Cincinnati Cardinals: 10 Previous: 10
Since we last spoke Cincy has toppled teams like Thunderknowns and Moosers. This week Rancho put a spook into the Mighty Mighty Red Birds. Making the Cards come back at the end to earn a win. I am not really sure the nuts and bolts of what caused the Birds slippage, but who cares, same result. I have to tell you, I am sick of the Cardinals. Having them in #5 Wild West is sorta like having Colin Farrell as a buddy. Sure the blow and strippers are awesome but you are always reminded that no matter how marvelous you become you will always only have his sloppy seconds. Matchup: Deep Fried and Tie Dyed!
Vancouver Vikings: 9.25 Previous: 7
I wish a Viking was a better mascot to work with… I will work on it. I will start powerful, sexy, aggressive and dominate. Completed a thorough deconstruction of a “Who gives a shit” Laval team. Not one thing worth pointing out in this game. You don’t even need to look. Just imagine big numbers on the Vikes side and tiny numbers on the other. Matchup: Thrash
North Bay Drift: 9 Previous: 8.5
” O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North Bay strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee.” The Drift with a S7 signature win over the second best Wild West team. NB threw the gauntlet down by running at the Mani’s vaunted run D. They plugged some pass D holes and won. Do they have the best agents in GLB? Yeeees, you are correct sir. Matchup: FMMP
Manitoba Maulers: 9 Previous: 9
Mani the Mauler may be a bit buttsore from the primetime game in North Bay. The Maul had a string of simple wins last several weeks, including Alberta Quitters and FMMP but it was the Drift’s turn last night. A game that I know both teams had circled. The Drifters came out and ran right at maybe the best D in the league, dominated the play clock and held on for the win late. It was such a legendary dotball clash that it was filmed in black and white. It is now time for the Maulers to focus on playoff position. Matchup: Fish
Edmonton Thunderchiefs: 8 Previous: 8
Thunderknowns are exactly like 80’s porn. Sure it’s hairy but it does the trick. I do not mind admitting that they make me feel funny in the front. They romped a quality Mooser team, holding the Moose to a mere 230 yards of total offense. 2.8 yard average on the ground, 3 sacks and 2 ints. The Known offense controlled the pigskin for 37 mins only punting 4 times. Matchup: Demos
Arroz Con Pollo: 7.5 Previous: 6.5
Dismantled the Thrash and Laval squads but now you are on to the Mighty Cards. The West is pulling for you. When you show the Cards that famous upset machine that is the Chicken, remember if you win you owe it all to me! (j/k Senor) Sure several of us have been rough on you guys (you did earn it, btw), but I believe that many times the best motivation is a swift kick in the low hanger. At least that’s what my dad used to say. Go get ‘um. Matchup: Cards
Moose Jaw Roughriders: 6.5 Previous: 6.5
Respect to the Moosers. Good team, good builds. Not there yet. There was some positives in the loss to the Knowns. For starters good dedication to the run with a good HB build in Dimmy, 2 potentially great QBs and a growing defense. An accurate simile would be your first 12 year old girlfriend. Grinding can be frustrating but if you stick with it good things will follow, all the way up until you fuck up and marry her. Matchup: Rancho
Rancho Penasquitos Thunderbolts: 6 Previous: 6
Damn Rancho! Finish that game and you validate all that is good in this world! Oh well, you were never expected to really win it, so I suppose that’s a net gain for your team. That Rancho offense is something that should not be overlooked. Anytime a squad can drop 360+ on the Cards you have done something. Looks like a clean sim. Rancho had some promising field position throughout and made the Cards start on their own end all but one time. (average of the 32) Nice game to build off of. You have a tough stretch coming up, with an outside shot at the playoffs. Get to the whiteboard. Matchup: Moosers
Canada Dragons: 6 Previous: 5.5
Solid dismantling of the Kittens last. It is now time to think about playoff positioning. Matchups with Mani the Mauler and a thigh deep excursion into the Drift are going to be crucial. Time to prove it Drags. Matchup: Dead Jelly Fish on the Beach
Victoria Fish: 6 Previous: 5
Managed the “Alberta Vacants” in good fashion. 500+ yards is always Paris Hilton hot. You guys seem to have woken up this season, and that is good for everyone. You have to finish with the Maul, Drift and Knowns. You are going to need some of them to improve playoff position. Matchup: Angry Mani
Fort McMurray Mounted Police: 5 Previous: 5
Nice win at the Demos, where the hell is “Fhockey.com” anyways? FMMP corralled the Demos decent offense and allowed only 1.9 on the ground. Mounties punted just 3 times, controlled the clock with a productive running game. All around good game and even baby jesus knows you guys need all of those you can get. Well done GM team! You have a stretch coming up that can set a positive tone for S8. I hope you keep the faith. However you are welcoming in North Bay next. Matchup: Drift
Manitoba Lions: 5 Previous: 5.5
Manitoba Kittens, but not a cute Kitty Chow kitten but a mangy 2 legged one that even Angelina Jolie wouldn’t adopt. It’s a Matlock style mystery why this team is so under-whelming. Inactives? Who knows. Let us all hope Matlock figures it out in the end. For the report today, Dragons win. Lions with a couple long TDs in the 4th make it look a touch better. (46 and 53 yards, unanswered by the Dragons). Take those out and it’s a sub 200 yard game for rackhound and crew. Matchup: Laval
Fhockey.com Demos: 4 Previous: 4
Demos, Demos, Demos. Where for art thou, Demos? You guys are like Link from the original Zelda trying to stab diagonally. Completely futile. I for one am looking forward to the “Demos turning it around” posts for next season. Dropped this one to FMMP, allowing them hither and yon, up and down, TD and FG. Your usually dependable offense was not enough in the end and we are all left with a familiar 3-8 underachieving Demos team. Matchup: Knowns
Alberta Irukandji: 3 Previous: 7.5
The Great Reboot (courtesy Chriztian). What I thought was the second best team in the league, a team that made it known that they felt slighted by not getting promoted S6, has chucked it all overboard like an unfortunate dead slave gets chucked during an Atlantic cruise on the La Amistad. I really believe this was an AI issue, nothing more. I will be unpopular and admit I have lost respect for this crew. Matchup: a BBB team with a 12 yo owner.
Laval Crusaders: 2 Previous: 5
Punch my “Give a Shit” card someone, please. Matchup: Lions
Saskatchewan Thrashers: 0.000001 Previous: 0.00001
Respect to the reloading Thrash team and Monster. However, the Thrash are the door knob of S7. Everyone gets a turn. Matchup: Vikes
Cheers!
Since we last spoke Cincy has toppled teams like Thunderknowns and Moosers. This week Rancho put a spook into the Mighty Mighty Red Birds. Making the Cards come back at the end to earn a win. I am not really sure the nuts and bolts of what caused the Birds slippage, but who cares, same result. I have to tell you, I am sick of the Cardinals. Having them in #5 Wild West is sorta like having Colin Farrell as a buddy. Sure the blow and strippers are awesome but you are always reminded that no matter how marvelous you become you will always only have his sloppy seconds. Matchup: Deep Fried and Tie Dyed!
Vancouver Vikings: 9.25 Previous: 7
I wish a Viking was a better mascot to work with… I will work on it. I will start powerful, sexy, aggressive and dominate. Completed a thorough deconstruction of a “Who gives a shit” Laval team. Not one thing worth pointing out in this game. You don’t even need to look. Just imagine big numbers on the Vikes side and tiny numbers on the other. Matchup: Thrash
North Bay Drift: 9 Previous: 8.5
” O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North Bay strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee.” The Drift with a S7 signature win over the second best Wild West team. NB threw the gauntlet down by running at the Mani’s vaunted run D. They plugged some pass D holes and won. Do they have the best agents in GLB? Yeeees, you are correct sir. Matchup: FMMP
Manitoba Maulers: 9 Previous: 9
Mani the Mauler may be a bit buttsore from the primetime game in North Bay. The Maul had a string of simple wins last several weeks, including Alberta Quitters and FMMP but it was the Drift’s turn last night. A game that I know both teams had circled. The Drifters came out and ran right at maybe the best D in the league, dominated the play clock and held on for the win late. It was such a legendary dotball clash that it was filmed in black and white. It is now time for the Maulers to focus on playoff position. Matchup: Fish
Edmonton Thunderchiefs: 8 Previous: 8
Thunderknowns are exactly like 80’s porn. Sure it’s hairy but it does the trick. I do not mind admitting that they make me feel funny in the front. They romped a quality Mooser team, holding the Moose to a mere 230 yards of total offense. 2.8 yard average on the ground, 3 sacks and 2 ints. The Known offense controlled the pigskin for 37 mins only punting 4 times. Matchup: Demos
Arroz Con Pollo: 7.5 Previous: 6.5
Dismantled the Thrash and Laval squads but now you are on to the Mighty Cards. The West is pulling for you. When you show the Cards that famous upset machine that is the Chicken, remember if you win you owe it all to me! (j/k Senor) Sure several of us have been rough on you guys (you did earn it, btw), but I believe that many times the best motivation is a swift kick in the low hanger. At least that’s what my dad used to say. Go get ‘um. Matchup: Cards
Moose Jaw Roughriders: 6.5 Previous: 6.5
Respect to the Moosers. Good team, good builds. Not there yet. There was some positives in the loss to the Knowns. For starters good dedication to the run with a good HB build in Dimmy, 2 potentially great QBs and a growing defense. An accurate simile would be your first 12 year old girlfriend. Grinding can be frustrating but if you stick with it good things will follow, all the way up until you fuck up and marry her. Matchup: Rancho
Rancho Penasquitos Thunderbolts: 6 Previous: 6
Damn Rancho! Finish that game and you validate all that is good in this world! Oh well, you were never expected to really win it, so I suppose that’s a net gain for your team. That Rancho offense is something that should not be overlooked. Anytime a squad can drop 360+ on the Cards you have done something. Looks like a clean sim. Rancho had some promising field position throughout and made the Cards start on their own end all but one time. (average of the 32) Nice game to build off of. You have a tough stretch coming up, with an outside shot at the playoffs. Get to the whiteboard. Matchup: Moosers
Canada Dragons: 6 Previous: 5.5
Solid dismantling of the Kittens last. It is now time to think about playoff positioning. Matchups with Mani the Mauler and a thigh deep excursion into the Drift are going to be crucial. Time to prove it Drags. Matchup: Dead Jelly Fish on the Beach
Victoria Fish: 6 Previous: 5
Managed the “Alberta Vacants” in good fashion. 500+ yards is always Paris Hilton hot. You guys seem to have woken up this season, and that is good for everyone. You have to finish with the Maul, Drift and Knowns. You are going to need some of them to improve playoff position. Matchup: Angry Mani
Fort McMurray Mounted Police: 5 Previous: 5
Nice win at the Demos, where the hell is “Fhockey.com” anyways? FMMP corralled the Demos decent offense and allowed only 1.9 on the ground. Mounties punted just 3 times, controlled the clock with a productive running game. All around good game and even baby jesus knows you guys need all of those you can get. Well done GM team! You have a stretch coming up that can set a positive tone for S8. I hope you keep the faith. However you are welcoming in North Bay next. Matchup: Drift
Manitoba Lions: 5 Previous: 5.5
Manitoba Kittens, but not a cute Kitty Chow kitten but a mangy 2 legged one that even Angelina Jolie wouldn’t adopt. It’s a Matlock style mystery why this team is so under-whelming. Inactives? Who knows. Let us all hope Matlock figures it out in the end. For the report today, Dragons win. Lions with a couple long TDs in the 4th make it look a touch better. (46 and 53 yards, unanswered by the Dragons). Take those out and it’s a sub 200 yard game for rackhound and crew. Matchup: Laval
Fhockey.com Demos: 4 Previous: 4
Demos, Demos, Demos. Where for art thou, Demos? You guys are like Link from the original Zelda trying to stab diagonally. Completely futile. I for one am looking forward to the “Demos turning it around” posts for next season. Dropped this one to FMMP, allowing them hither and yon, up and down, TD and FG. Your usually dependable offense was not enough in the end and we are all left with a familiar 3-8 underachieving Demos team. Matchup: Knowns
Alberta Irukandji: 3 Previous: 7.5
The Great Reboot (courtesy Chriztian). What I thought was the second best team in the league, a team that made it known that they felt slighted by not getting promoted S6, has chucked it all overboard like an unfortunate dead slave gets chucked during an Atlantic cruise on the La Amistad. I really believe this was an AI issue, nothing more. I will be unpopular and admit I have lost respect for this crew. Matchup: a BBB team with a 12 yo owner.
Laval Crusaders: 2 Previous: 5
Punch my “Give a Shit” card someone, please. Matchup: Lions
Saskatchewan Thrashers: 0.000001 Previous: 0.00001
Respect to the reloading Thrash team and Monster. However, the Thrash are the door knob of S7. Everyone gets a turn. Matchup: Vikes
Cheers!
