puny) in both hands, pull it back over my head 'til it's touching my ankles, then come all the way over the top and hit that ball just perfect. Drive it straight down into the ground.
"There, it's in a hole," I say, and write a "1" on my scorecard.
"No, no, Juaneyed," that sissy-ass Rossimal says. "That's not right. Watch me."
Well, he steps up and whomps that ball and it goes about 250 yards. I don't say nothing, but I'm pretty impressed. Then he goes up and finds it and whomps it again, but only about 80 yards. "Hell, he's losin' steam already," I think. Then, on the third time, he barely whomps it all, only 10 or 15 yards. "Damn quarterbacks," I say. "You're all WORTHLESS and WEAK!" But he's got this ball within about five yards of this hole, and he says "You just watch, you big meanie. I'm going to putt this ball right in."
I say "You mean if you knock this ball in that hole, you score and win the game?"
"That's right," he says.
Well hell, I step up, hand both my beers back to the beer-cart girl, rip off my shirt and say "Well, I will be DAMNED if I am going to stand here and let your sorry quarterback ass score on JUANEYED BY-GOD WANKER and the Mont-Laurier Nordiques without playin' a little BY-GOD DEFENSE HERE!" So I get down in the four-point stance in front of the hole and say "TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!"
Hell, he don't even hit it hard. So I tackle the ball easy, get up, head butt the caddy into unconsciousness, then I turn to Rossimal and say "Hell, boy, I'll give you three more downs. BRING IT AGAIN!"
Instead, he drives off and gets jonhy885 and they sit there and talk about 45 minutes, during which time I remain on my knuckles in four-point stance because it PISSES ME OFF to be fooled by any misdirection! But they finally say "Juaneyed, we have decided to exempt you from the remainder of the golf tournament and let you go back to the hotel bar."
"Well, it is getting hot out here," I says. "Plus, there are some fine-looking athletes at the baby pool who need to be OFFERED A CONTRACT to M-LN, if they are BY-GOD Mont-Laurier Nordique MATERIAL."
So I walk over, shake hands with Rossimal and tell him "One other thing, son, we're going to Western Europe this year and kick some WORTHLESS Burnt Orange Rising ASS!"
"what are you talking about, Juan?" Rossimal says. "Burnt Orange Rising isn't even on our schedule this year."
"Who said anything about schedule?" I said. "What I said was WE ARE GOING TO WESTERN EUROPE TO KICK THEIR ASS. We got a team plane at Mont-Laurier and it ain't doin' nothin' on Tuesday nights or Sunday mornings. So you just get your ass ready, 'cause we're coming - and bringin' PURE-D HELL with us."
So that was what things were like in Destin. I'm glad to be back in Candada. I'm glad it's getting BY-GOD THIRTEEN-DEGREE HOT around here. We're starting three-a-day practices next week and if GLB doesn't like it, well, they can come tell me to my face.
But we get down to Destin and jonhy885 stands up and says everybody has to play golf. I say "I ain't by god playing," and he says "we will fine any player who does not participate in Media Days or the M-NL Meeting Coaches' Scramble a total of $10,000." Well, hell. I read where TheRossimal was making 1.8 million dollars. I read where Eric Q Metcalf was making $2 million, which is a BY-GOD improvement over his days as a catfish fry cook if you ask me. But I ain't making that kind of money. Mont-Laurier Nordiques is paying me $12.75 an hour, plus 32 cents a mile on the Sedan De Ville. If I wasn't getting a $25 rebate per tackle from some of the Mont-Laurier Nordiques supporters, Mrs. Wanker couldn't even afford to get her hair done every Saturday. Hell, I'm still sending little Tojo Yamamoteaux Wanker to the second grade wearing the left-behind practice shoes from all the LILY-LIVERED WORTHLESS COWARDS who quit Mont-Laurier Nordiques football in fall camp. So little Tojo has plenty of shoes, although they don't fit unless we stuff some of my old ripped-shirt shreds in there.
"Anyway, point is I can't pay no fine. So I head on out to the golf course.
"Here is one thing I don't like about golf. First, they hand me a bag full of metal sticks, some with big wood knob-heads on 'em. That's fine. Then I get a pair of spiked shoes. I like that, too. But then, instead of doing what any REAL RED-BLOODED FOOTBALL LOVIN' INDIVIDUAL should do, which is take those clubs, beat your opponent into a three-day concussion and then STOMP HIS Eastern Europe lovin' ASS with those spiked shoes, you can't do that. It is downright frowned upon. Instead, you have to hit some white ball that I don't even like to call a ball because it bears NO RESEMBLENCE to a BY-GOD football which is BY GOD the only ball worth being called a ball.
But I go up to the start and they say I am paired with our qb TheRossimal. He says "You proceed, Juaneyed." They explain that the main rule is to put this "ball" in a hole. So I step up, take the biggest club (which is still sorta puny) in both hands, pull it back over my head 'til it's touching my ankles, then come all the way over the top and hit that ball just perfect. Drive it straight down into the ground.
"There, it's in a hole," I say, and write a "1" on my scorecard.
"No, no, Juaneyed," that sissy-ass Rossimal says. "That's not right. Watch me."
Well, he steps up and whomps that ball and it goes about 250 yards. I don't say nothing, but I'm pretty impressed. Then he goes up and finds it and whomps it again, but only about 80 yards. "Hell, he's losin' steam already," I think. Then, on the third time, he barely whomps it all, only 10 or 15 yards. "Damn quarterbacks," I say. "You're all WORTHLESS and WEAK!" But he's got this ball within about five yards of this hole, and he says "You just watch, you big meanie. I'm going to putt this ball right in."
I say "You mean if you knock this ball in that hole, you score and win the game?"
"That's right," he says.
Well hell, I step up, hand both my beers back to the beer-cart girl, rip off my shirt and say "Well, I will be DAMNED if I am going to stand here and let your sorry quarterback ass score on JUANEYED BY-GOD WANKER and the Mont-Laurier Nordiques without playin' a little BY-GOD DEFENSE HERE!" So I get down in the four-point stance in front of the hole and say "TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!"
Hell, he don't even hit it hard. So I tackle the ball easy, get up, head butt the caddy into unconsciousness, then I turn to Rossimal and say "Hell, boy, I'll give you three more downs. BRING IT AGAIN!"
Instead, he drives off and gets jonhy885 and they sit there and talk about 45 minutes, during which time I remain on my knuckles in four-point stance because it PISSES ME OFF to be fooled by any misdirection! But they finally say "Juaneyed, we have decided to exempt you from the remainder of the golf tournament and let you go back to the hotel bar."
"Well, it is getting hot out here," I says. "Plus, there are some fine-looking athletes at the baby pool who need to be OFFERED A CONTRACT to M-LN, if they are BY-GOD Mont-Laurier Nordique MATERIAL."
So I walk over, shake hands with Rossimal and tell him "One other thing, son, we're going to Western Europe this year and kick some WORTHLESS Burnt Orange Rising ASS!"
"what are you talking about, Juan?" Rossimal says. "Burnt Orange Rising isn't even on our schedule this year."
"Who said anything about schedule?" I said. "What I said was WE ARE GOING TO WESTERN EUROPE TO KICK THEIR ASS. We got a team plane at Mont-Laurier and it ain't doin' nothin' on Tuesday nights or Sunday mornings. So you just get your ass ready, 'cause we're coming - and bringin' PURE-D HELL with us."
So that was what things were like in Destin. I'm glad to be back in Candada. I'm glad it's getting BY-GOD THIRTEEN-DEGREE HOT around here. We're starting three-a-day practices next week and if GLB doesn't like it, well, they can come tell me to my face.
