Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Darth Pinky Sez! - the game show where Darth Pinky says it, and you believe it! Today's contestants hail from the Dark Continent, where they spend their time bashing in each others' skulls in contests of American Football! They also enjoy baiting and trolling in their spare time. I'm your announcer, radja mowsalot, sitting in today for our regular announcer, small-something, who said something about preparing for the playoffs and me not having anything better to do today anyway. And now, to get things underway, your host of Darth Pinky Sez!, the magnanimous, the eloquent, unrivaled in style and charm, Daaaaaaaaaaaaarth PINKY!
Thunderous applause and ear-splitting cheering ensues. Grown men weep. Mature women fan themselves, and young women throw panties. Several of the younger male contestants are openly pleasuring themselves in their seats, since they’ve been sneaking off together to do it anyway and are simply tired of missing anything Darth Pinky has to say, while now radiating in the fact that they are turned on by his undeniable charm and unequaled manliness.
Thanks, everybody, and welcome back. As always, we start Darth Pinky Sez! with a recap of the game so far. Since our contracts have run out with our spokeshotties early this season, I’ll do you the favor of not having to listen to radja mumble in broken Monkeyenese by giving you the rundown myself.
We’ve got our eight final contestants back with us here in studio, and except for positioning, they’re the folks that will be with us next week as well. Not that kind of positioning, kids, please keep reading and remember that context is important for comprehension. Also, remember that when you ask Mommy to read you today’s Darth Pinky episode, that you print out the correct page, because bringing her a full-color printout of that hottie with the fake rack in your other browser window doing ~that~ will probably not result in you being back in our studio audience any time soon.
So, without further ado, I bring you your final Lion Conference Predictions of the Season Eight Regular Season. Remember, while the predictions are real, Darth Pinky’s insightful and often scathingly entertaining commentary is for entertainment purposes only.
Gabon Glocks vs. Zambia Zombies – The season is coming to a merciful end for these two squads. The good news is that everyone should have learned a lot about what was and was not working this season. Especially the was not. The bad news is that since the SIM changes as often as OchoCinco01 can make excuses for his WR’s performance against good teams. Any “learning” you’ve done to date is probably worthless. Aren’t I the constant bearer of good news?
Prediction: Ungrateful Dead get to finish the season with a stat-padder
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Comoros Lions – A rough go of the Lion this season for the Big Monkeys has to have Fat Danny and co. hard at work already planning for that Big Nine. I’d have said “Fat Danny and his Brain Trust” but I can only stretch these things so far. The Shaved Kitties land in the same bucket with the Da Booty and the Dead – there’s nothing wrong with your team, it’s just the wrong conference at the wrong time for y’all.
Prediction: Big Monkeys take frustrations out on Kitties
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles – Free Willies turned in a decent freshman AA campaign – nothing to write home about, but nothing to be embarrassed over either. Flying Snakes ™ still have to be muttering about what could have been this season. At worst this is a meaningless game between two teams loading up for next season; at best it’s two A5 alumni looking to measure themselves against each other for pride. Let’s say the cup is half full, here.
Prediction: Snakes ™ go out on a high note
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Djibouti Booties – I’ve been making remarks about their avatar all season, and taking easy shots at leudecke_d’s under-developed junk as well. If they had a better team it would still be fun. But with their record, it sort of feels like pushing a child off a bridge – sure, you enjoy it while it lasts, but then you need to find more kids on bridges and it just gets to be like work after a while. Make your own prediction here.
Pullman Sinsations vs. African Fever – The Tuggers have to be looking at the advanced promotion/relegation scenarios and wondering how they’re going to be hosed over again this off-season. Now, one could say that’s a pessimistic attitude. What would be pessimistic would be assuming you’re going to be hosed by not being relegated AND losing your best player to another team in the conference who isn’t moving, either. Oh, wait – that’s the Randy Lykhumynx story. Wrong team. Hotheads look to be pouring it on today – anyone know how many points would be necessary for them to gain the three-way tiebreaker? While we wait for someone on their team to learn to use a calculator – or spell “calculator”, for that matter – we’ll move on.
Prediction: Hotheads dispatch the Tuggers to relegation
Namibia Wildehond vs. South African Ratels – A battle between the current 7 and 8 seeds that could either move the Bad Doggies into 7th or allow the Rabids a snowball’s chance at the sixth seed. Either way, both of these teams will almost certainly be facing one of the Big Three of the Woodys, Dessert Carts or Hotheads, although there are scenarios that could put the Bloody Mess and maybe the Jellystoners in the third spot if things swing the right way. I just don’t know enough about the tiebreaker statuses for teams 3-5 if they should wind up tied in the standings because in my perfect scenario, there are no upsets in the top 6 this week. Anyway, you see how I managed to talk about my own playoff possibilities in someone else’s game prediction segment. You’re welcome – I know you’d rather be hearing about the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana anyway, since I’m always light on information about my own team for reasons that are both strategic and principled. I accept money and adulation from men and gratuitous oral sex from women or reasonable facsimiles.
Prediction: Rabids extend the conference’s longest winning streak
Durban DesertHawks vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds – Game 1 of our Game of the Week doubleheader. The Bloody Mess can conceivably vault into the 3rd playoff seed with a win here. The Dessert Carts are hoping to do what they’ve been doing all season by forcing turnovers. That’s all we need to say here, except for the whole do me a favor, Carts, and beat the mess out of the Bloody ones today.
Prediction: Dessert Carts make Mess do a face plant in the cake tray
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Quiçama Park Rangers – Game 2 of our Super Deluxe Mega-Gargantuan Big Freaking Game of the Week doubleheader. Woodys don’t really care what the outcome is, but if they win and the Rabids lose, they get to take the longest W streak in the conference into the playoffs. Jellystoners are hoping for a W and another by the Mess which I believe would drop the Carts all the way to the 5 spot. Which is all irrelevant because I need a Woodys win here to help me out so we might as well just assume that will happen and move on.
Prediction: This one will be hairy, but the Woodys will pull it out just in time
There you have it, folks, another episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, in the can and ready for your consumption. You’ve been a great crowd. Mostly. Except for the drunks in the back row – security, if you could remove the Big Chickens and their assorted drinking garbage from the studio, it would be greatly appreciated. No, you don’t have to take HeadHunter with, he’s harmless. No, Mr. HeadHunter, we won’t have you removed in order to have you look tough. Really, Mr. HeadHunter, the show’s over. No, Mr. HeadHunter, it doesn’t do any good to beg. Sorry.
Finally, folks, while he have less than no idea where the hell in Africa “African” is and therefore where the hell the Hotheads play, we know that it is somewhere in Africa, meaning that when one of these teams wins the coveted League Title in four weeks against whatever weak sister the Elephant conference sends to play, it will, indeed be an African championship!
The crowd cheers wildly, except the drunken back row, where Clubfoot Dingleberry, recockulous and dook1e sit, having intended to continue their worship of their Lion Conference idols, but are now asking each other “wat” in confusion.
Well, folks, that's it for another week's worth of predictions. You've been a great audience. Have a great week everybody, and remember, Play Nice.
Camera points to IRUN REALLYFAST in the front row of the audience as the crowd rises in unison to their feet in an earth-shaking standing ovation. His Capital Letterness is holding a sign written in finger paint over his head, with the letters "IRON RALLYFEAST" and an arrow pointing downward toward himself; on camera, a message is displayed below the sign by the tech crew that reads MY KEEBOORD IZ FIN I KANT SPEL GUD.
Thunderous applause and ear-splitting cheering ensues. Grown men weep. Mature women fan themselves, and young women throw panties. Several of the younger male contestants are openly pleasuring themselves in their seats, since they’ve been sneaking off together to do it anyway and are simply tired of missing anything Darth Pinky has to say, while now radiating in the fact that they are turned on by his undeniable charm and unequaled manliness.
Thanks, everybody, and welcome back. As always, we start Darth Pinky Sez! with a recap of the game so far. Since our contracts have run out with our spokeshotties early this season, I’ll do you the favor of not having to listen to radja mumble in broken Monkeyenese by giving you the rundown myself.
We’ve got our eight final contestants back with us here in studio, and except for positioning, they’re the folks that will be with us next week as well. Not that kind of positioning, kids, please keep reading and remember that context is important for comprehension. Also, remember that when you ask Mommy to read you today’s Darth Pinky episode, that you print out the correct page, because bringing her a full-color printout of that hottie with the fake rack in your other browser window doing ~that~ will probably not result in you being back in our studio audience any time soon.
So, without further ado, I bring you your final Lion Conference Predictions of the Season Eight Regular Season. Remember, while the predictions are real, Darth Pinky’s insightful and often scathingly entertaining commentary is for entertainment purposes only.
Gabon Glocks vs. Zambia Zombies – The season is coming to a merciful end for these two squads. The good news is that everyone should have learned a lot about what was and was not working this season. Especially the was not. The bad news is that since the SIM changes as often as OchoCinco01 can make excuses for his WR’s performance against good teams. Any “learning” you’ve done to date is probably worthless. Aren’t I the constant bearer of good news?
Prediction: Ungrateful Dead get to finish the season with a stat-padder
Zambezi Silverbacks vs. Comoros Lions – A rough go of the Lion this season for the Big Monkeys has to have Fat Danny and co. hard at work already planning for that Big Nine. I’d have said “Fat Danny and his Brain Trust” but I can only stretch these things so far. The Shaved Kitties land in the same bucket with the Da Booty and the Dead – there’s nothing wrong with your team, it’s just the wrong conference at the wrong time for y’all.
Prediction: Big Monkeys take frustrations out on Kitties
Comoros Killer Whales vs. Madagascar Serpent Eagles – Free Willies turned in a decent freshman AA campaign – nothing to write home about, but nothing to be embarrassed over either. Flying Snakes ™ still have to be muttering about what could have been this season. At worst this is a meaningless game between two teams loading up for next season; at best it’s two A5 alumni looking to measure themselves against each other for pride. Let’s say the cup is half full, here.
Prediction: Snakes ™ go out on a high note
Ghana Ashanti Empire vs. Djibouti Booties – I’ve been making remarks about their avatar all season, and taking easy shots at leudecke_d’s under-developed junk as well. If they had a better team it would still be fun. But with their record, it sort of feels like pushing a child off a bridge – sure, you enjoy it while it lasts, but then you need to find more kids on bridges and it just gets to be like work after a while. Make your own prediction here.
Pullman Sinsations vs. African Fever – The Tuggers have to be looking at the advanced promotion/relegation scenarios and wondering how they’re going to be hosed over again this off-season. Now, one could say that’s a pessimistic attitude. What would be pessimistic would be assuming you’re going to be hosed by not being relegated AND losing your best player to another team in the conference who isn’t moving, either. Oh, wait – that’s the Randy Lykhumynx story. Wrong team. Hotheads look to be pouring it on today – anyone know how many points would be necessary for them to gain the three-way tiebreaker? While we wait for someone on their team to learn to use a calculator – or spell “calculator”, for that matter – we’ll move on.
Prediction: Hotheads dispatch the Tuggers to relegation
Namibia Wildehond vs. South African Ratels – A battle between the current 7 and 8 seeds that could either move the Bad Doggies into 7th or allow the Rabids a snowball’s chance at the sixth seed. Either way, both of these teams will almost certainly be facing one of the Big Three of the Woodys, Dessert Carts or Hotheads, although there are scenarios that could put the Bloody Mess and maybe the Jellystoners in the third spot if things swing the right way. I just don’t know enough about the tiebreaker statuses for teams 3-5 if they should wind up tied in the standings because in my perfect scenario, there are no upsets in the top 6 this week. Anyway, you see how I managed to talk about my own playoff possibilities in someone else’s game prediction segment. You’re welcome – I know you’d rather be hearing about the Most Favored and Blessed Ashanti Empire of Ghana anyway, since I’m always light on information about my own team for reasons that are both strategic and principled. I accept money and adulation from men and gratuitous oral sex from women or reasonable facsimiles.
Prediction: Rabids extend the conference’s longest winning streak
Durban DesertHawks vs. Monrovia Blood Diamonds – Game 1 of our Game of the Week doubleheader. The Bloody Mess can conceivably vault into the 3rd playoff seed with a win here. The Dessert Carts are hoping to do what they’ve been doing all season by forcing turnovers. That’s all we need to say here, except for the whole do me a favor, Carts, and beat the mess out of the Bloody ones today.
Prediction: Dessert Carts make Mess do a face plant in the cake tray
Tanzania Lumberjacks vs. Quiçama Park Rangers – Game 2 of our Super Deluxe Mega-Gargantuan Big Freaking Game of the Week doubleheader. Woodys don’t really care what the outcome is, but if they win and the Rabids lose, they get to take the longest W streak in the conference into the playoffs. Jellystoners are hoping for a W and another by the Mess which I believe would drop the Carts all the way to the 5 spot. Which is all irrelevant because I need a Woodys win here to help me out so we might as well just assume that will happen and move on.
Prediction: This one will be hairy, but the Woodys will pull it out just in time
There you have it, folks, another episode of Darth Pinky Sez!, in the can and ready for your consumption. You’ve been a great crowd. Mostly. Except for the drunks in the back row – security, if you could remove the Big Chickens and their assorted drinking garbage from the studio, it would be greatly appreciated. No, you don’t have to take HeadHunter with, he’s harmless. No, Mr. HeadHunter, we won’t have you removed in order to have you look tough. Really, Mr. HeadHunter, the show’s over. No, Mr. HeadHunter, it doesn’t do any good to beg. Sorry.
Finally, folks, while he have less than no idea where the hell in Africa “African” is and therefore where the hell the Hotheads play, we know that it is somewhere in Africa, meaning that when one of these teams wins the coveted League Title in four weeks against whatever weak sister the Elephant conference sends to play, it will, indeed be an African championship!
The crowd cheers wildly, except the drunken back row, where Clubfoot Dingleberry, recockulous and dook1e sit, having intended to continue their worship of their Lion Conference idols, but are now asking each other “wat” in confusion.
Well, folks, that's it for another week's worth of predictions. You've been a great audience. Have a great week everybody, and remember, Play Nice.
Camera points to IRUN REALLYFAST in the front row of the audience as the crowd rises in unison to their feet in an earth-shaking standing ovation. His Capital Letterness is holding a sign written in finger paint over his head, with the letters "IRON RALLYFEAST" and an arrow pointing downward toward himself; on camera, a message is displayed below the sign by the tech crew that reads MY KEEBOORD IZ FIN I KANT SPEL GUD.
