Ever since he left the UN, Freddie Mitchell has been preparing for a future role as a full-time analyst for ESPN Africa. In the meantime, he will be contributing a periodic breakdown of his favorite players currently tearing up his personal stomping ground, the African Pro League.
"How's Season 14 treating you guys? I have a comfy bit role on the 3-1 Rhodesia Ratels, meaning that I spend practice nursing my "injuries" by receiving some massage therapy from our cheerleading squad, and I spend film sessions creating "home movies" with said cheerleaders. That's what those things are for, right? I'm the black Ron Jeremy, with twice the flash and minus the 'stache. Not a bad life if I may say so myself."
"Here's my current, unscientific breakdown of my favorite APL players as of now."
Five purple fedoras
Freddy McFarkleberry "The Last Gunfighter", Ghost Riders in the Sky - "This man is old enough to have played against the UN, and he's still a special teams MVP candidate. Why not me, you ask? Well, McFarkleberry is obviously using steroids. Now I don't have a problem with this; what a man does with needles and their ass is their own business, especially after that time I walked in on D3 reenacting Brokeback Mountain in the UN showers. Whew, that's an unpleasant memory. Anyways, I don't use steroids, because I have to, you know, perform off the field as well."
Freddie Mitchell, Rhodesia Ratels - "This sleeper MVP candidate brings home one out of every three catches for a TD, while doing extensive work as a decoy and run blocker, facilitating his team's success. The Ratels would surely be a paltry 0-4 without the astounding work of new acquisition Freddie Mitchell."
Four clock necklaces
Dustin SpeedySloth, Swaziland Semnikati - "A surprise pick, you say? The man has rushed for 611 yards on 73 carries, for an 8.4 YPC average. That earns you the Sultan's respect. Great players like us get robbed of opportunities to prove ourselves sometimes, like when I played for Dakar, when I played for ABD, when I played for Edinburgh, and when I played for the UN. You gotta get yours when you get the chance, or else you'll get blackballed. Cold world out there, kids."
Three diamond studded rings
LB U, District 9 Prawns - "22 sacks and four forced fumbles? That's 26 game changing defensive plays in just four games. Hey, four, 26, that reminds me of something. LB U's agent is a Wisconsin fan, and I think this thing I'm thinking of happened against a team from Wisconsin. Can you help me out?"
Two top dolla hoes
"Right after I finish this column, ladies. Fred-XXX is not appropriate for a family site."
One pimp slap of shame
Dirty Dirt Diggler, Under a bridge somewhere - "I saw my old friend the other day, looked horrible, just begging for a dime so he could buy some food to get him through the day. I gave it to him, but alas, he fumbled it, and a small monkey picked it up and returned it for a touchdown."
"How's Season 14 treating you guys? I have a comfy bit role on the 3-1 Rhodesia Ratels, meaning that I spend practice nursing my "injuries" by receiving some massage therapy from our cheerleading squad, and I spend film sessions creating "home movies" with said cheerleaders. That's what those things are for, right? I'm the black Ron Jeremy, with twice the flash and minus the 'stache. Not a bad life if I may say so myself."
"Here's my current, unscientific breakdown of my favorite APL players as of now."
Five purple fedoras
Freddy McFarkleberry "The Last Gunfighter", Ghost Riders in the Sky - "This man is old enough to have played against the UN, and he's still a special teams MVP candidate. Why not me, you ask? Well, McFarkleberry is obviously using steroids. Now I don't have a problem with this; what a man does with needles and their ass is their own business, especially after that time I walked in on D3 reenacting Brokeback Mountain in the UN showers. Whew, that's an unpleasant memory. Anyways, I don't use steroids, because I have to, you know, perform off the field as well."
Freddie Mitchell, Rhodesia Ratels - "This sleeper MVP candidate brings home one out of every three catches for a TD, while doing extensive work as a decoy and run blocker, facilitating his team's success. The Ratels would surely be a paltry 0-4 without the astounding work of new acquisition Freddie Mitchell."
Four clock necklaces
Dustin SpeedySloth, Swaziland Semnikati - "A surprise pick, you say? The man has rushed for 611 yards on 73 carries, for an 8.4 YPC average. That earns you the Sultan's respect. Great players like us get robbed of opportunities to prove ourselves sometimes, like when I played for Dakar, when I played for ABD, when I played for Edinburgh, and when I played for the UN. You gotta get yours when you get the chance, or else you'll get blackballed. Cold world out there, kids."
Three diamond studded rings
LB U, District 9 Prawns - "22 sacks and four forced fumbles? That's 26 game changing defensive plays in just four games. Hey, four, 26, that reminds me of something. LB U's agent is a Wisconsin fan, and I think this thing I'm thinking of happened against a team from Wisconsin. Can you help me out?"
Two top dolla hoes
"Right after I finish this column, ladies. Fred-XXX is not appropriate for a family site."
One pimp slap of shame
Dirty Dirt Diggler, Under a bridge somewhere - "I saw my old friend the other day, looked horrible, just begging for a dime so he could buy some food to get him through the day. I gave it to him, but alas, he fumbled it, and a small monkey picked it up and returned it for a touchdown."
Edited by FredEx on Feb 17, 2010 00:05:16
Edited by FredEx on Feb 17, 2010 00:04:26
Edited by FredEx on Feb 17, 2010 00:01:57
wat's with this guy?
