Originally posted by oddibemcd
Originally posted by KtOwnsYou
alright ill go for it:
ayy we da stoners
we fuck dem hoes before gametime
we shoot dem nikkas heads till they drop dead
ya know how we roll down the field and score that touchdown on ya mom
1 handed grab on her ass. in da locker rooms it smells like axe
ya u know how we roll when we down by 3.
we go down the field and score that touchdown for the victory
when our qb drops back from the pocket.
they sent out the rush but they too slow to catch him
and too slow to sack him.
we do that pump fake shit and hold up our dicks.
prepare to be stoned cuz you will be kicked
by ourrrrrrrr kickerrrrrrrrrrr
and when our linebacker sents out the blitz
yo main man jerome says hes afraid of takin a hit
I have witnessed amputations less painful than this. There is no meter to this.
There is no rhythm to this.
And, to add insult to injury, I believe you attempted a product placement for Axe body spray. Most guys move up to cologne at some point. While you reference digitally manipulating your phallic symbol like it was bigger than a thimble, you miss the very obvious rhyme of "Stoner" with another reference to the male anatomy.
Moreover, your rap was merely a putdown, there was very little self adulation outside of mutual masturbation and old woman penetration while in your face is salivation cause that bitch may be droppin her lactation...sorry I get carried away sometimes. But, the point remains, try to be a little more positive and less vulgar.
There are a couple of instances where you attempted inter-lyrical rhymes (heads-dead; ass-axe; shit-dicks), but you used near-rhymes, which generally only complement the end of a stanza, not for inter-lyrical coupling.
For example, you can start something like this:
Out of the Natti in O-hi-O
Niggas will cry getting hit with the flow
Head be spinning from the vertigo
Fuck Ringling Brothers, I'm the greatest show.
I know where I'm from, down with my rootz
Kyle Cook can't run with Olin Cruetz
Call me Windows, cause my dick just reboots
And the ladies love me cause I got ph4t l3wtz.
Just like you chickens hate getting stoned
As much as your women love getting boned
You couldn't beat us if you tried getting cloned
All of your asses the Nati will own.
(See, here I can use a near rhyme. This is because d is a vocal stop, quickly ending each line, while n is a continuant, allowing the word that ends with n to closely resemble the words that ended with d. If you utilize this technique, I would then advocate moving into a new rhyming scheme after the utilization of a near rhyme.)
LOL... This is why I stick with haiku...
Originally posted by KtOwnsYou
alright ill go for it:
ayy we da stoners
we fuck dem hoes before gametime
we shoot dem nikkas heads till they drop dead
ya know how we roll down the field and score that touchdown on ya mom
1 handed grab on her ass. in da locker rooms it smells like axe
ya u know how we roll when we down by 3.
we go down the field and score that touchdown for the victory
when our qb drops back from the pocket.
they sent out the rush but they too slow to catch him
and too slow to sack him.
we do that pump fake shit and hold up our dicks.
prepare to be stoned cuz you will be kicked
by ourrrrrrrr kickerrrrrrrrrrr
and when our linebacker sents out the blitz
yo main man jerome says hes afraid of takin a hit
I have witnessed amputations less painful than this. There is no meter to this.
There is no rhythm to this.
And, to add insult to injury, I believe you attempted a product placement for Axe body spray. Most guys move up to cologne at some point. While you reference digitally manipulating your phallic symbol like it was bigger than a thimble, you miss the very obvious rhyme of "Stoner" with another reference to the male anatomy.
Moreover, your rap was merely a putdown, there was very little self adulation outside of mutual masturbation and old woman penetration while in your face is salivation cause that bitch may be droppin her lactation...sorry I get carried away sometimes. But, the point remains, try to be a little more positive and less vulgar.
There are a couple of instances where you attempted inter-lyrical rhymes (heads-dead; ass-axe; shit-dicks), but you used near-rhymes, which generally only complement the end of a stanza, not for inter-lyrical coupling.
For example, you can start something like this:
Out of the Natti in O-hi-O
Niggas will cry getting hit with the flow
Head be spinning from the vertigo
Fuck Ringling Brothers, I'm the greatest show.
I know where I'm from, down with my rootz
Kyle Cook can't run with Olin Cruetz
Call me Windows, cause my dick just reboots
And the ladies love me cause I got ph4t l3wtz.
Just like you chickens hate getting stoned
As much as your women love getting boned
You couldn't beat us if you tried getting cloned
All of your asses the Nati will own.
(See, here I can use a near rhyme. This is because d is a vocal stop, quickly ending each line, while n is a continuant, allowing the word that ends with n to closely resemble the words that ended with d. If you utilize this technique, I would then advocate moving into a new rhyming scheme after the utilization of a near rhyme.)
LOL... This is why I stick with haiku...
