November 23, 2008
Dateline: Stuttgart – Blitzkrieg Stadium
In front of a soldout Blitzkrieg Stadium filled with over 55,000 raucous fans, the Blitzkrieg extended their franchise win streak to 27 games while sending the Chernobyl Toxic Avengers packing with a 31-26 victory. The victory was tighter than many had anticipated, and Stuttgart trailed 16-14 at halftime and led only 24-23 after three quarters. The Avengers defense left the aerial attack for Stuttgart somewhat bemused, as 16 Blitzkrieg passes were deflected on the night and another intercepted.
Blitzkrieg field general Norm Van Brocklin appeared unperturbed during the post-game press conference. “Look, we’ve got this reputation as a gunslinging, throw first, spread the field kind of team, but I think we showed tonight that if our passing game isn’t clicking, we are perfectly capable of simply ramming the ball right through the line. My line has kept me clean all season, and they love getting the opportunity to lay some licks in the running game,” said Van Brocklin. “Linebackers hate to see Sammy and Camillo coming at them with a full head of steam. And what’s important is that we came out of tonight with a W.” Van Brocklin, who was the Blitzkrieg’s first pick overall in the expansion draft, is known in the locker room for his culinary expertise. In the off-season, Van Brocklin serves as the head chef at his signature restaurant “Brocklin” in downtown Stuttgart. During the season, the only things on his menu are touchdowns and victories.
Meanwhile, on the defensive side of the ball, Theodor Schwann continues to wreak havoc with the opposition from his defensive end position. “It is simply a matter of out-thinking the opponent,” said Schwann, who received Ph.D.s in both biology and zoology before being recruited into the GLB off his collegiate rugby team. “If you simply suppose the offensive lineman is a cellular structure with limited mobility, one can quickly ascertain the most effective methodology to bypass the attempted block. Once a bypass has been orchestrated, future paths are self-evident.” Sorry folks, we don’t really get it either, all we know is Schwann has practically lived in the backfield this season. Do work, Theodor.
Finally, the Squash Me Like a Bug offensive tackles made their presence known once again on the offensive front. Affectionately known in the locker room as “LOT” and “ROT”, the pair also has 2 other brothers playing the line in GLB. The four have been famous since birth as part of the legendary “Quisenberry Quintuplets”. While their lone sister was born at a petite 9 pounds, the 4 boys came out of the womb at an astonishing 23 lbs, 3 oz. each, resulting in a world record 100 pounds of baby born in one delivery in their hometown of Quisenberry, West Virginia. LOT and ROT have not stopped growing since, both tipping the scales at well over 300 pounds on their 6’5” frames. “McDonald’s used to love to see our family come in. We’d each put away 4 Big Macs, 3 large fries, 6 apple pies, and a super sized Coke. Then we’d go to Dairy Queen for desert,” said LOT, while enjoying a post-game cheeseburger. “Yeah, they had us on the varsity high school line as 5th graders,” said ROT. “Even then, the other team’s parents complained we were being too rough on their boys. Pops always told us to pretend he was a bug when he’d practice with us. He’d say ‘Squash me like a bug, boys! C’mon, squash me like a bug!’ He never could really tell us apart anyway, and since he said that so often, we just thought it was part of our name and it stuck. Then Ma started using our positions as nicknames, so we’ve been known that way ever since.”
After this big victory, the Blitzkrieg go on the road to play House Atreides before returning to face the only other remaining undefeated team in the Alpha Conference, the Georgia Generals. Look for that game to determine the top seed for this season’s playoffs.
Game Balls:
Offense:
Camillo Golgi – 10 Rushes for 70 yds, 1 TD, 4 Broken Tackles
Logan Heastie WV – 5 grabs for 83 yards, 2 TDs
Squash Me Like a Bug (ROT) – 7 Pancakes
Defense:
Theodor Schwann – 6 Tackles, 4 Hurries, 2 TFL
Big Jonny – 6 Tackles, 1 Hurry, 1 TFL, 2 PDs
Picks 4-6 – 1 Tackle, 1 Int.
Special Teams:
Curbside Smile – 5 punts, 50.4 yard avg.
Chili ConCarnage – 3 Tackles (5 overall)
Dateline: Stuttgart – Blitzkrieg Stadium
In front of a soldout Blitzkrieg Stadium filled with over 55,000 raucous fans, the Blitzkrieg extended their franchise win streak to 27 games while sending the Chernobyl Toxic Avengers packing with a 31-26 victory. The victory was tighter than many had anticipated, and Stuttgart trailed 16-14 at halftime and led only 24-23 after three quarters. The Avengers defense left the aerial attack for Stuttgart somewhat bemused, as 16 Blitzkrieg passes were deflected on the night and another intercepted.
Blitzkrieg field general Norm Van Brocklin appeared unperturbed during the post-game press conference. “Look, we’ve got this reputation as a gunslinging, throw first, spread the field kind of team, but I think we showed tonight that if our passing game isn’t clicking, we are perfectly capable of simply ramming the ball right through the line. My line has kept me clean all season, and they love getting the opportunity to lay some licks in the running game,” said Van Brocklin. “Linebackers hate to see Sammy and Camillo coming at them with a full head of steam. And what’s important is that we came out of tonight with a W.” Van Brocklin, who was the Blitzkrieg’s first pick overall in the expansion draft, is known in the locker room for his culinary expertise. In the off-season, Van Brocklin serves as the head chef at his signature restaurant “Brocklin” in downtown Stuttgart. During the season, the only things on his menu are touchdowns and victories.
Meanwhile, on the defensive side of the ball, Theodor Schwann continues to wreak havoc with the opposition from his defensive end position. “It is simply a matter of out-thinking the opponent,” said Schwann, who received Ph.D.s in both biology and zoology before being recruited into the GLB off his collegiate rugby team. “If you simply suppose the offensive lineman is a cellular structure with limited mobility, one can quickly ascertain the most effective methodology to bypass the attempted block. Once a bypass has been orchestrated, future paths are self-evident.” Sorry folks, we don’t really get it either, all we know is Schwann has practically lived in the backfield this season. Do work, Theodor.
Finally, the Squash Me Like a Bug offensive tackles made their presence known once again on the offensive front. Affectionately known in the locker room as “LOT” and “ROT”, the pair also has 2 other brothers playing the line in GLB. The four have been famous since birth as part of the legendary “Quisenberry Quintuplets”. While their lone sister was born at a petite 9 pounds, the 4 boys came out of the womb at an astonishing 23 lbs, 3 oz. each, resulting in a world record 100 pounds of baby born in one delivery in their hometown of Quisenberry, West Virginia. LOT and ROT have not stopped growing since, both tipping the scales at well over 300 pounds on their 6’5” frames. “McDonald’s used to love to see our family come in. We’d each put away 4 Big Macs, 3 large fries, 6 apple pies, and a super sized Coke. Then we’d go to Dairy Queen for desert,” said LOT, while enjoying a post-game cheeseburger. “Yeah, they had us on the varsity high school line as 5th graders,” said ROT. “Even then, the other team’s parents complained we were being too rough on their boys. Pops always told us to pretend he was a bug when he’d practice with us. He’d say ‘Squash me like a bug, boys! C’mon, squash me like a bug!’ He never could really tell us apart anyway, and since he said that so often, we just thought it was part of our name and it stuck. Then Ma started using our positions as nicknames, so we’ve been known that way ever since.”
After this big victory, the Blitzkrieg go on the road to play House Atreides before returning to face the only other remaining undefeated team in the Alpha Conference, the Georgia Generals. Look for that game to determine the top seed for this season’s playoffs.
Game Balls:
Offense:
Camillo Golgi – 10 Rushes for 70 yds, 1 TD, 4 Broken Tackles
Logan Heastie WV – 5 grabs for 83 yards, 2 TDs
Squash Me Like a Bug (ROT) – 7 Pancakes
Defense:
Theodor Schwann – 6 Tackles, 4 Hurries, 2 TFL
Big Jonny – 6 Tackles, 1 Hurry, 1 TFL, 2 PDs
Picks 4-6 – 1 Tackle, 1 Int.
Special Teams:
Curbside Smile – 5 punts, 50.4 yard avg.
Chili ConCarnage – 3 Tackles (5 overall)
