What time is it, boys and girls? That's right - it's time for Darth Pinky Sez!, the show where Darth Pinky tells you exactly how this week's worth of games will go, you complain about it, it turns out within margin of error to be just the way he told you, and you bitch about his lack of respect for your loser team afterward. So, without further ado, your host and star, unequaled in sheer masculinity, unapproachable in acumen, and most of all proud of his utter humility, Darth Pinky!
The audience rises, as one, in thunderous applause. Grown men shed tears of adulation while standing at rapt attention, trucker caps with stains of unknown origin doffed from their brows and held in respect over their hearts. The usual MILF hotties, long since out of panties to throw, simply bum rush the set, where the security team, prepared for the onslaught of raw cougarliciousness, stand in military riot gear, arms locked to prevent unauthorized access to the host. Barely-legal day-ums either scream in pre-orgasmic delight at the thought of merely being in his general vicinity, or begin to line up in front of the security entrance while hiking their skirts up to belt-like proportions, IDs in hand, hoping to be one of the lucky few that will be ushered backstage to meet with He Who Knows What Pink Is All About after the show.
Welcome back, boys and girls! It's been another exciting week in AA3, with the opening round of the playoffs holding a couple surprise outcomes, a near-upset of monolithic proportions, a couple of newcomers advancing to the conference semis and some exciting games all around. Let's review:
First, the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers thwarted an All A5 semi in the Lion Conference by doing what they do best - score points on defense - in a 33-20 defeat of the Rabids. Now, the Marine has to be absolutely galled by the fact that he was done in by what his own team does best - play defense and control the ball. You just can't write off what happened here, because the Rabids have been that good, and after last season's playoff run, they had to be thinking conference finals. With any luck, Marine, I will not have to put up with your defense next season. We'll see how things work out on both our ends.
Next, in what would have been a conference-changing upset had they managed to pull it all the way off, the Bloody Mess took the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana into overtime before bowing out of the dance, 23-20. Saying it's that big an upset isn't intended to diminish the quality of Steamin' Willie's steamin' teamin', but to emphasize how dramatic a turnaround the outcome was from the first meeting between these teams. The overtime victory by my own squad was enough to give me the hives. You can tell if you look really close at my avatar; they're visible at normal resolutions through the body armor.
In the 4-5 matchup, the Big Monkeys showed they're ready to play the part of the 800 pound gorilla, at least for one day, by taking it to the Flying Snakes™ in ways that must remind Aenigma and crew of beatings they used to shell out way back in the rookie days of A5. For one day, Fat Danny and company are "geniuses" after holding Rax™ and Radd mostly in check. Let's see what happens in this week's matchup.
Finally in Lion, the Number 1 seeded Jellystone Rangers dialed up the defense and ground out a hard-nosed win against the Bad Doggies to avenge their only loss on the season. After pulling within a single score in the fourth quarter, the Doggies watched their hopes get dinked and dunked down the drain as Rock Monster and his crew of "I don't care if it's only 6 yards, the ball keeps moving" team players marched the length of the field to put the game out of reach, and then succumbed to the Jellystoners' smothering defense. It's enough to make a guy start game-planning games in advance, I tell you what. Not that I would ever look beyond the game at hand.
In the Bastard Son conference, the Tar Babies opened a Briar Patch-sized can of whoop-ass on the Tropical Depressions, sending them back to the drawing board for Season 10. Granted, it was a 1 vs. 8 matchup, but I don't think many would expect a playoff team to lose by 10 scores. Ouch. Keep at it, Sandbabies. You made it out of A5, you'll make... um... whatever. Onward.
In the 4 vs. 5 matchup, the Geographically Challenged Landed Gentry won the right to become the Tar Babies' next sacrificial lamb en route to a march to their silver cup. Really, I just don't know anything about you all, and I still don't care. Beat the Tar Babies and I'll gladly sit up, take notice, write a formal apology and all kinds of nice-sounding things about your team.
In the bottom bracket of the Redheaded Stepchild conference, the Flush showed the 1337z who is really 1337 by scoring at will and handing them a 58-10 prison rape scene loss. While the 1337z aren't so 1337 this s3@z0n, there's also no r3@z0n to a$$um3 things will change dramatically by next, either. They'll keep pushing on. Meanwhile, the Flush are priming for a shot at the jump to Triple Aces.
Last, and possibly even least, The Train To Nowhere made a few pit-stops against the Skinnies but still managed to hang on for a 31-27 victory that was sort of like it sounds: kinda close, sort of not, but mildly entertaining.
Wow. I've now done not only predictions but recaps on four Inferior Conference games, and hung onto my wits by a thread. Hopefully, I'll also survive HeadHunter offering to drive to my house to fight me on my front lawn, as well. Because we all know that offering to fight someone for making predictions on a dot football game is what all well-adjusted people do. And now, after using the words "HeadHunter" and "well-adjusted" in the same paragraphs, I think we'd all agree it's time to move on to the part of the show you all want to see - The Prediction Segment®™!
Before we begin, as always, the standard disclaimer about my snarky commentary about your crappy team and your resultant poor widdle hurt feewings being for the amusement of others only applies, as does the fact that commentary aside, the predictions are real.
Onward.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - I'm never going to get tired of this rivalry, which dates all the way back to the glory days of Africa A5, Season 5, Lion Conference, still The Single Toughest Expansion Conference Ever Assembled to our Collective Knowledge. Let's recall that during that season, the Big Monkeys finished #3, behind the Alexandria Very Goods and the Mozambique Chefs, both now RIP, and that the Jellystoners just barely made the playoffs. All that is ancient history, now, since the Jellystoners have risen like cream to the top of something very high and sticky, while the rest of us try desperately just to catch up. Still, in an "anything can happen" world, this might be another case of "can" win and "will" win - I don't believe there's anything Fat Danny and his Minions of Evil can't do, except maybe get Brandon Jacobs to have a good game against the Ghana run defense.
Prediction: Big Monkeys can't climb over Rock Monster as Jellystoners advance
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Combat Wombats - in someting of a surprise outcome, the Butt Tunnelers backed up that cartilege-based badonkadonk and made roadkill out of the Rabids. That's one opportunistic defense, boys and girls - opportunistic in the same way that a college boy is opportunistic when a barely-conscious, drunken Michigan coed shows up on his doorstep dressed in socks. It was a low-scoring affair between these two teams earlier in the season; this time I think we'll turn on the Advanced AI on at least one side of the ball.
Prediction: This game will be played in Stade Kumasi and will finish sometime before 5PM Mountain DST.
Tar River Pirates vs. New York Kingsmen - Arrrr, matey, I'm HeadHunter and I think I'll pick a fight with random strangers and then hand out my home address, which may or may not exist! Arrrrrr! Whatever. This game bores me, so the best I can do is mock HeadHunter yet again. I think that's three times in this episode. I must be rusty - it should have been more.
Prediction: Tar Babies roll, turning Landed Gentry into Begging Peasants
Rundu Rhino Rush vs. Rock and Roll Express - Well, here we are, a season after I figured the Flush would be at this point. So either I'm omniscient and just over-shot my target, or they're too damn slow to keep up with me. Either way, this week they've got the Train to Nowhere, and just to be nice to Dragon - who, oddly enough, is never really all that angry when we talk - I'm going to go ahead and predict that this will be a relatively low-scoring affair, because it's Dragon's defense, and, well, I guess that's about it. Otherwise, I just don't care that much about this conference, and my eyes are starting to bleed from having to think about them this much.
Prediction: Flush send the Train back down the tracks
Well kids, there you have it - another playoff edition of Darth Pinky Sez!, all wrapped up and ready for your consumption and adulation. Please, remember - money is accepted, though I prefer cash only, and in small, untraceable denominations.
Play nice. Pinky, out.
The audience rises, as one, in thunderous applause. Grown men shed tears of adulation while standing at rapt attention, trucker caps with stains of unknown origin doffed from their brows and held in respect over their hearts. The usual MILF hotties, long since out of panties to throw, simply bum rush the set, where the security team, prepared for the onslaught of raw cougarliciousness, stand in military riot gear, arms locked to prevent unauthorized access to the host. Barely-legal day-ums either scream in pre-orgasmic delight at the thought of merely being in his general vicinity, or begin to line up in front of the security entrance while hiking their skirts up to belt-like proportions, IDs in hand, hoping to be one of the lucky few that will be ushered backstage to meet with He Who Knows What Pink Is All About after the show.
Welcome back, boys and girls! It's been another exciting week in AA3, with the opening round of the playoffs holding a couple surprise outcomes, a near-upset of monolithic proportions, a couple of newcomers advancing to the conference semis and some exciting games all around. Let's review:
First, the Geographically Challenged Butt Tunnelers thwarted an All A5 semi in the Lion Conference by doing what they do best - score points on defense - in a 33-20 defeat of the Rabids. Now, the Marine has to be absolutely galled by the fact that he was done in by what his own team does best - play defense and control the ball. You just can't write off what happened here, because the Rabids have been that good, and after last season's playoff run, they had to be thinking conference finals. With any luck, Marine, I will not have to put up with your defense next season. We'll see how things work out on both our ends.
Next, in what would have been a conference-changing upset had they managed to pull it all the way off, the Bloody Mess took the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana into overtime before bowing out of the dance, 23-20. Saying it's that big an upset isn't intended to diminish the quality of Steamin' Willie's steamin' teamin', but to emphasize how dramatic a turnaround the outcome was from the first meeting between these teams. The overtime victory by my own squad was enough to give me the hives. You can tell if you look really close at my avatar; they're visible at normal resolutions through the body armor.
In the 4-5 matchup, the Big Monkeys showed they're ready to play the part of the 800 pound gorilla, at least for one day, by taking it to the Flying Snakes™ in ways that must remind Aenigma and crew of beatings they used to shell out way back in the rookie days of A5. For one day, Fat Danny and company are "geniuses" after holding Rax™ and Radd mostly in check. Let's see what happens in this week's matchup.
Finally in Lion, the Number 1 seeded Jellystone Rangers dialed up the defense and ground out a hard-nosed win against the Bad Doggies to avenge their only loss on the season. After pulling within a single score in the fourth quarter, the Doggies watched their hopes get dinked and dunked down the drain as Rock Monster and his crew of "I don't care if it's only 6 yards, the ball keeps moving" team players marched the length of the field to put the game out of reach, and then succumbed to the Jellystoners' smothering defense. It's enough to make a guy start game-planning games in advance, I tell you what. Not that I would ever look beyond the game at hand.
In the Bastard Son conference, the Tar Babies opened a Briar Patch-sized can of whoop-ass on the Tropical Depressions, sending them back to the drawing board for Season 10. Granted, it was a 1 vs. 8 matchup, but I don't think many would expect a playoff team to lose by 10 scores. Ouch. Keep at it, Sandbabies. You made it out of A5, you'll make... um... whatever. Onward.
In the 4 vs. 5 matchup, the Geographically Challenged Landed Gentry won the right to become the Tar Babies' next sacrificial lamb en route to a march to their silver cup. Really, I just don't know anything about you all, and I still don't care. Beat the Tar Babies and I'll gladly sit up, take notice, write a formal apology and all kinds of nice-sounding things about your team.
In the bottom bracket of the Redheaded Stepchild conference, the Flush showed the 1337z who is really 1337 by scoring at will and handing them a 58-10 prison rape scene loss. While the 1337z aren't so 1337 this s3@z0n, there's also no r3@z0n to a$$um3 things will change dramatically by next, either. They'll keep pushing on. Meanwhile, the Flush are priming for a shot at the jump to Triple Aces.
Last, and possibly even least, The Train To Nowhere made a few pit-stops against the Skinnies but still managed to hang on for a 31-27 victory that was sort of like it sounds: kinda close, sort of not, but mildly entertaining.
Wow. I've now done not only predictions but recaps on four Inferior Conference games, and hung onto my wits by a thread. Hopefully, I'll also survive HeadHunter offering to drive to my house to fight me on my front lawn, as well. Because we all know that offering to fight someone for making predictions on a dot football game is what all well-adjusted people do. And now, after using the words "HeadHunter" and "well-adjusted" in the same paragraphs, I think we'd all agree it's time to move on to the part of the show you all want to see - The Prediction Segment®™!
Before we begin, as always, the standard disclaimer about my snarky commentary about your crappy team and your resultant poor widdle hurt feewings being for the amusement of others only applies, as does the fact that commentary aside, the predictions are real.
Onward.
Quiçama Park Rangers vs. Zambezi Silverbacks - I'm never going to get tired of this rivalry, which dates all the way back to the glory days of Africa A5, Season 5, Lion Conference, still The Single Toughest Expansion Conference Ever Assembled to our Collective Knowledge. Let's recall that during that season, the Big Monkeys finished #3, behind the Alexandria Very Goods and the Mozambique Chefs, both now RIP, and that the Jellystoners just barely made the playoffs. All that is ancient history, now, since the Jellystoners have risen like cream to the top of something very high and sticky, while the rest of us try desperately just to catch up. Still, in an "anything can happen" world, this might be another case of "can" win and "will" win - I don't believe there's anything Fat Danny and his Minions of Evil can't do, except maybe get Brandon Jacobs to have a good game against the Ghana run defense.
Prediction: Big Monkeys can't climb over Rock Monster as Jellystoners advance
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Combat Wombats - in someting of a surprise outcome, the Butt Tunnelers backed up that cartilege-based badonkadonk and made roadkill out of the Rabids. That's one opportunistic defense, boys and girls - opportunistic in the same way that a college boy is opportunistic when a barely-conscious, drunken Michigan coed shows up on his doorstep dressed in socks. It was a low-scoring affair between these two teams earlier in the season; this time I think we'll turn on the Advanced AI on at least one side of the ball.
Prediction: This game will be played in Stade Kumasi and will finish sometime before 5PM Mountain DST.
Tar River Pirates vs. New York Kingsmen - Arrrr, matey, I'm HeadHunter and I think I'll pick a fight with random strangers and then hand out my home address, which may or may not exist! Arrrrrr! Whatever. This game bores me, so the best I can do is mock HeadHunter yet again. I think that's three times in this episode. I must be rusty - it should have been more.
Prediction: Tar Babies roll, turning Landed Gentry into Begging Peasants
Rundu Rhino Rush vs. Rock and Roll Express - Well, here we are, a season after I figured the Flush would be at this point. So either I'm omniscient and just over-shot my target, or they're too damn slow to keep up with me. Either way, this week they've got the Train to Nowhere, and just to be nice to Dragon - who, oddly enough, is never really all that angry when we talk - I'm going to go ahead and predict that this will be a relatively low-scoring affair, because it's Dragon's defense, and, well, I guess that's about it. Otherwise, I just don't care that much about this conference, and my eyes are starting to bleed from having to think about them this much.
Prediction: Flush send the Train back down the tracks
Well kids, there you have it - another playoff edition of Darth Pinky Sez!, all wrapped up and ready for your consumption and adulation. Please, remember - money is accepted, though I prefer cash only, and in small, untraceable denominations.
Play nice. Pinky, out.
