As the season comes to a start, I have decided to release a season guide. Not only are we the only champions in this league, we are the front runners to win the big one in roughly 40 days. Today we look at the offense of this well oiled machine.
Quarterback
Optimus Q-Prime General - Already whispers of MVP talk, the QB of the championship team, Czech Yourself, is ready for another season of throwing TD's and no INT's. Last year with a league high 57 TD's and a league low of 4 INT among starting QB's, this monster is looking to repeat his performance as the QB of the main beehive. Not only did he pick apart loser teams like Crotian Killer Turtles and the other shit teams we ran over all year long, he plucked them like chickens on a slaughter farm. Look for Q-Prime to have better numbers this year than he had the last.
Backup: Zack Jacob Ryan-Jackson - Looks like MITH decided to take a backseat and let Steel Destroyer take helm of the ship. But dont worry, Mith gets his snaps for sure. With 37 TD's and 2 INT's, Mith was a respectable backup for Optimus Prime last year. Look for him to get more snaps this year.
Running Back
DeAngelo McCormack - From a regular season point of view, you might think DeAngelo is nothing special, that he is a bitch that runs pig leather for a living. But we dont pay McCormack to be good in the regular season, we pay him to be good where it matters: the playoffs. Through 16 games, McCormack got 261 snaps, in the playoffs he had 159. He averaged 162 yards per carry in the playoffs and scored a shitload of TD's. With Czech Yourself's new commitment to the offense, look for him to have a breakout season.
Backup:-Mith- -Mith- - Mith could be a starter on any team, including Czech Yourself. He had more yards, TD's, and Yards per game than McCormack. Look for him to be part of the double headed monster of the running game. Mith, a true Dallas Cowboys fan, knows that running back by committee is far better than one superstar rb.
Fullback
Optimus FB Detonation - When you think of fullback, most people think of a big fatass that just blocks or runs the ball once in awhile. Well here at Czech Yourself, our fullbacks better do more than that or you gonna go on the cutting block. With over a 1000 yards of punting yards and 4 TD's in Season 6, this guy is one hell of a fullback. Though he was regulated to blocking in Season 7, thanks to ballerifics great ability to return shit, this guy garnered 70 pancakes and respect from his teammates. Better get ready, this bitch gonna serve pancakes all night long. We call him iHops, aka Beer Pancakes.
Backup: Justin Banger Know as Justin "Bang Your mom" Banger among his teammates, this blocking fullback does what he suppose to do: block the fuck out of bitches like the front defense line of Luzit's bitchass dynasty. With 93 pancakes in Season 7, you think this guy was on defense. Fullback is a pussy position, but this guy make it a penis position.
Center
Optimus Centre Devastation - Steel Destroyer decided if he's going to take snaps as a QB, he better start someone at center that he created. Thats where Optimus Centre Devastation comes in to play. This center has had 337 pancakes in two seasons and is one of the main reasons why the QB's only got sacked 2-3 times last year. Known as the anchor, defense line tried to get through, but were stop dead in the tracks. His goal is to reach 300 pancakes this year and he will.
Backup: Kraig Miller - Every position needs a backup, so Mith created Kraig Miller to take some of the heat off Optimus Centre Devastation. With 135 pancakes in two seasons, most teams wish they had two servicable centers. He could start on any of the other 31 teams in this league, but he decided to be a bitch backup to Optimus Centre. Hey, thats alright with me, cause like the joker says, "its all part of the plan."
Wide Receivers
Camryn "Every Down" Kolton - Our number one receiver. Thats all you have to know about the mith, the legend. Created to play every down, this boss hog is our number one topdog. With 40% of the passing TD's coming his way and over 2000 yards last year, Every Down was league MVP last year for the wide receiver position. Everytime he caught the ball, it was like making two firstdowns. Thats how important he was to our offense last year. And as you know, he made the catch of the century in the playoffs to beat CKT. I got no link, but i just heard about that shit.
Peter Skeeter - Every fiddler needs a second fiddler and Peter Skeeter was Camryns Yang to his Ying. As the number two receiver of our team last year, Peter basically had half the stats that Camryn had. 1000 yards and 16 TD's, Peter was a reliable second choice for the two QB's. Peter has been around for three seasons and every year hes been more involved in the offenses. He could easily be the number one receiver on any team.
"The Return of" Michael Vick - He was voted comeback player of the year in Season 7 after his surgery. During the Season 6 offseason, he had surgery on his left hand to remove all the layers of butter that thickened and layered as a child from eating popcorn. Since than, drop balls have decreased by over 65% and he had almost identical stats as Peter had in Season 7 with 1000 yards and 16 TD's during the regular season. Hated by PETA lovers and dog activists, The Return of Michael Vick is ready for a breakout season.
Trashy Owens - Another creation by GM Mith, this is our fourth receiver on the team. Trashy Owens was the fourth wide receiver on czech yourself with over 13 TD's and over 1000 yards in Season 7. With the easier scheulde this year, look for Trashy Owens to get more touches. Plus its Mith's team, if he wants Trashy to get more touches, he can fucking do it.
Mylo Haynes - Yea he might be our fifth receiver, but he really is a great threat. All his stats are less than the other WR's numerical wise, but something interesting happen on the way to the sperm bank. With the lowest amount of receptions last year, 48, of any wide receiver on the team, he piled up 11 TD's. Which means for every four catches, he made a TD's. Only Camryn could boast about that type of stat. Your in good Haynes with Mylo.
Tight Ends
Zachary Scott - Not only is his "end" tight, so are his "ball" skills. Look let me get this out of the way. Like all teams, tight ends are their only so we can look at their asses and get rimjobs in the sauna after games. If you really want to see how we use him, go back and look at our 20 games we played last season. He is a very valuable teammate and if he dont swallow, we make him gargle.
Backup: Solomon Clair : Another all purpose tight end, Solomon Clair catches, blocks, and all the other non-sense you except out of a tightend. Had 40+ pancakes last season and drops the ball alot. Maybe thats why he didnt get alot of touches last season???? I kid, I kid, he didnt swallow or gargle
he just spit....
Guards
Wil Cruz - One half of the Cruz brothers, Wil Cruz, just like his brother Ricky Cruz, came from a rough up bringing. Whipped by his father, mother committed suicide when both twins were 7, the Cruz brothers basically had to help each other survive together. See theirs one thing you dont know about the Cruz brothers... they are siamese twins...stuck together. If you look at both of their pancakes last year, brother Wil only has 6 more than Ricky. Thats because Ricky has insonimia and missed some of the plays. Anyways, enough of their up bringing, Wil Cruz looks to have a better season than he did last year.
Ricky Cruz - The Cruz brothers are half mixed, I didnt mention it above. Wil is German-Czech, while Ricky is Mexican. This is very wierd because their mom and dad were both black. Anyways, as mentioned above, Ricky had only 6 less pancakes than Wil did last year. Like all of the front offensive line, your judged by the amount of pancakes you produce and Ricky had a breakout season last year increasing pancake production by 400%.
Backup:
FREEZE CORPORATE ARMED SECURITY GUARD - The only thing that sucks about having siamese twins on your team is that you cant be switched out for another guard since technically you would have 12 players on the field if you inserted another guard while Ricky and Wil were out on the field. FREEZE is no slouch though, he had the most pancakes of all the guards and is probably really a semi-starter even though the starting lineup might not show his name. Look for a 100+ pancake season from FREEZE this year.
Tackles
Mark Kennelley - Currently the starting left tackle, Mark Kennelley was only third to Optimus Centre and Flap Jacks to amount of pancakes produced on the offensive line. He was voted to the Probowl last season and was one of handful of tackles to produce over a 100 pancakes last season. He is one of the most veteran members of Czech Yourself and brings leadership to the lockerroom when the rookies act up. He only gave up one sack to the BBB1 league sack leader who was a level 40 beast.
Flap "Pancakes" Jacks - If you called him Flap Jacks, that would mean someone who likes to flap off and than drink a bottle of jack daniels for the nightcap. But this is Flap "Pancakes" Jacks aka "I pancake people for a living." With 3 pancakes in Season 6, he was about to be cut in the offseason. But after an injury to another player, Flap "Pancake" Jacks became a backup tackle and produced 143 pancakes in Season 7, more pancakes than another other tackle on Czech Yourself. He gets as much plays in as the starters.
Marvin "MJ" Jefferson - No one quite knows what the MJ means, but if his play is any indication, it just might mean Michael Jordan rather than Michael Jackson. He had the least amount of pancakes than any other tackle on the team in the regular season, but he had a monstrous playoff run with 20 pancakes. A very difficult feat when you play 4 tough teams in a row.
FREEZE CORPORATE TACKLESS O-TACKLE - FREEZE is another tackle producing over hundred pancakes a season. He is a reliable backup to Mark and Marvin and provides leadership. All the tackles on the team are basically starters. Mith just has to put two people in the starting lineup, but it can be any two honestly. The OT's were instrumental in not allowing the defensive line through the holes all season last year and it will be their mission once again this season.
Quarterback
Optimus Q-Prime General - Already whispers of MVP talk, the QB of the championship team, Czech Yourself, is ready for another season of throwing TD's and no INT's. Last year with a league high 57 TD's and a league low of 4 INT among starting QB's, this monster is looking to repeat his performance as the QB of the main beehive. Not only did he pick apart loser teams like Crotian Killer Turtles and the other shit teams we ran over all year long, he plucked them like chickens on a slaughter farm. Look for Q-Prime to have better numbers this year than he had the last.
Backup: Zack Jacob Ryan-Jackson - Looks like MITH decided to take a backseat and let Steel Destroyer take helm of the ship. But dont worry, Mith gets his snaps for sure. With 37 TD's and 2 INT's, Mith was a respectable backup for Optimus Prime last year. Look for him to get more snaps this year.
Running Back
DeAngelo McCormack - From a regular season point of view, you might think DeAngelo is nothing special, that he is a bitch that runs pig leather for a living. But we dont pay McCormack to be good in the regular season, we pay him to be good where it matters: the playoffs. Through 16 games, McCormack got 261 snaps, in the playoffs he had 159. He averaged 162 yards per carry in the playoffs and scored a shitload of TD's. With Czech Yourself's new commitment to the offense, look for him to have a breakout season.
Backup:-Mith- -Mith- - Mith could be a starter on any team, including Czech Yourself. He had more yards, TD's, and Yards per game than McCormack. Look for him to be part of the double headed monster of the running game. Mith, a true Dallas Cowboys fan, knows that running back by committee is far better than one superstar rb.
Fullback
Optimus FB Detonation - When you think of fullback, most people think of a big fatass that just blocks or runs the ball once in awhile. Well here at Czech Yourself, our fullbacks better do more than that or you gonna go on the cutting block. With over a 1000 yards of punting yards and 4 TD's in Season 6, this guy is one hell of a fullback. Though he was regulated to blocking in Season 7, thanks to ballerifics great ability to return shit, this guy garnered 70 pancakes and respect from his teammates. Better get ready, this bitch gonna serve pancakes all night long. We call him iHops, aka Beer Pancakes.
Backup: Justin Banger Know as Justin "Bang Your mom" Banger among his teammates, this blocking fullback does what he suppose to do: block the fuck out of bitches like the front defense line of Luzit's bitchass dynasty. With 93 pancakes in Season 7, you think this guy was on defense. Fullback is a pussy position, but this guy make it a penis position.
Center
Optimus Centre Devastation - Steel Destroyer decided if he's going to take snaps as a QB, he better start someone at center that he created. Thats where Optimus Centre Devastation comes in to play. This center has had 337 pancakes in two seasons and is one of the main reasons why the QB's only got sacked 2-3 times last year. Known as the anchor, defense line tried to get through, but were stop dead in the tracks. His goal is to reach 300 pancakes this year and he will.
Backup: Kraig Miller - Every position needs a backup, so Mith created Kraig Miller to take some of the heat off Optimus Centre Devastation. With 135 pancakes in two seasons, most teams wish they had two servicable centers. He could start on any of the other 31 teams in this league, but he decided to be a bitch backup to Optimus Centre. Hey, thats alright with me, cause like the joker says, "its all part of the plan."
Wide Receivers
Camryn "Every Down" Kolton - Our number one receiver. Thats all you have to know about the mith, the legend. Created to play every down, this boss hog is our number one topdog. With 40% of the passing TD's coming his way and over 2000 yards last year, Every Down was league MVP last year for the wide receiver position. Everytime he caught the ball, it was like making two firstdowns. Thats how important he was to our offense last year. And as you know, he made the catch of the century in the playoffs to beat CKT. I got no link, but i just heard about that shit.
Peter Skeeter - Every fiddler needs a second fiddler and Peter Skeeter was Camryns Yang to his Ying. As the number two receiver of our team last year, Peter basically had half the stats that Camryn had. 1000 yards and 16 TD's, Peter was a reliable second choice for the two QB's. Peter has been around for three seasons and every year hes been more involved in the offenses. He could easily be the number one receiver on any team.
"The Return of" Michael Vick - He was voted comeback player of the year in Season 7 after his surgery. During the Season 6 offseason, he had surgery on his left hand to remove all the layers of butter that thickened and layered as a child from eating popcorn. Since than, drop balls have decreased by over 65% and he had almost identical stats as Peter had in Season 7 with 1000 yards and 16 TD's during the regular season. Hated by PETA lovers and dog activists, The Return of Michael Vick is ready for a breakout season.
Trashy Owens - Another creation by GM Mith, this is our fourth receiver on the team. Trashy Owens was the fourth wide receiver on czech yourself with over 13 TD's and over 1000 yards in Season 7. With the easier scheulde this year, look for Trashy Owens to get more touches. Plus its Mith's team, if he wants Trashy to get more touches, he can fucking do it.
Mylo Haynes - Yea he might be our fifth receiver, but he really is a great threat. All his stats are less than the other WR's numerical wise, but something interesting happen on the way to the sperm bank. With the lowest amount of receptions last year, 48, of any wide receiver on the team, he piled up 11 TD's. Which means for every four catches, he made a TD's. Only Camryn could boast about that type of stat. Your in good Haynes with Mylo.
Tight Ends
Zachary Scott - Not only is his "end" tight, so are his "ball" skills. Look let me get this out of the way. Like all teams, tight ends are their only so we can look at their asses and get rimjobs in the sauna after games. If you really want to see how we use him, go back and look at our 20 games we played last season. He is a very valuable teammate and if he dont swallow, we make him gargle.
Backup: Solomon Clair : Another all purpose tight end, Solomon Clair catches, blocks, and all the other non-sense you except out of a tightend. Had 40+ pancakes last season and drops the ball alot. Maybe thats why he didnt get alot of touches last season???? I kid, I kid, he didnt swallow or gargle
he just spit....Guards
Wil Cruz - One half of the Cruz brothers, Wil Cruz, just like his brother Ricky Cruz, came from a rough up bringing. Whipped by his father, mother committed suicide when both twins were 7, the Cruz brothers basically had to help each other survive together. See theirs one thing you dont know about the Cruz brothers... they are siamese twins...stuck together. If you look at both of their pancakes last year, brother Wil only has 6 more than Ricky. Thats because Ricky has insonimia and missed some of the plays. Anyways, enough of their up bringing, Wil Cruz looks to have a better season than he did last year.
Ricky Cruz - The Cruz brothers are half mixed, I didnt mention it above. Wil is German-Czech, while Ricky is Mexican. This is very wierd because their mom and dad were both black. Anyways, as mentioned above, Ricky had only 6 less pancakes than Wil did last year. Like all of the front offensive line, your judged by the amount of pancakes you produce and Ricky had a breakout season last year increasing pancake production by 400%.
Backup:
FREEZE CORPORATE ARMED SECURITY GUARD - The only thing that sucks about having siamese twins on your team is that you cant be switched out for another guard since technically you would have 12 players on the field if you inserted another guard while Ricky and Wil were out on the field. FREEZE is no slouch though, he had the most pancakes of all the guards and is probably really a semi-starter even though the starting lineup might not show his name. Look for a 100+ pancake season from FREEZE this year.
Tackles
Mark Kennelley - Currently the starting left tackle, Mark Kennelley was only third to Optimus Centre and Flap Jacks to amount of pancakes produced on the offensive line. He was voted to the Probowl last season and was one of handful of tackles to produce over a 100 pancakes last season. He is one of the most veteran members of Czech Yourself and brings leadership to the lockerroom when the rookies act up. He only gave up one sack to the BBB1 league sack leader who was a level 40 beast.
Flap "Pancakes" Jacks - If you called him Flap Jacks, that would mean someone who likes to flap off and than drink a bottle of jack daniels for the nightcap. But this is Flap "Pancakes" Jacks aka "I pancake people for a living." With 3 pancakes in Season 6, he was about to be cut in the offseason. But after an injury to another player, Flap "Pancake" Jacks became a backup tackle and produced 143 pancakes in Season 7, more pancakes than another other tackle on Czech Yourself. He gets as much plays in as the starters.
Marvin "MJ" Jefferson - No one quite knows what the MJ means, but if his play is any indication, it just might mean Michael Jordan rather than Michael Jackson. He had the least amount of pancakes than any other tackle on the team in the regular season, but he had a monstrous playoff run with 20 pancakes. A very difficult feat when you play 4 tough teams in a row.
FREEZE CORPORATE TACKLESS O-TACKLE - FREEZE is another tackle producing over hundred pancakes a season. He is a reliable backup to Mark and Marvin and provides leadership. All the tackles on the team are basically starters. Mith just has to put two people in the starting lineup, but it can be any two honestly. The OT's were instrumental in not allowing the defensive line through the holes all season last year and it will be their mission once again this season.
Last edited Feb 24, 2009 00:18:42
